It IS My Fault..

Writers: Miriah
Date Posted: 24th December 2013

Characters: Bahji
Description: Bahji sinks deeper into depression
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 4, day 19 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: Gelira, D'arvn, E'rae, U'das

Bahji laid curled up in her bed again. She had gone to the weavery in the
morning, but her leg and shoulder had begun to pain her and had left after
the noon day meal. This time, she did not make the journey to E'rae's weyr.
Instead, she huddled in her own small room, hugging her pillow tightly.

For the first time since she had lost her sight, Bahji felt utterly useless.
Her mind couldn't stay focused on what she was making on her loom earlier;
it had gotten into such a tangle, that another weaver had had to stop to
help her more than once. She had heard the frustration and impatience in the
voice of the weaver, though the man tried to hide it. She couldn't blame
him, though. He had his own work to do and shouldn't have been pulled away
to handle her own mistakes. Between that frustration and the aches that
accompanied her healing bones, she couldn't get anything done.

She sniffled slightly and hugged her pillow tighter, ignoring the soft croon
from Burst that attempted to comfort her. She felt alone; she had friends,
true, but even as alone as she felt, she didn't want to get up and go to
them. She wanted to be alone and yet?she didn't want to be alone. It was a
hard concept for her to grasp, mentally. She ached for that companionship,
but didn't want to burden them with her own pain. U'das had his own
difficulties to face with his eyesight and she didn't want to make Gelira
uncomfortable, especially with her own growing pregnancy. Bahji gave a
hiccuping sob and stifled it before it could overwhelm her. D'arvn was hurt
and had to do his own healing. And E'rae?

Her eyes closed tightly, fingers digging into her pillow. He would hold her,
but he didn't _touch_her. She?d gotten used to the intimate touch, to their
mutual enjoyment of each other. She could understand that he didn't want to
hurt her, but he had touched her before without the full act and she had
enjoyed it. She enjoyed feeling his skin underneath her fingers; but more
than that, it was a comfort. She knew then that he wanted her. Now, she wasn't
so sure.

Despite his assurances, she couldn't help but wonder if he blamed her for
what had happened, for the loss of their child. He thought she was weak and
helpless. Her shoulders curled in defensively at the thought, ignoring the
burning pain from her collar bone at the movement. Maybe she was. Maybe if
she had been paying attention and had been focused on her surroundings, it
wouldn't have happened. She could have caught herself or noticed the touch
of the rope that had caught her feet and stopped. The sob that ripped out of
her couldn't be stifled, nor could the trembling cries that followed. It was
her fault. She hadn't been paying attention. She was blind and helpless and
couldn't take care of herself. E'rae was right.

All her fault. Her soft keens of grief and recriminations were given to her
pillow and to the small bronze that creeled and nudged her, desperate to
comfort. She didn't want to accept that comfort. No wonder E'rae didn't want
her. Why would anyone want her? She pushed weakly at Burst, trying to make
him go away, to leave her alone. But the little bronze stubbornly clung to
her side, burrowing his head under her chin with determination.

Bahji remained in her room for the rest of the night, sobbing quietly into
her pillow before finally giving in to sleep. She did not emerge to go into
the weavery the next day, but remained in her room, not emerging for any
meals, nor answering any knocks at her door.

Last updated on the January 15th 2014

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It IS My Fault..