A Mess of Feelings

Writers: Avery, Heather
Date Posted: 5th February 2019

Characters: K'lvin, Irrkali
Description: K'lvin's spirits are lifted when talking to an old friend, Irrkali.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 8, day 12 of Turn 9

K'lvin didn't feel embarrassed often, he was generally the type of
person that carefully thought through a decision or action, in an
attempt to safeguard against regrets. At the moment he was so annoyed
at himself for having gone to Riveenata's weyr, without checking
first, that he could kick himself.

**See? She probably didn't think anything of the kiss and here you've
been stewing about it all day.** It had been such a trivial thing to
her that she had already invited someone else over, K'lvin thought,
not that he felt any hard feelings toward Riveenata at all....

He was jealous of T'kala. He had nothing against the bluerider,
personally, in fact, T'kala had been a good wingrider for him when
they'd lived at River Bluff. K'lvin was jealous of T'kala's youth and
the fact that he was probably more of Riveenata's "type". Carefree,
young, no baggage.

Riveenata was his friend and he had to stop being so irrational when
he was around her. He wasn't even sure what he wanted out of life. He
was a retired bronzerider with little purpose. His heart still ached
for Bahji, and he had two daughters that looked to him. Who wanted to
get tangled in that?

}:Jeath's is here:{ Xmrenth informed him, sitting with the green on his
ledge.

K'lvin exhaled, all he wanted to do was tuck his tail and hide out for a
while.

Irrkali cleared her throat before walking inside. "K'lvin? Xmrenth
told Jeath you were free right now."

**That's putting it lightly,** he thought.

"Yes, I'm free. Come on in, I've got klah on the warmer," he offered.

"This late at night? Do you want to be up forever using the
chamberpots?" she teased him as she came in.

"I've got nothing better to do," he began pouring himself a cup.

"Well, pour me some so we can be miserable together," she joked.
"Seriously, there's lines around your eyes and brows. What's got you
into such a mood? Losing that green earlier?"

"Ha!" he barked. K'lvin poured Irrkali a cup and handed it to her. He
felt free to be miserable and bitter in front of her, she had seen him
through all the stages of his life. "It's a greenrider, but not that
one."

"So it's not me, and it's not that green from earlier. Who is it, then?"

"Riveenata." There was no point hiding it from her.

Irrkali tried to remember if that name had come up before, and she
wasn't placing it. "Who's she to you?"

"A friend maybe? Or no one. I don't know," he said honestly. Although
it felt wrong to call her 'no one' his heart told him that. "The
mindhealer paired us up right after River Bluff to have someone to
talk to, me being retired, and her slipping performance resulting in
being grounded for a while. I guess you could say we became friends
over the course of that time, she's very easy to talk to, everything
was comfortable." He let out a big sigh, "And then Xmrenth went and
won her green's flight and it's been confusion ever since."

"Doesn't sound like no one, if she's affecting you this much," Irrkali
said wisely.

Thinking of more relevant questions, she asked, "Was she one of your
wingriders? How old is she?"

"No, she was in the Queen's Wing at River Bluff." K'lvin truthfully
didn't know her age exactly. "She's in her early twenties, twenty-two
or three maybe?"

Irrkali could think of a dozen terrible jokes to make about how that
meant the greenrider in question was closer to her daughter's age than
to K'lvin's, but she figured he wouldn't appreciate it being called
out so directly.

"Ahh, so it's not a case of a sunstruck former wingrider seeing her
wingleader as finally approachable now that he's been knocked off a
pedestal," she teased.

"No, I'm afraid it's more of an old bronzerider who's been put out to
pasture behaving irrationally." K'lvin shook his head. It's like his
head wasn't screwed on right and he hadn't been able to adjust it ever
since River Bluff.

"You think your interest in her is irrational? What is it?" she pried
gently. "Infatuation with a pretty young face?"

K'lvin made a face, "No, I didn't even notice her in that way until
Xmrenth won her flight. Maybe... maybe it reminds me of Bahji, I don't
know." He raked his hair out of his eyes.

She tapped a finger on her lip. "Trying to recapture the feeling of an
old romance?"

"I don't think it's that, she's nothing like Bahji, it doesn't feel
like that...." Not that it felt less, but different. "I'm just... I'm
no good for anyone, Irrkali, you know me best. I'm not a relationship
person, I tried with Cylena, and we see how that ended. Then with
Bahji, and how that ended. I can't..." He stopped and changed
direction, "Not again."

