Are You Crazy?

Writers: Miriah, Yvonne
Date Posted: 20th November 2020

Characters: J'ackt, Alina
Description: J'ackt tells Alina about his conversation with Urlene
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 6, day 4 of Turn 10
Notes: Mentioned: N'vanik, Saidrene, Urlene

J'ackt

Alina

J'ackt paced back and forth, waiting for Alina to arrive. He'd already
pummelled his bag to expel his excess energy for the coming
conversation. Things had been going well, so he'd hoped that his
weyrmate would be understanding. Faranth, why wouldn't she be? She
knew how he felt and her reaction to Saidrene's news had been clear.

Alina wandered back to their weyr later that evening, after lingering
over a meal with a couple of her wingmates. She was humming softly as
she entered, and she smiled at J'ackt when she saw him. "I just heard
the best song. It has this tricky chorus but I think I might be able
to pick it out on the gitar..."

His smile was brief and distracted as he nodded. "You'll have to play
it for me. But I need to talk to you first. It's important, Alina." He
ran his hand through his hair, his jaw taut. "I'm going to talk to
N'vanik tomorrow, but I know you don't like things not discussed with
you first."

"N'vanik? Why?" Alina's expression clouded as she crossed the room to
take J'ackt's hand. "Are you in trouble?"

He shook his head but there was a quick smile at her immediate
suspicion. "No, this one time I'm not." He pulled her to sit on their
bed, then sat beside her. "I talked to Urlene a few days ago. I wanted
to ask her about something I'd heard about, to keep men from having
children." He kept a hold of her hand. "She says she can do it.
There's a surgery that she can do that will make sure what happened
with Saidrene can't happen for me ever again. No flight babes,
nothing. I'd be out of the wings at most for a sevenday."

Alina went white. "You want to _geld_ yourself!? Are you crazy!?"

He jerked. "What? No! Sweet Faranth, no! It's not like that. She's not
taking anything off." He looked down at his crotch and then back at
her, crossing his legs protectively at the thought. "Nothing's coming
off and everything will still work! It's just like a..." He struggled
to explain, not knowing the terms. "She'll cut off the seed supply.
That's it."

"How is that even possible?!" Alina wrenched her hand away and stalked
to the other side of the weyr before turning back to J'ackt. She wrung
her hands together, her knuckles white and her head filled with
memories of castrating season with the lambs at Nadol Cothold. She'd
always hated it. "You're not even going to have anything to do with
Saidrene's baby. Why are you even thinking of mutilating yourself?
You're not some-- some field animal!"

"It is! Urlene assured me that it is and you know that it's not
something she'd lie about. Not with who she is. Everything will still
work. We'll still be able to share our bed." He rose, tugging at his
hair as he tried to explain. "It's like a small cut and the tube or
something that carries the seed is severed and closed, but it doesn't
affect my ability to..." He gestured to his nether region. "The only
thing that will change is I won't ever be able to get anyone with
child. You know I don't want that." He exhaled, frustrated. "Saidrene
or someone went to Cyradis and told her what happened. If I catch a
greenrider or a drudge moths a flight and gets with my child, I'm not
even allowed to discuss it with her. I have no choice, no say. I can't
even ask her to /between/ or even consider it! Cyradis told me that I
would be a father whether I liked it or not! I can't do that, Alina! I
won't!"

"You said you wouldn't be a father anyway, so why does it matter?
Cyradis might be the Weyrwoman but she can't _force_ you to take on
some flight brat." Alina lifted her chin stubbornly. "I won't let her.
We'd transfer."

"No, I wouldn't be a Da, but how would you feel, Alina, if you saw
children in the weyrbowl that looked like me? That you know came from
me and were another woman's? Even if we transferred it could happen
and it would hurt you. And I'd know too. Urlene said that I would need
N'vanik to approve the surgery before she'd do it, because of the time
out of the wing. A small surgery, a week of healing, and then
everything is back to normal. It's not something we'd ever have to
worry about again."

"But I'm not worried, and I'd much rather have to deal with seeing
some kid with your face than have you _mutilate_ yourself." Her eyes
swam with sudden tears. She'd chosen J'ackt over having a family, but
it felt very different to know that they never, ever could.

He saw the moisture in her eyes and sat back down rubbing his
forehead, then running his hand through his hair. "It's just a small
cut, Alina." He looked up at her. "I can't just do this. I..." His
shoulders slumped. "I'd hurt a baby, Alina. I wouldn't mean to. I'm
angry and violent and you can't walk away from a baby when you get
angry. I try to walk away, but sometimes I can't. " He pinched the
bridge of his nose. "My father beat me. He lost his temper and I got
broken bones. He lost his temper and my mother died. I have his
temper. I can't give that to a kid or do that to a kid. A kid doesn't
deserve to be like me. Have my blood. I won't do that. I can't."

