What Happens Now?

Writers: Miriah, Yvonne
Date Posted: 11th May 2019

Characters: J'ackt, Alina
Description: J'ackt and Alina figure out what a ring means
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 10, day 26 of Turn 9
Notes: Mentioned: Urlene, Cosani, Cyradis, Elana

J'ackt

Alina

Alina was distracted at drills the next day, enough to earn another cold shoulder from the other greenrider in her nine, Leyhe. But she couldn't stop turning over the previous night in her head. What had happened, what she'd decided to do... and the sick, uncertain feeling that she'd woken up with. J'ackt had _said_ that he loved her, but promises melted away under the hot sun. It was probably inevitable. He'd managed to get her between the furs like he'd wanted to. Things could change after that. They probably would.

But her heart didn't believe it. J'ackt had sounded so sincere... but how could you ever really tell what was in someone else's heart? Despite coming from nowhere, J'ackt had slipped into Weyr life as easily as a fish into water and weyrfolk, as a general rule, avoided attachment at all cost. And it wasn't as if Alina hadn't gotten what she'd wanted, too: that her first time with no dragon driving the choice was with someone she cared deeply for. If J'ackt got tired of her now, it was her own fault. For being holdbred and caring too deeply when she should let go.

Her mind flew back to her time as a Candidate, when a young man named Ervane had tried to seduce her. Mocked her for being holdbred when she'd said no. A kiss was just a kiss to him, a silly bet to impress his friends...

She'd turned the the previous night over and over in her head all through drills and her bath afterward, wavering from a disbelieving joy to a stubborn hurt. She hesitated at the door to her own weyr, then turned down the hall that would lead her to J'ackt's. **Don't be stupid. Don't be holdbred,** she told herself sternly. The greenrider lifted her chin and knocked on his door.

The door opened and J'ackt stood, bare chested and damp from his bath. Urlene had given him a series of exercises for his shoulder and Faranth, he could tell now just how much weaker his left side was. The sight of Alina, however, immediately brought a smile to his face and his eyes warmed. "Why are you knocking?" He grabbed her hand and pulled her inside, then grabbed her face and gave her a lingering kiss before pulling away. "You don't have to knock, Alina. Just come in."

The knot of anxiety in her chest uncurled. She was standing with her hands on his bare chest, and it made her remember just how freely she'd ran her hands over his skin last night. How much she'd liked it. Alina smiled shyly. "Well, I didn't know. I will now."

"Good." He pressed his lips against her brow. "You looked like you'd swallowed something rank when I opened the door. What's going on?"

"I just..." It felt a little silly now. Overthinking things. Like a holder. "I didn't know if you'd want to see me," she blurted.

He just stared at her for a moment, a frown beginning on his face. He turned on his heel, walked to his cabinet and pulled out the small box he'd offered her before. Bringing it back, he took her hand and placed it in her palm. "I haven't said 'I love you' to anyone except you since before my mother died. I meant it. I want to talk to your father, Alina. And when you're ready, I want you here with me every night."

Her fingers curled around the box. "I love you." The words slipped out before she could stop them. Her heart skipped a beat. They were true. Resoundingly, achingly, terrifyingly true. Saying it out loud made it real in a way that made it clear how deeply that feeling was wound into her heart and being. Alina made a frustrated sound and tried again. "I do. I think I've loved you for a long time. Maybe since we both first got here."

He didn't know if that was exactly true, but he chuckled. "You hated me, if I remember. You could be a right bitch too. Still can be." He put his hands over hers on his chest and held them. "But shards if I don't like it sometimes. And I know you do. You wouldn't have been there with me last night if you didn't. So what's got you all tied about it?"

"Don't call me names when I say something nice." Alina scowled at him, feeling exposed. "_You_ were an utter savage."

"Don't think I'm very tamed yet." He kissed her scowling mouth, a smile still on his own lips. "Told you I liked it, didn't I? " He wrapped his arms around her and stroked her back. "Known for a long time how I felt about you. But now I've got you, don't I?" He looked down at her, his eyes still warm. "And I'm keeping you, so get used to it." J'ackt tilted his head. "Why did you think I wouldn't want to see you? What would make you think that?"

