Dear Nihilism

Writers: Francesca, Halyonix
Date Posted: 8th May 2025

Characters: J'nic, V'dryn
Description: V'dryn comes to J'nic for advice.
Location: Barrier Lake Weyr
Date: month 3, day 24 of Turn 12
Notes: Mentioned Riyanth

J'nic

The day-to-day loss of Riyanth had faded to a low background noise of the Weyr. At least, to V'dryn it had. He had no idea what was happening at the higher levels of leadership but that was beyond his scope then. However, between what had happened and what was _going_ to happen soon, V'dryn found himself tossing and turning at night, nightmares about the past waking him up, while thoughts about the future kept him from falling back asleep.

Eventually, he decided that he needed to speak with someone about it. Softly, he knocked on J'nic's door and waited for entry.

J'nic was so engrossed in the hides in front of him, he barely heard the knock. Shaking his head slightly to clear it, and still not sure if there was someone there, he called out, "Come in."

"Sir," V'dryn said calmly as he clasped his hands behind his back after walking in. Doubt pressed at his mind. Should he do this? Was it admitting too much weakness? Maybe he could discern a different way of handling his issues, one that did not require him to reveal what he was thinking. People might think less of him.

"V'dryn," J'nic said with a smile. "Come on in, take a seat. Want something to drink?" A pot of warm klah, a pitcher of redfruit juice, and some empty glasses sat on a side table.

The blue weyrling nodded and then poured himself a glass of juice. He sat down, cradling it in between his hands, as he said, "I um...wanted to talk to you. If you have a moment, sir."

"Of course. I'm always available." He kept his tone light and friendly. "What's on your mind?"

A lot more than V'dryn suddenly had words for, it seemed.

Obviously trying to crystallize all of it into something cohere, V'dryn's hands moved as though he was putting invisible pieces together while he sought for the right words. "I...am struggling," he began. "Opposite of the miraculous beauty of Impression is the deadly menace of Thread. Which I knew was coming but..."

He paused. Took a moment before launching into the second head of the hydra in his mind. "And with Riyanth's death..."

J'nic nodded solemnly. Weyrlings already had enough to deal with. It was unfair that they were also reeling from the death of the senior queen. Of course, life on Pern wasn't fair. "Death from Thread is terrible, but is something we know is a risk of being a dragonrider, right? Riyanth's death feels like it should have been prevented somehow." He paused, wondering what V'dryn might find useful at this moment. "Is there something specific your mind keeps returning to? Or a feeling that rises above the others?"

As V'dryn's hands moved like they were still trying to piece something together -- or maybe he was trying to pick off imaginary pieces stuck to his fingers -- he said, "Despair? That seems to be at the forefront. A sense of...nihilism? If death becomes our constant companion -- even moreso than usual -- why do we...fight? Or celebrate? Why do we do anything aside from give in?"

"Those are good questions; important questions. And, for better or worse, each person needs to find answers that are meaningful to them." J'nic took a sip of his drink, remembering other versions of this conversation he'd had in the past and thinking of what to share. "A few Turns ago, I had a mindhealing appointment with an older rider who was having trouble accepting that it was time for him to retire from the fighting wings. It took months, but he eventually found joy helping in the gardens and spending time with grandchildren. Many live for a lover, or family, or their Wing. Others focus on a craft, or their dragon."

"You know," he admitted with a smile, "part of the reason I joined the Weyrlingstaff was for selfish reasons. Seeing you all learn and grow, and being able to play a role in that, gives me a sense of purpose. Life is what you make of it. And, life is made up of small moments, so I try to celebrate every moment I can. So, V'dryn, even with everything terrible that has happened, what brings you joy right now?"

V'dryn's hands stilled. He looked down, thinking deeply. What _did_ bring him joy? The last few months of his life had been so focused on caring for Zhomoth that he had barely had a moment to think beyond that. But now that Zhomoth was nearly grown, and his time would be returned to him, what would bring him joy again?

"When I first came to the Weyr, it was such a shock to experience a culture living in the moment. The dancing, the parties, the sex," he outlined for J'nic. "It was a refreshing change. A reminder of the things they make us laugh, make life something more than our responsibilities." He looked up at the greenrider. "Now, I see those things as...ephemeral. Which almost makes them pointless. However...the moment I say that, I realize that that is the _point_ of some of those things."

"They are ephemeral, if you want them to be," J'nic said with a nod. "There are dragonriders who like to keep things that way as much as possible, and that's fine. But, from what you're saying, I wonder if you'd find it helpful to do something that feels more purposeful; or at least more long-lasting. Maybe a party, but with just a handful of people you want to develop closer relationships with. Or you and Zhomoth can make some plans for after you graduate; have something concrete to look forward to. In the next sevenday, I'd like to encourage you to plan one thing you think will make you happy."

"Purposeful?" V'dryn echoed. "I...may have something there." He explained how they had recently spoken with Searchriders about what it took and how he thought that Zhomoth might have potential there. "I was considering exploring that."

J'nic nodded encouragingly. "That sounds like a great place to start. You can be matched with a more experienced Searchrider the first few times, until you get the hang of it. Is there something in particular that interests you about being a Searchrider?"

That made V'dryn think for another moment. "Like we are giving back," he answered. "Mine was a life planned out for me. When a Searchrider offered me a chance as a Candidate, it felt..." He spread his hands open. "Like a possibility unfolding. If we can do that for others..."

"And you being holdbred brings you a perspective that could help you relate with hold or hallbred potential Candidates. Maybe you can help them understand what coming to the Weyr might feel like; reassure them." He smiled. "And it makes watching Hatchings more exciting when you're the one who Searched some of the Candidates."

The weyrling rider nodded thoughtfully. "Then, I suppose I go that route. And see where it takes us." It seemed far more hopeful a course to take than to despair about why live at all. "Thank you, sir. I appreciate your insight."

"Of course. Any time," J'nic said. "I look forward to hearing how it goes."

Last updated on the May 23rd 2025

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