Alina hesitated, then sat beside him and wrapped her arms around his
shoulders. "You're not your Da," she said quietly. "He's dead and--
and eaten up by grubs by now. There's lots of kids that grow up at the
Weyr without a Da. Even if you sired a kid, you don't have to have
anything to do with it."

"I'm just like him." J'ackt leaned into her, taking comfort in her
embrace. "Please, Alina." He spoke softly. "I'd like to have you with
me on this." N'vanik might not even agree, but if Alina was willing to
at least support him when he tried, he thought that maybe, just maybe,
it would be enough. He took her hand. "I know it's a lot to ask of you
and I know you're upset and you don't like it. But can you let me try
to get this done?"

She was quiet for a long time. It was hard to get past her feelings
of-- of betrayal, she realized. Which was stupid, because when they'd
weyrmated, she'd made a promise. **You will be an auntie,** she told
herself again. **You don't even like babies that much.** It didn't
help, and she used her free hand to dash the unshed tears from her
eyes. "This is just... a lot. You've been thinking about this for a
while and this is the first time I've even heard this was _possible_.
What if... what if something goes wrong? What are the chances of
that?"

He hung his head at her silence, but out of the corner of his eyes,
saw her bring up her hand to her face. He looked up and saw her wipe
at her eyes and faltered. He couldn't bear to see the moisture in her
eyes. "Oh, Faranth, Alina. Please don't cry. I've been thinking about
it since the thing with Saidrene. It hasn't been for longer than that.
I didn't know it was possible, really until I heard someone mention
it." He gently took her hand, holding it in his. "I don't know.
Urlene wouldn't even discuss it with me more until N'vanik agreed.
And, really, he might not. I don't know. But I want to at least ask
him. Then, I can talk to Urlene and find out if it's worth it. Can
you let me do that? Just ask?"

Asking wasn't too much. She nodded. "I just... I don't want you to get
hurt," she said in a rush. "How will you know if it's not a good
idea?"

He felt a tension ease in his shoulders. "Look, if N'vanik agrees,
we'll both go talk to Urlene. If you go there with me, you can ask
her questions and about anything you need to know. You can ask about
any risks. Anything that might make you feel better about this.
Would that help?"

The greenrider nodded again. "But if it's really risky... you have to
promise me that you'll let go of this idea."

J'ackt cupped her cheek in his hand and stroked his thumb over the
soft skin. Still seeing the moisture in her eyes, he slowly nodded.
"Alright. I promise. If you think it's too risky after talking to
Urlene, I'll let it go." He couldn't deny her that, not when her face
looked so wounded. "On Zith's hide, I promise."

"All right." It was some comfort, but not much. Alina took a deep
breath and tried to steady her nerves. "I bet other people's weyrmates
don't surprise them with ideas like this the moment they walk through
the door."

He kept a hold on her hand. "No, probably not. But," he tilted his
head and offered a half-hearted, crooked smile. "I'm not exactly
normal." He lifted her fingers to his mouth.

She smiled and squeezed his fingers, but the smile slowly faded. "J'ackt..."

"What?" He tilted his head, then slowly wrapped his arm around her
shoulder. "It'll be okay, Alina." He pressed his lips to her temple.

She leaned into his touch. "You trust me, right? You know that I
wouldn't lie to you."

That made him pause and look down at her. One brow raised, but he
leaned back just a little to get a better look at her face." Yeah, I
trust you." He paused then gave a little smirk. "I know you wouldn't
if it was important."

She bit her lip, thinking about how best to phrase what she wanted to
say. "I know you don't believe it yourself, but can you at least trust
me a little bit when I say that you are _not_ your Da? Because, with
everything you've told me about him, I don't think I could stand him.
And I love you. So therefore you can't be like him."

J'ackt went silent as his hand slowly rubbed up and down her back and
considered what she said. "Maybe you're right, Alina. But, I could be
like him if I'm not careful. So, I'm trying not to let that happen. If
I ever hurt you or a child like that..." He shook his head. "I don't
think I could ever forgive myself. It would kill me."

"I am right." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "The fact
that you care enough to be worried about it at all is proof that
you're not your Da."

It would be so nice to really believe her and go along with what she
said, but something deep in his gut wasn't so sure. If only he could
be that certain. But her trust in him brought a sense of warmth and
relief that settled in his chest. "Maybe." His lips lifted slightly
and he squeezed her. "So...you were talking about a song on the gitar.
Show me."

Alina leaped up to grab her gitar, then settled down again next to her
weyrmate. "All right. But it's probably going to be bad. I'm not sure
if I remember how it goes... especially after that conversation!"

As someone who was notoriously tone-deaf, J'ackt just shrugged his
shoulders. "I'm sure I'll like it anyway."

Last updated on the November 23rd 2020

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Are You Crazy?