Baby Steps

Writers: Aaron, Heather
Date Posted: 26th September 2019

Characters: T'ner, F'aen
Description: T'ner asks for some relationship advice from his favorite – that is, the weyrling staffer closest to his age.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 12, day 14 of Turn 9

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir," said T'ner to F'aen once he had managed to find a time when they were both free enough for a chat, "but something's been on my mind, and I hoped I could talk with you about it for a moment?"

"Whoa, sir? That's what I call my father," F'aen laughed. "Just call me F'aen." Even though he did help as an assistant he was realistically only three to four Turns older than T'ner. "What's up?"

T'ner blushed, but his smile showed he was pleased with the bit of familiarity. And the laugh. T'ner liked to laugh with F'aen.

"Sure," he said. "So," and as he began to return to the subject at hand, his smile turned back to a worried expression, "I'm..." He took a deep breath.

"This is going to require a little bit of explanation if you don't already know, but I'm married. Was married. My wife and I came here together with our son when I was Searched, and things were kind of amazing for a little while. Living on our own, chasing our dreams, that kind of thing, right?"

"But then I found Lehystrath. And I'm not sure either one of us thought I actually would. And the law says we can't be married any more. But we've been trying very hard to go on considering ourselves husband and wife anyway, in as many ways as we can."

"Obviously, we can't live together or even see each other very much now, and I know that's putting some strain on us, but... Things feel weird now. Whenever I see her, it's like there's something she's not telling me, and I don't know what it is. Did you have... er... someone before you Impressed?"

"No, I didn't," F'aen said, although his eyebrows were still raised from the story the blue Weyrling told. **Married?** The greenrider could count on one hands the number of formerly married dragonriders he'd ever met. The obvious problem came immediately to F'aen's mind, but maybe it was because he was weyrbred. "Let me just get this straight. You were married, you came from the Hold, and you impressed a _blue_ dragon. You know what that means, right?"

T'ner's heart skipped a beat. Whatever he was about to say, deep down, he knew. But whatever he knew underneath it all, there was more than one layer of denial on top of it. What they said about blue dragons could not be true. Because he didn't. He would know if he did! Right?

"W-what does that mean?" he asked. He surely could not make his mouth form the words to admit what that meant even if he had wanted to.

**Oh boy, talk about denial,** F'aen thought.

"Men who ride blue dragons are typically comfortable being intimate with either men or women. If your Lehystrath were to catch Scarleth, for example, you would want to be prepared for that so as not to completely freak out when you come out of the flight lust naked in bed with me." F'aen said all of this very factually. "Your wife, being holdbred, is probably uncomfortable with the thought of her husband in bed with a man."

T'ner blushed redder than the Red Star, and he let out a nervous laugh.

"W-well, I mean. If. If I, if we..." He laughed a little more as he tried to collect himself. Much more a giggle than a laugh, really. "I... If Lehystrath... Whoo, boy..." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"I wouldn't completely freak out," he finally managed to say. "But... I mean, that doesn't mean..." More blushing.

And what did Ayressa care, anyhow, if it was a man he woke up next to instead of a woman? How was that any worse? If nothing else, it had to be *better*, because he could not get a man pregnant and cause more complications between them.

"But we said flights wouldn't count. We talked about it."

"But what if a flight with a man makes you realize you like being with a man more? That's probably what she is thinking," F'aen said with a lift of his shoulders. He could not begin to fathom the brain of a holder woman. "All I know is, I would bet my Scarleth that is why she is behaving differently around you. Maybe she thinks that this is something you've been hiding from her all this time."

Now T'ner looked shocked. Hiding? Something like this? Faranth. What, would she have expected him to be up front about it, even if he had known it himself? 'Oh, by the way, before we say the I dos, I like the look of a few men around here?' It was just as ridiculous as expecting him to give her a list of other women he had his eye on.

He let out a scoff.

"That's not fair," he said. "I made my commitments to *her*, and I do like women! You said blue means I do!"

The greenrider held up his hands. "You don't have to convince me, I'm just telling you what she _might_ be thinking. You won't know until you talk to her."

"S-sorry," said T'ner, blushing and consciously relaxing the tension in his shoulders as he realized he was, perhaps, shouting at someone in authority over him.

"She wouldn't tell me... If that's what it is, she wouldn't say. I tried to get her to tell me what was wrong. How do I... What do I say to her?"

