How Could You?

Writers: Miriah, Yvonne
Date Posted: 25th October 2020

Characters: J'ackt, Alina
Description: J'ackt accepts that he's hurt Alina badly
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 2, day 27 of Turn 10
Notes: Followed "Ripped at the Seams"
Mentioned: Timassa, K'ran, Saidrene

J'ackt

Alina

He had spent long hours at his mother's cairn, simply sitting and not
wanting to return to the Weyr. Had it not been for Zith and Alina, he
would have remained. So it was late when J'ackt slipped into the weyr,
looking tired. He greeted Stumpy with an absent pat and immediately sat
in his chair, saying nothing.

Alina watched him from where she was curled on their bed. The silence
stretched. After a while she rolled over and put her hands over her
eyes. "So you're still not going to talk to me."

He took a breath, stroking his hand over Stumpy's ears. "I thought
you were asleep. I didn't want to wake you up." He stared at the wall,
face visibly strained. "I didn't even know if you'd be here when I
got back. "

"I didn't think you'd bother to come back at all." She let her hands
fall from her eyes and stared at the ceiling.

J'ackt looked over at her, rose and with Stumpy padding after him,
sat on the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees. Stumpy jumped up,
laying beside Alina's legs, his tail lightly thumping her knees.
"Course I would. Didn't want to if you weren't here though. "

She laughed. It wasn't a happy sound. "No? What about Saidrene? Or
Cosani? Or anyone else I should know of? Wait-- don't answer that. I
don't want to know." She rolled over and wrapped the blanket a bit
tighter around her shoulders, like a hug.

He stiffened, but knew he should have expected her bitterness.
"Saidrene was a flight, Alina." His voice remained soft. "I went to
visit her after she transferred. We got into argument and she said
she didn't want to see me again and she needed space. It hurt and I
went to speak with my aunt, Timassa. I was just about to leave, when
Saidrene's green rose. Zith chased. Yes, I stayed after and we
talked and the lust was still there. I thought I had my friend back."
His own laugh was just as bitter. "I didn't tell you because I
thought of it as just a flight, nothing more. I don't come and talk to
you about every flight Zith wins. I didn't think you wanted me to. "
He turned to look at her back. "There isn't anyone else."

"You're right. A flight with my best friend, your ex-lover and
_cousin_, that you decided to stay for... how did she put it? A second
round? Because you both were having _such_ a fantastic time. That's
not worth mentioning at all." She squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt
to keep from crying again. "And now she's pregnant."

"It shouldn't have happened. You're right." His voice was dull. "I
should have told you." J'ackt scrubbed his hands over his face. "And
she should have /betweened/ with it the moment she knew there was a
chance. And I'm never going back to Barrier Lake. Timassa can visit
me here. I'm sorry, Alina." The last was said quietly, real regret
in his voice. "Can't tell you how much."

She sniffed, then rolled over and wrapped her arms around his middle.
Waiting for J'ackt to come back and not knowing if he would had been
almost as bad as knowing what he and Saidrene had done. Despite her
efforts, Alina began to cry again. "I'm so _mad_ at you," she choked
out between sobs, even as she held him tighter.

J'ackt turned, laying down beside her to wrap his arms tightly around
her. "I know." He pressed his cheek to the top of her head. "I
screwed up. I don't blame you."

Eventually Alina's tears stopped. She still felt rotten, and she was
still sick with anger and hurt, but it felt a bit better to have
J'ackt's arms around her. "The worst part," she said quietly, "Is that
you both decided to do something that you knew, you _knew_ would hurt
me. And you didn't care until it flamed up into your faces."

He chewed on that for a moment. No excuse would cover staying after
the flight with Saidrene for Alina. For him, it had been just an
after effect of the flight, or had it just been a convenient reason?
"You're right. I didn't even think about how you'd feel about it. I
told myself it was just a flight but I think I knew better. " His
hands stroked her back slowly. "I should've left after. I'm sorry. I
don't know what else I can say to make it better."

"You can't make it better." Alina sniffed. "We just have to live with
it, now." It was depressing. She closed her eyes and wished she could
erase knowing.

