We're Difficult

Writers: Miriah, Yvonne
Date Posted: 9th December 2019

Characters: J'ackt, Alina
Description: Alina and J'ackt make progress om understanding each other a little better
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 12, day 26 of Turn 9
Notes: Happens after "Fine" ____

J'ackt

Alina

He couldn't understand what was wrong with her. It was just a fecking
flight! Zith chased all the bloody time! J'ackt finished with a slice
towards the man's throat, watching with irritation as the wooden
blade was wildly blocked and the young man scrambled back, dropping
his wooden practice sword and holding one hand up, but cradling the
other. "Yield! I yield!"

"Break!" The old guardsman barked out as J'ackt lifted his sword,
then lowered it just as easily. "That's enough for the day, I think.
A bit aggressive today, J'ackt."

"Needed the workout. "

"I think his wrist might be broken." The guardsman examined the
younger man, whose face was pinched in pain. "Went a little hard on
him, don't you think?."

"It's not broken. I didn't hit him hard enough. " J'ackt barely looked
up, then handed the older man the practice blade. "He'll remember not
to try to block with his arm next time. "

The young man's wrist was wrapped before being sent to the infirmary
and J'ackt returned to his weyr, covered in a sheen of sweat and tunic
thrown over his arm. Examining his a few bruised knuckles as he
entered the weyr, he threw his shirt into the hamper and stalked to
the bathing pool.

Alina pretended not to watch from where she sat on their bed. Stumpy
lay with his head in her lap, eating up the attention. Alina usually
tried to kick him off the bed but today she craved the comfort and so today
Stumpy stayed. After a while the splashing from the bathing pool
stopped. The greenrider listened for J'ackt's return to their shared
weyr with a heart torn in two-- she wanted him back, beside her, and
she dreaded having to speak to him. But then she heard his footfall in
the weyr. "I-- had a bad flight." She kept her eyes fixed on the
canine as she spoke. "It won't happen again."

Wrapping the towel around his waist firmly, J'ackt looked up and
settled his hands on his hips. "Yes it will. You hate your flights
because you're ashamed of the fact you have them. " He shook his head,
then moved to their shared wardrobe to pull out a pair of trousers.
Pulling off his towel, he shouted on loose linen pants, then turned
pace quietly back to the bed and sat on the end, elbows on his knees.
"And I don't know how to fecking help you with it."

Stumpy rolled away from Alina to creep over to J'ackt and lick the
water droplets on the bronzerider's skin that the towel had missed.
Alina let her hands fall loose in her empty lap. "I tried something
different this time. As I said, it won't happen again."

J'ackt pushed Stumpy away, then patted the big canine's head. "What
was different?" He turned to look at his weyrmate, eyes searching her,
looking for some hint.

She shrugged. "Just... tried to be more present. Everyone else likes
flights, so..." Alina shook her head, her lips twisting into a bitter
mockery of a smile. "It was a stupid idea."

His brow knit and he sat straight. "Why? Did you not find some
pleasure in it?" He looked at the bitterness of the smile and thought
perhaps he understood. "Or is it that you don't want to enjoy yourself
if I'm not involved?"

That struck a nerve. She glared at him. "It doesn't matter _why_. And
I told you, I'll take care of it."

"It does matter, Alina." He bit back his temper. "And how exactly are
you going to take care of it? I don't understand, I really don't.
What are you so afraid of?" He ran his hands through his hair. "This
is why I don't let go with you, did you know that? Why I restrain
myself with you? How do I know that if I do something that I enjoy or
show you something I enjoy, that it won't be too much for you? That
it'll disgust you and you'll leave? I _love_ you, Alina. I hate that
you won't even try to accept that Flights can be good for you. I want
to see you be free of that...hatred you have for yourself." He rose
and began to pace, one hand tugging at his hair. "Tell me _how_ I can
help this!"

"Wait-- you think that because I don't enjoy flights, I don't enjoy
_you_!?" Alina's expression changed to shock, then hurt. "You keep
saying it yourself that flights aren't the same as what we have.
Flights _happen_. I _chose_ you."