The greenrider felt foolish now. "Well..." she looked down at the box that was still in her hand. "Weyr people... change their minds. A part of me wondered if you'd changed yours, now that..." She blushed.

He sighed softly. "Now that we've shared a bed?" Taking her hand, he led her to his bed, sat down and pulled her down to sit beside him. "You're Weyrfolk now too, Alina. And do you honestly think that that's something I'd do, after all this time? If that's all I wanted, for one, I would have tried to seduce you before you knew you were ready and for another, I'd have given up long before now." He'd had other, more available bed partners before and he'd made use of them often. "I knew you were special. I knew you were worth not rushing and I knew that once you were ready, that it was going to be a commitment and I had to be ready for it." His fingers twined with hers. "I knew all of that. I want you here with me, in this weyr, when you're ready for it. I'm not going to push. But..." He took a breath, "I think we do need to come to an understanding."

"I know. It was stupid of me." Alina looked down at their entwined hands. "I'm sorry. And this--" she held out the ring box again. "Elana and I always knew that we'd marry someday. I _want_ to get married-- weyrmated. To you. But to me it's a forever promise. You told me that you don't know if weyrmating is something you can do, and I need to know what it actually means to you."

He'd actually given it a some thought and reflected on the advice he'd been given before speaking. "Cyradis, she told me that weyrmating was whatever we'd decide it was. It's not like a marriage at a hold because it can't be." J'ackt stroked his thumb against her skin. "Not for either of us. There's Flights and Thread and Zith chases pretty often." He looked at her and spoke plainly. "When I think of weyrmating, it means that after Zith, you're the most important thing to me. We'd share this weyr, this bed every night, and decide things that effect us together. We talk, which'll be hard for both of us sometimes, I think. We try to make other happy. We work on problems together. We're a pair."

His brow furrowed, knowing she'd not like what he was going to say next. "I know that in the Holds, married men and women aren't _supposed_ to have lovers outside of the marriage, but I also know that it happens anyway and it's just a secret that's not talked about. I don't want us to be like that, Alina. No secrets about that sort of thing. I told you that I wanted to continue seeing other people, but after finding out about Jerrine, I've soured a bit on that idea." Now
came the hard part. "I do occasionally want to spend time with Cosani. She and I are closer than friends. She's important to me." He looked at Alina, watching her face. "But she'd be the only one, Alina. No one else. My body, my heart, those are yours."

Except they weren't, not if he was asking her to share. Alina looked away, even as she tightened her grip on J'ackt's hand. She'd known this was coming ever since J'ackt had offered her the ring, even if she hadn't wanted to think about it. "How is she important," she asked flatly.

"I think you know why. But I don't love her, Alina." He reached up with his other hand to brush a stray strand of her hair away from her cheek. "But I do care for her. I enjoy spending time with her. It isn't a nightly thing, sometimes not even a weekly thing. But it is a type of friendship neither one of us want to lose. And eventually, you might have someone else that you want to spend time with other than me. As long as you tell me, love me, and are here with me, if it makes you happy, then you can do what you wish. I want you happy, Alina."

Her lips tightened and she turned back to J'ackt. Her eyes were flinty. "Not everyone strays-- not even the majority of people stray, and it's cynical to claim that they do. But if you're going to stray, if you're going to be _honest_, then you don't get to assume I know. You look me in the eye and tell me _how_ she is important to you."

J'ackt's jaw tensed, the released. He decided to be blunt and just take the fallout as it came. "She's fun and she makes me laugh. She has a wicked sense of humor about sex, doesn't hold back with anything, and I don't have to either. She's inventive and she pushes my limits." They'd done things together that he doubted Alina would ever attempt or consider. "But," he added, keeping a tight grip on her hand, "the difference is, with you...I don't want to do those things. Being with you is..." he tried to put it into words, "I want to love you. Be gentle and tender and sweet. My heart got so tangled up with you and I really felt like everything disappeared except you and me. I've never felt that way with anyone."

