Needs

Writers: Devin, Bree
Date Posted: 4th May 2007
Series: Saving Each Other

Characters: Talryne, N'vanik
Description: In the aftermath of dragonlust, Talryne and N'vanik both have issues.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 3, day 15 of Turn 4

Talryne

N'vanik

N'vanik stumbled away from the group, hardly aware of where he was. He needed release, he needed a woman, he needed . . . **Loseth?**

}:What?:{ The bronze's response was heavy with frustration.

**Ask Tal if she can handle me.** He brushed off a woman that had grabbed his arm.

Loseth's tone was less aggressive when he spoke to her. }:N'vanik wants to know if you can handle him.:{
**Handle him?** It meant he'd lost the flight. And that it was so soon after he'd left meant that he hadn't accepted one of the all too willing women who so often waited at the edges of a flight. He wanted to come to her. The thought was a little intoxicating. **Of course, Loseth. Does he want me to stay here or meet him in his weyr?**

}:You should go to our weyr. It will be faster.:{ Then Loseth relayed her answer to his rider. }:She says of course.:{
**Then come get me!** Loseth landed in the Weyrbowl without protest. N'vanik shook off another woman, ignoring her promises, and jumped onto Loseth's neck. Within moments, he was jumping off again and walking into his weyr. He stopped a few feet from Talryne, staring at her with dark, clouded eyes. "You sure?" he growled. "Cause if I hurt you, I will _not_ be happy."

The look in his eyes reminded her of a time when she'd been one of the women who loved waiting at the edges of a flight. She hadn't cared whose weyr she ended up in--just as long as it was intense and overwhelming and let her forget, just for a little bit, that she was miserable.

But this was different. She hadn't known what misery was then--she hadn't known what it was to be truly alone. Not when she'd had Ysanth. Now the only person she had was the man in front of her, who tried so hard to make her feel like she wasn't alone. It was no choice at all. She reached for him, wanting more than just the physical pleasure. She wanted him. All of him. "You won't hurt me," she promised him in a whisper as her hands slid around him.

He pulled her tight against him. "If you want the bed, you should run," he said, using the last of his restraint. "Otherwise, we're going on the floor."

Knowing he would probably feel a lot better about the entire situation if they ended up on the bed, Talryne pulled out of his arms and backed toward the sleeping chamber. She spent one last moment watching him with her heart pounding in excitement, then she spun and bolted for the bed, half hoping he'd catch her before she reached it anyway. N'vanik ran after her, catching her in the doorway and tackling her onto the bed. He wanted her. _Her_, not just a body, but that didn't make him slow down. Didn't stop him from tearing at their clothes. Didn't stop him from taking her hard. They ended up in a boneless tangle of shaky limbs, with Talryne gasping for breath as her heart pounded in her chest. "Shards," she whispered, her voice sounding shaky as the rest of her. "You okay?" he asked, his voice rough with the effort to speak. She made a noise that sounded like a cross between a whimper and a laugh. "Are you an idiot? A _deaf_ idiot? I think people three weyrs down know I'm feeling just fine." She paused and really did giggle. "Or they think you killed me."

N'vanik snorted and then started to laugh. "I really hope they don't come check."

Talryne squirmed around until she could rest her head on his shoulder. "Me too. Especially if it means I have to move. I don't think I can."

"Mmmmm." He wrapped an arm around her. "How long until you _can_ move?"

She laughed and pressed a soft kiss to his chest. "I'm not sure if I hope you're joking or not."

"A little bit," he chuckled softly. "I'm not usually quite this worn out."

"Being worn out is perfectly acceptable." She slid a hand onto his chest and traced idle patterns as her heart finally slowed. "You didn't hurt me, in case you're thinking about secretly brooding or something."

"Good." His fingers brushed up and down her spine. "Then I don't have to ask you next time. I can just tell you." He grinned.

She smiled against his chest, but the smile faded when she realized that she would always be the one waiting to see if N'vanik lost. She was like any other lower caverns woman now... taking advantage of the lust caused by something she'd never participate in. The only difference was that the drudges did something useful. She sat in her weyr and waited for N'vanik to have time for her.