He'd been afraid that would be her answer. The past month had been so
enjoyable; they'd gotten more comfortable living together, adjusting
to each other's constant presence. It had been pleasant coming home to
their weyr, knowing she'd be there, and looking forward to it. "I'm
not going to see her again. I'm done." The hurt betrayal from
Saidrene, who had been his closest friend, rotted deep in his belly.
"And Faranth, I'm sorry I hurt you. So sorry. "

The greenrider was quiet for a long time. "What if it is your child?"
she asked quietly.

He stiffened, but didn't release her. His words were clipped. "It'll
never be my child. It'll be K'ran's."

"But what if it's blond instead of dark haired? Or--" she couldn't say
it, just in case the thought brought misfortune to the child. "What if
it looks like you? Shells... what will she tell her family? _Your_
family?"

"I don't care. It won't be its father. K'ran will." His voice
sharpened, not at Alina, but at the the idea of it. "I don't know
what she'll tell them. It's no longer my problem. The child is
K'ran's. Plain and simple. If I ever decided to actually be a father,
you'd be the mother." Not that he'd ever make that choice. No child
needed him as a father.

That gave Alina pause. She wanted children, but had chosen J'ackt over
having a family. But maybe... **We'll probably die in Thread first,**
she thought bleakly. The next Threadfall could be their last. She held
him a little tighter. "You will see Saidrene again, you know. You're
family," she said quietly.

"No, I'm not." J'ackt snarled quietly. "I spent turns without a real
family. It's not as important to me. I'm not going to see her again,
Alina. Not willingly." He had his aunt, and K'yne, but it was still
difficult for him to adapt to having family or the concept of it being
a good thing. He pressed his lips against her brow. "I have you.
That's enough."

She sighed. Selfishly she wanted J'ackt to be right about not seeing
Saidrene again, but she doubted that it would turn out like that.
"Maybe."

He grabbed her chin and forced her to look up at him. "Not maybe. I'm
done, Alina. It's done. You can go see her if you want, she's your
friend. But she's nothing to me now. Nothing. Do you understand?"

Her lips tightened. She was silent for a while, warring with herself.
She wanted to trust him, but it was... hard. She debated not saying
anything, knowing he'd hate that and wanting to inflict some of the
pain she felt on her weyrmate. But she also wanted him back, even if
he'd broken his promises and hurt her. Love was stupid.

Hesitantly, she reached up and covered his hand with hers. "All right."

"And I am sorry, Alina. For hurting you." J'ackt swallowed hard. "I
never want to hurt you."

"Well, you did. You both did." She tried to scowl at him, but tears
pricked at her eyes again as she started to cry. Which was worse.
Alina felt wrung out from crying. "Just because I'm holdbred doesn't
mean that-- I _get_ that the Weyr is different. I'm trying. But
friends and family-- it's supposed to mean something. Even here."

Listening to her cry, feeling her shoulders and sides tremble in his
arms, felt like repeated kicks in the gut and groin. He could deal
with her anger far better than tears. Faranth, her tears felt like
daggers. "I know. It is. I fecked it all up. " He pulled her to a sit,
facing him. "Hit me. Be angry with me. I can't stand to see you cry."

"I'm not going to hit you!" Alina scrubbed at her cheeks with the back
of her hands. "But if you do something like that again, you'll wish
that I would." Even as she said it, the greenrider realized how
unlikely that was. He had no more cousins who were also her own best
friends. It was like something out of a harper's tale.

"You should." Hitting things always made him feel better; his battered
hanging bag bore the evidence of many bouts of his temper. He sighed,
desperately wishing he could somehow make amends, but he didn't know
how. But at least she wasn't leaving. "What do I need to do?"

Alina sighed. He was sorry. He understood that he'd made her feel
awful, forgotten and overlooked. Just another stupid Holdbred
greenrider. He wanted forgiveness, but she was too angry and the hurt
was too raw. "I'm... going to have a bath," she said, needing the
space now that she was sure that he wasn't going to abandon her. And
she felt grimy from crying.

J'ackt deflated, but nodded. "Alright." He couldn't make this better
for her. He'd well and truly mangled things. "I'll be here when you're
done. "

Last updated on the October 27th 2020

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How Could You?