Every word was like a knife to her gut, for good or ill. Every fault cataloged, everything she lacked. She drank down her faults, implied or otherwise: too Holdbred, unimaginative and dull. Something to be _sweet_ to. Alina felt flayed. She knew in her marrow that she wasn't sweet, but she also craved someone who would circle back to her like the Dawn Sisters rose every morning. J'ackt was her star. She'd kept circling, for Turns now, even when it was foolish to do so, and it had brought her here. She narrowed her eyes and gathered the bloodied remains of her pride close. "I will not come second to anyone. _Ever_."

He knew full well what those narrowed eyes meant and faced them head on. "And you aren't, Alina. Not ever. If anything, she comes second to you." His voice was firm. "You come first to me, do you understand that? You always will. But don't ask me to change into something I'm not. You have to accept me, not who you want me to be, just as I've accepted you. I'm not asking you to be anyone but the woman beside me right now. That's who I love."

"No, J'ackt-- you _are_ asking me to change. You're asking me to make a huge compromise in what I believe in and what I hoped my future would be like." Just like her father when he'd sent her here, just like the Weyrlingmasters and every other person at the Weyr, and even like her sister. The people she cared most about kept trying to stuff her into the mold of who a greenrider should be in a million tiny ways, and it was exhausting. She smiled humorlessly. "And Faranth help me, I'm actually considering it. Because _you_ asked me." She took a deep breath. "If I'm going to live here, then I need three things from you."

"It _is_ a compromise, Alina. For both of us." He was used to bedding whomever he pleased, whenever he pleased. Didn't she understand that limiting himself was a compromise on his part? "It can't be just how you want or just how I want. What you thought your future would be like won't happen with me, Alina." He stopped, then arched a brow. "What?"

Alina was silent a moment. "I won't ever like that a part of you will always want to be with someone else. That's... awful to hear. Hurtful. So if I'm... if _we're_ going to do this, I need you to help me make it easier." She looked down at their entwined hands and hoped that he wouldn't pull away. "If I move into your weyr, if this is going to be my home, then she can't come here."

"Agreed." His reply was soft; he could understand why she would want that. He wanted the shared weyr to feel like it was her home and that it was only theirs. "What else do you need?"

"That every night you come back to me." She looked up at him. A lump formed in her throat. "I need you to come back to me."

He lifted his hand and cupped her face. "Always." His thumb stroked her cheek. "Once you're here, I plan on sharing our bed every night. I'll be here." He leaned and brushed his lips lightly over hers before pulling away. "What else?"

"You're asking me to do something really, really hard." She swallowed and looked away. "I can't change who I am overnight. Don't expect me to."

He tucked his finger under her chin, pulling her face around to look at her. "I know. And I don't." He'd be discrete about his time with Cosani. He'd not mention going to her, when he was, or what they did. It would be enough, he figured, that she knew it happened from time to time. "And I do love you, Alina. Very much. I know this is hard and it's not what you expected. But you're trying and that means more to me than you know."

The greenrider looked down at the box. **Am I really going to do this!?** She flicked the box open with her thumb, pulled out the ring, and slipped it onto her finger with a shaking hand. She looked up at J'ackt and managed a small half-smile. "Well. I suppose I live here now."

He frowned, then slowly and carefully removed the ring from her finger. "No, we're not doing it like this." He rose, then turned to kneel in front of her, looking a bit awkward. He'd never knelt in front of anyone willingly before and it showed. "Alina, will you accept me as your weyrmate?" He then held out the ring to her in offering.

Tears pricked at her eyes. He was trying, but it wasn't quite working, and she was going to start crying if she wasn't careful. Or laugh. Or both. "You're an idiot. I already said I would." Alina slid off the edge of the bed to sit on the floor facing him. "Will you accept me as yours? Even though I'm--" Flawed. Not enough. Jealous and holdbred. She shrugged, a bit helplessly. "I'm me."

"That's who I want. You. So yes." He cupped her cheeks and kissed her gently. "I love you." He slid the ring on her finger with satisfaction.

It glittered on her finger. Alina leaned forward to kiss her bronzerider. "So... do I live here _now_?"

"Yes." The words were spoken against her lips, a smile on his own. "And I think we should get naked and celebrate."

She laughed, even as Alina paused to wipe away tears. "You would," she told him, and kissed him back.

Last updated on the June 15th 2019

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What Happens Now?