Irrkali didn't beat around the bush with her friends. She saw a
problem and went for it. "Cylena chose to leave. Bahji was an
accident. Does that mean you'll never open your heart again? Never
share a bed outside of flights?"

"No but... I'm not Riveenata's type. I'm at least twenty years her
senior, I can't even fly 'fall, I still dream about Bahji at night and
then there's Kylena and Kaliha... She just... deserves more than I can
have to give."

"K'lvin, you have one of the biggest hearts I know," she chided
gently. "How do you know you're not her type? Is it just the Turns?"

"That's part of it," he said, and the rest was his disbelief that she
would reciprocate romantic feelings towards him in return.

"Are you afraid she won't like the girls? Or they won't like her?"

"Well, Kaliha is too young to know the difference. I don't know about
Kylena, she liked Bahji, but she was younger then. I don't think that
will be a problem, though," K'lvin said, he had witnessed Riveenata
being a very kind and considerate person, and he didn't think his
children would factor against him.

Irrkali looked at him and arched an eyebrow. "I think you should ask
her. You said you spend time together? Go on a date. A real one. See
how she takes it. If it doesn't work out, can you still be friends?"

"What if I ask and she says no? Then things are awkward or she thinks
I've had the wrong idea about our times together."

"Then you know. Will it be less awkward if you're thinking it and don't
ask?"

K'lvin chewed on that for a moment, "I don't know."

She considered if she should ask, 'do you think she might be worrying
the same thing?' but then decided that might be too much for him to
think of.

Instead, she said, "Well, are you just going to torment yourself about
it all night?"

"Probably, it's not like there's anything I can do about it tonight. She
had a much younger than me bluerider over when I went by and it didn't
look like a casual call," he shrugged.

She pressed her lips together, considering. Maybe her theory was wrong.
"Mm, I'm sorry to hear."

"It'll work itself out," K'lvin said finally. "Now, why did you come by?
Not to hear me whine, I'm sure," he shot her a grin.

She tapped a finger against her mouth. "Well, it had been for some
gossip. I _was_ dropping by to ask about goldriders, actually."

K'lvin's eyebrow raised, "Okay, I'm intrigued. Ask away."

"I mean, the Weyrwoman's Second here was a Weyrwoman once. Do you know
her story? Is she addle-brained in some way?"

"Kapera? She's always seemed perfectly sane to me," he'd had some
dealings with her since he was retired. "If I understand it right, she
was Weyrwoman at Dragonsfall but grew sick and had to leave to
recuperate. Once she was well enough she took Saibra's place here, who
took Hygalia's place at Dragonsfall." K'lvin let out a breath once all
of that had been spit out, "Keep up with all that?"

"That's quite a string of Weyrwomen there," she mused. "Well, physical
illness is better than what it could have been. I heard that Traelyn
here was crazy."

"Wouldn't know, never met her, but I can't imagine her being crazier
than Rhosyn was," K'lvin had never said that while he was living and
working at River Bluff, because he believed in trying to be respectful
and supportive of those in leadership, but he saw no reason to mince
words now.

"I remember hearing some stories. It makes me glad I just ride green.
Maybe something about that shiny dragon hide just addles their brains.
Maybe that's what's wrong with all you bronzeriders," she teased.

K'lvin laughed, "Maybe, but then, I've never been a gold tail chaser."

"Oh, it's not even chasing their tails. Bronze dragons are metallics,
maybe something about that drives all of you crazy."

"Aye," K'lvin raised his eyebrows, "so what's your excuse?"

She contemplated this for a minute, looking mock-serious before
laughing, which made fine lines wrinkle around her eyes. "It must be
rank knots. Being a wingthird once addled me."

"Well that will certainly do it." K'lvin agreed.

"So you're doubly damaged then. Bronzerider and former Wingleader. How
could anyone cope with you?" she teased. "Oh, wait, it's because
you're such a great man."

K'lvin sighed, but there was an easier smile on his face now. "You're
too kind, Irrkali. What would I do without you?"

She let her joking smile become more serious. "You'd do fine, darling.
You already have."

Last updated on the February 26th 2019

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A Mess of Feelings