The aching sense of emptiness welled up so fast her breath hitched. She was always going to be on the outside now. Flights, drills... even Falls. Things she never should have missed, but now would have done anything to be a part of. If only because it would have meant... **Ysanth.**

"Hey," he pulled back to look at her. "What is it?"

She clenched her eyes shut and took a shuddering breath. "I'm sorry. Sometimes it still... it still hits me. That she's never going to be here." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "That I'm alone."

N'vanik put both his arms around her, his heart aching. "You're alone, but you're not _alone_."

}:I am not yours, but I'm your friend. I'm here,:{ Loseth crooned.

Her fingers dug into his shoulders so hard that her fingernails broke the skin. "I'm so terrified, N'vanik. Tell me you're not going to get tired of me. Please. Even if it's not true... just lie to me." He held her tighter, ignoring the pain. "I don't want to lie to you. You told me you trusted me. Is that true?"

There was a slight hesitation and then she opened her eyes and looked up at him. "Yes."

He kept his eyes on hers. "Then trust me when I tell you: I'm not going to get tired of you."

She buried her face in his chest and exhaled raggedly, her fingers finally relaxing on his shoulders. It was what she wanted to hear--what she _needed_ to hear--but she still wasn't sure she could let herself believe it. "It's kind of scary to need someone," she whispered.

"Terrifying," he whispered back.

Talryne had expected him to say something about how scary it was to be needed. His quiet whisper brought her head up again, her eyes finding his and searching almost desperately for the truth behind that admission. **Please need me... _please_ need me...**

N'vanik felt caught. If he looked away, she might see it as a rejection. But he couldn't keep looking at the desperate need in her eyes. A feeling was rising up in him, one he tried so hard to avoid, and behind it--all around it--was the voice of fear. The chant it repeated grew louder and louder in his head: **Run . . . Run! . . . _RUN!_**

He kissed her, hoping she'd know he meant what he said. Hoping it would be enough.

It wasn't. She was tentative and uncertain, her body tensing against his as she struggled to fight down disappointment. She'd asked for too much, and now she knew he didn't want to give it. It made the tenderness of his kiss seem like a lie, and she half wished he'd just go back to fast and hard. There had been no false promises in that, and no expectations. She couldn't afford expectations, because she wasn't sure she could survive disappointment.

Her tense reaction told him all he needed to know. N'vanik pulled back. "Tal, please. Please." He closed his eyes. "I don't know how to handle this."

"I'm sorry." I shouldn't have--" **Hoped.** She closed her eyes again and forced herself to relax. The last thing she wanted was to make him so upset that he pushed her away completely. "I'm sorry."

The clashing emotions threatened again, but he pushed them down. Lifting a hand, he brushed her hair back from her face. "Don't surrender. Don't close up on me."

She couldn't open her eyes to look at him, not while it would give so much away. "You don't owe me anything, N'vanik. You don't."

"Do you think you owe me?" he asked quietly. Was that what this was? Some kind of payment? It was a sickening thought.

"I owe you everything." Her hands shook until she tightened them around his arms again. "Everything I have. Everything."

"No, you don't." Now it wasn't just a voice in his head. He _wanted_ to run. "I don't want you to owe me. I don't want you to feel _obligated_."

She finally opened her eyes, and they were full of tears. "You don't understand, N'vanik... how do you never understand? You're the one who has been obligated. To let me live here, to take up your time with me. You changed your entire life around, dealt with my bad times, didn't care that I wasn't ready for sex..." The tears spilled over but she didn't care. "Every night before you come to me, I wonder if you feel _obligated_ to sleep next to me, because you know I can't sleep without you."

N'vanik felt his eyes grow hot and had to swallow before he could speak. "I _like_ sleeping next to you. I _like_ spending time with you. At first I let you stay because I felt guilty, but at some point that stopped being a reason." He wiped a tear from her cheek and held her face with his hand. "I don't let people get this close, Tal. I don't."

Her voice sounded tiny and uncertain when she finally spoke. "Why me? I'm broken. I was broken before this. I'm no good for you."

"Yes, you are." He wiped more of her tears away.

After a moment she took a deep breath and closed her eyes again. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing."

He leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Neither do I."

Last updated on the May 6th 2007

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