I Want To be Happy

Writers: Miriah, Suzee
Date Posted: 29th June 2014

Characters: Bahji, D'arvn
Description: D'arvn starts to bring Bahji out of her shell
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 7, day 14 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: E'rae, K'lvin

D'arvn

Bahji sat in the small chair in her room, fingers laying lightly on
the loom in her lap. Her fingers were twined in the yarn, but they
didn't move; there was only a little more on the loom and the spindle
lay just past her fingers. She didn't make a motion to continue
weaving, but simply sat there, her gaze unseeing but also distant. She
was so lost in thought that the soft rap on her door frame didn't stir
her.

"Bahji?" D'arvn looked in on the girl. "Did you hear that lunch is ready?"

"Hm?" She blinked rapidly and turned her head. "What did you say?" She
sighed. "I'm sorry, I'm a little distracted."

"I can see that," he smiled knowing full well she couldn't see it. He
repeated. "Lunch is ready."

She fingered the yarn on her lap. "I'm not really hungry. But thank
you." She felt along the loom, but could get up the interest to begin
the project again.

D'arvn shook his head and walked into the room. He reached into her
lap and picked up the loom and yarn. "And I promised your mother I'd
make sure you ate. So let's go."

She immediately frowned and lifted a hand to take the loom back, but
then placed it back in her lap. "D'arvn, really, I'm just not hungry.
I don't feel like eating. Can I have my loom back, please?"

"I really don't care, I made it so you don't have to go to the cavern
and it's not going to waste because you're going to _eat_ it." He said
and held the loom out of her reach.

Her jaw dropped slightly. She had never expected D'arvn to really try
to force her to do anything. He had always been so gentle with her.
She frowned, her lips twisting; she shouldn't waste food, especially
if he had made it for her, but she just had no appetite. "I..I guess I
can try."

"There's my girl," he said with approval in his voice and carried the
loom out of the room with him. Setting it on the couch he went to the
table and pulled out a chair for her. "It's soup."

Her nose wrinkled as she found her way to the table, reached a hand to
find the chair and sat. Soup didn't sound so bad, but at the thought
of food, her stomach quailed just a little. "You're not going to let
me just stay in the weyr, are you?"

He smiled as he slid into his own chair. "You can stay here as long as
you need to heal Bahji. The thing is, I can't keep it a secret for
long, much as I might want to." He took a taste of the rich vegetable
broth. "It really is up to you, but at some point someone is going to
find out. Anyone has to work for their keep at the Weyr."

Her fingers found the bowl and slid up to grasp the spoon. She didn't
take a bite, not at first, but simply swirled the soup around in the
bowl. "I know. I just..." She bit his lower lip. "I miss him. But I'm
angry at him too. I don't know what to do."

"You've been through an awful experience and only you can know when
you can move on. I'm here to help you have a safe place to do that.
Where other concerns won't interfere. But we both know it won't last
forever and at some point you have to stop refusing to deal with it.
Life happens, we have to deal with it." He'd learned that the hard
way.

"I know." She swirled her soup around some more. "I don't know how. I
know that pregnancies end all of the time. I know it happens,
especially at the Weyr. And I know that it was dangerous for me, so I
can understand why he did it, but...I'm still angry. And hurt. And
then E'rae showed up at home and..." She shook her head. "I didn't
tell him what happened. Not really."

This was the first time she'd opened up like this which D'arvn took as
a good sign even though he knew she was still suffering. "That's good
Bahji. E'rae doesn't need to know that part. You've saved him from
additional pain he doesn't need."

She put down her spoon and shook her head. "He was upset. He yelled at
me and I yelled back. Said that I pushed him away and I wanted to hurt
him." She hugged herself. "And that it was okay for him to be with
other men because he's blue rider but not okay for me to choose to be
with another man." There was growing frustration. "I just don't know
what I did wrong! What I'm doing wrong! What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing," D'arvn said softly. "E'rae is wrong. When you commit to
someone either male or female it doesn't matter what sex they are or
prefer. It's the commitment that matters. If you don't commit to them
then they can't expect that same loyalty. Neither person can have it
both ways just because they happen to be a dragonrider." Then he
smiled and added "Outside of flights that is. There is no control over
that. The dragons choose, the rider complies."

Her lip trembled and she took a deep breath as she picked up her spoon
again. "You know...I'm angrier at him than at K'lvin. It should be the
other way around."

"I can understand why," he said. "E'rae was incredibly unfair to
expect you to be loyal to him while he ran around with other people.
K'lvin did what he did to save your life. Their motivations were
completely different. E'rae's was selfishness. But K'lvin should have
asked first. That was just lack of judgement." He knew E'rae was also
hurt by the loss of his child that the mysterious accident had taken
from him but that was no excuse for the way he'd treated Bahji.

Bahji finally took a bite of the soup, then blinked. It tasted good
and her stomach suddenly rumbled in appreciation. She took another
bite and swallowed a bit more slowly. "I just wish...I wish I could be
happy again."

"You will," he said with confidence. "Just give it time."

Last updated on the July 1st 2014

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I Want To be Happy