F'aen's eyebrows raised. "Well, I've not exactly had experience with that," he pointed out. "But if it were me, I would just address it. Be straightforward. Sit her down and say exactly what Lehystrath's blue hide means for you. Just don't expect it to go well," he said with a shrug. "No offense, I know you're holder bred too, but most holders don't exactly like the thought of men sleeping together, even if she did agree to come to the Weyr."

**What it means for me,** thought T'ner. **What does it mean for me? Is this who I am? Is it true? How do they know? They think if I didn't like men, I'd want to hurt a man I slept with because of a flight? Well, I don't. And I never liked a man before in my life, not like that.**

}:Never, you say?:{ asked Lehystrath, clearly skeptical.

**Never! I don't know where you get off taking their side. You're supposed to be my dragon.**

}:I am. And I must know you better than you know yourself. Perhaps I'll introduce you to you one day...:{

T'ner frowned and folded his arms.

**Just because I do what you do when you chase, it doesn't change who I am. You don't change who I am.**

}:I wouldn't dream of it.:{

"I don't want it to go poorly. This... This isn't how this was supposed to go." T'ner rubbed his face with his hands.

"This is why Weyrling Staff is so... critical... when a 'married' couple comes to the Weyr and one of them is a Candidate. Things like this are hard on relationships." F'aen admitted, which was why he was glad he had been raised in the Weyr. Impressing a green and all of its implications had never been a surprise to F'aen, he had known himself very well. "Once you become a Senior Weyrling and Lehystrath is closer to chasing greens, the staff will encourage you to explore a physical relationship with a man, so it's not a surprise for you, or for the greenrider, when Lehystrath wins. They do the same with virgin female greenriders."

"I don't want to do that," T'ner insisted. They had talked about all of this. They had talked about flights. He had so confidently assured K'sedel that they were both on the same page. Because they had been! Why did this have to change things? Why was this so different? Flights didn't count! They agreed!

He huffed as he realized he might have been getting close to letting his emotions overflow into tears, and he did not want F'aen to see that or to let himself get to that point if it might panic Lehystrath. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself.

"Can't someone just tell me how I'm supposed to handle it, and that'll be that? It can't be all that different from... doing it with a woman, can it?"

F'aen could see the emotions on the blue Weyrling's face clearly, but he had no idea how to help him, since it was a situation so different than any F'aen had ever had to face as a Weyrling. "Uhm, yeah, it's... pretty different?" Not that F'aen had ever been with a woman so he supposed he couldn't really say for sure. "Perhaps you should talk to a bluerider? Someone who could tell you more? I'm not exactly the best one to give information on this."

"O-oh, I... I see. I'm sorry for, uh... assuming?" said T'ner. He looked up at F'aen with worry in his eyes. Faranth, he wanted F'aen to like him. And he was not putting his best foot forward.

"I-it. It really means a lot to me that you're, you know... taking the time... I mean, maybe you kinda have to, but..." He blushed again. "I just mean. Thank you."

Lehystrath wanted to chime in about whether T'ner was still willing to insist that he had never fancied a man, but he did not want to break what bridge might be forming there by walking on it before it could hold his weight. So he kept quiet.

"It's fine," F'aen assured him. "I'm a pretty open book so don't hesitate to ask me anything. Would you like me to set you up with another bluerider to talk to?"

T'ner winced. It was something he was going to need to know if things really were that different. He was not going to be in a good spot if he ended up injuring a fellow rider over his own personal hangups.

"Er... you said they won't be pushing me to do this until we make senior?" he asked. "Maybe I could wait until then?"

"If you talked to a bluerider now, just to talk, you might be better equipped to calm your weyrmate when you talk to her." F'aen said. "But it is up to you, the Weyrling Staff won't force you to do anything."

T'ner did perk up a bit at that possibility. If he could learn exactly what to say to allay Ayressa's concerns... whatever that might be.

"Wh... I wouldn't even know what to ask... But if it might help me talk to Ayressa, then I'll do it. Do you have any, you know... advice? Or will he just know what I need to know?"

"I'll tell T'kala that you want to talk to him. Just ask him about the details, you know, differences between men and women. He's pretty easy to talk to so I don't think you will have a problem."

"OK," said T'ner, taking a deep breath to once again try to still his nerves. "Thank you again. Maybe next time I talk to you, I'll have good news."

"Just relax, try to enjoy Weyrlinghood, you'll miss it when it's gone." F'aen advised.

"When all this is settled, I will," T'ner promised. He could not imagine missing this time, but he was not about to argue with F'aen about it.

In F'aen's opinion, T'ner's anxiety was exactly why it was better to not have any romantic attachments leading into Weyrlinghood.

Last updated on the October 14th 2019

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Baby Steps