"That is _not_ what I said." He replied quickly, frustrated. "I know
you enjoy me." He rubbed his face. "They aren't the same. But I don't
understand why you don't enjoy them! Faranth, just explain it to me,
because I don't understand and feck it all, I need to."

"I _chose_ you-- don't you get that?!" Alina slid off the bed and took
his hands in hers-- partially to get him to stop pacing, but mostly
because she felt like she needed to touch him and hold him beside her
after he'd stormed out on her earlier that night. "Flights just-- they
_happen_, and I'm just there, barely. It's intimate and I don't want
to be intimate with people-- people I don't like, who don't like me,
who I don't know or want to be with. But it doesn't matter because
every time Imarith rises that's exactly what happens. Ever since I was
Searched the only thing I've been able to choose about my life is you,
and-- and now you're mad at me because I don't like being in bed with
whatever random man happens to win Imarith's flight!"

He stopped his pacing as his hands were caught. "I'm not mad at you
over _that_, Alina. I'm mad because I don't know how I can make it
better for you." He sighed and finally cupped her cheek. "And I hate
that Flights bother you so much. I hate that you feel you have to
scrub yourself after. Don't you see that I want you to be happy here?"

She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. "Unless Zith wins
Imarith's flights from now on, I don't think that will change. I'm
just not... like you. Like everyone else."

"He might not win. He chases, but blues and browns typically win
greens." It was something they both knew, so he sighed. "It's there
anything that I can do to make it this easier on you? Anything?"

Alina hesitated. She wanted so much-- and couldn't have it. Watching
J'ackt storm out the door had hurt, as had coming back to their weyr
to find out that he didn't seem to care that she'd been with another
man. "Just-- just don't leave me," she said quietly. It made her sound
so _needy_ and she hated it, but the words tumbled out before she
could censor them.

He blinked, then shook his head, wrapping his arms around her to
cradle her against his chest. "I'm not leaving you." He rested his
head against hers, stroking his hand down her back in an attempt at
soothing caresses. "You're stuck with me. I thought you knew that."

She leaned into him, his touch relaxing parts of her that she didn't
know were tense. "But I'm difficult. And I don't like flights. And I
maybe threw dinner at the wall." Alina sighed, the sound muffled by
his shoulder. "And you feel like you have to-- to 'restrain yourself'
around me."

"Yes, you're difficult. Always have been and I knew that from day
one." He kept stroking her back from shoulder to hip, stopping to
knead tension from her muscles. He sighed. "Yeah, I do. Some of the
things I like are...um... rough and not something that I think you'd
be comfortable with. And I'm okay with not doing them with you most
of the time."

Alina pushed away from him. "But you just _decided_ that. You didn't
even ask me!"

J'ackt sighed. "Don't know how to just tell you these things or ask
them." How could he explain it? "I don't know how you'd react to it."

"I trust you. So maybe _you_ should trust _me_." Alina crossed her arms, then nervously stepped forward to embrace her weyrmate again. "I just... want to have a choice. You know?"

Wrapping his arms back around her, he nodded. He could relate, he realized, especially thinking of his first turn at the Weyr. He'd felt so out of control of his own life that he'd struggled until he found some equilibrium on his own. It had been difficult and he still harbored some anger and rebellious tendencies despite his adjustment. He could see how Alina would feel. "I get it." He cleared his throat. "Just don't want to be kicked out of bed for suggesting some things. Don't want to make you feel uncomfortable either." Maybe if he started with something simple... "Well, what you like me to do to you...I like it in return. Just so you know."

"Like what?"

He blinked down at her, then began to chuckle. "How did I wake you up two days ago?"

Alina flushed, then set her jaw rebelliously. She'd asked for it, and why not now-- when her blood was still hot from their fight and Imarith's flight. And if he made fun of her for being bad at it-- she squelched that thought. He wouldn't. Alina stood on her tiptoes and pulled his mouth down towards hers, taking the lead.

Last updated on the December 18th 2019

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We're Difficult