A Reckoning
Dragonsfall Weyr
Amber Hills Hold
Vintner Hall
Healer Hall
Hidden Meadows
Dolphin Cove Weyr
Dolphin Hall
Emerald Falls Hold
Harper Hall
Printer Hall
Green Valley Hold
Leeward Lagoon Hold
Barrier Lake Weyr
Sunstone Seahold
Citrus Bay Hold
Writers: Yvonne
Date Posted: 31st March 2019
Characters: Alina
Description: Alina realizes what a mess she's made
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 10, day 14 of Turn 9
Notes: Follows 'Just Tell Me'
Mentioned: J'ackt, L'pin, Elana
She wasn't sure how she made it out of J'ackt's weyr or back to her own. Alina could barely hear the pad of her feet against stone over the roaring in her ears. As soon as she stepped foot inside her own weyr, whatever strength had brought her that far failed and an ugly sob wrenched itself loose. Alina put her hands to her mouth, horrified that someone other than Stumpy might hear. The canine leaped eagerly off her bed to greet her, his tail wagging so hard that his rear end waggled.
"Hi, hi." The greenrider put her hands out for him to lick. Her throat burned with unshed tears. She scratched his ears just long enough for the canine to calm down a little before staggering out onto the ledge where Imarith waited. The dragon was nothing more than a lump of shadow against the moon, but she crooned comfortingly as Alina collapsed against her side. Imarith drew her wing over Alina to shield her from the night as her rider began to silently cry.
She was tunnelsnake of a person. A stupid, Holdbred bovine. She hated that she'd begged, she hated that she'd been too scared and stupid to act when J'ackt had tried to court her months ago, hated that she'd hurt him and then crawled back like a stupid canine when he was hurt. She'd been careless. Nearly losing someone she cared about shook her; he could have died and things between them would never have been resolved. And it was her fault, her indecision. Her fear. He had every right to fling it all back at her. She hated herself.
}:No,:{ Imarith said softly in her mind. }:You are mine. You are perfect. Do not cry.:{
**I'm not.** Alina bit her knuckles to try to keep her sobs quiet. **I'm no good. I don't belong here. Why did you even pick me!?**
}:You are perfect,:{ Imarith replied. Distress was beginning to creep into the dragon's mindvoice. Alina had gotten good at blocking Imarith out when she needed to, and through the whole horrid conversation with J'ackt she'd managed to keep her emotions from blending with her dragon's. But it was so hard now. A sharp-edged mess of feelings had lodged in her chest and sunk bloody teeth into her heart.
But. Letting herself feel wasn't something she could do. She deserved to feel the way she did, but Imarith didn't. Alina let her mind fly back to L'pin's lessons, when Imairth was newly hatched and the Weyr was suddenly seen through a double set of eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. It had been so hard then, too. She'd been injured and scared and angry, and little Imarith felt everything along with her. It wasn't fair to Imarith then, and it wasn't fair to her dragon now. Slowly, Alina could feel Imarith's mind separate from her own until the green wasn't affected by her distress. Protecting Imarith from the toxic mess of emotions also had the effect of slowing her own tears. Alina pressed her cheek against Imarith's rough hide and let the musky-spicy scent of dragon wash over her.
**I messed up.** She pressed her cheek against Imarith's side and listened to her breathe. She gently turned over the conversation she'd had with J'ackt in her mind. He hadn't thrown her out entirely. He'd said that he was done doing things for her, not that he was done with her. 'Prove it to me,' he'd said.
Did she want him? He was crude, rude and ill tempered. He made her weak in the knees, and actually made her feel safe. She didn't have to watch what she said or did so closely when she was with J'ackt. It was so stupid, that being with him made her feel like maybe the Weyr wasn't so overwhelming. He was someone she felt like she could trust to shield her from the worst of it. Someone she could be herself with, even though 'herself' was often as ill tempered and cruel as he could be.
But the Weyr was a tricky place. People were shallow and flighty. J'ackt had made no promises, and had made it quite clear that he never would. He could take her to his bed and then abandon her after getting what he wanted. Alina closed her eyes. The mean little thought clawed at her insides. He could do that, and nobody would care. It would be her fault for feeling. He'd be the first man she'd taken to bed outside of a flight, and that _meant_ something to her, even though fidelity was a dirty word to weyrfolk. He could tire of her. Decide that he didn't like her anymore. Decide that he never did. Cut her loose if things grew difficult between them. It was easier than trying to work things out. And he knew enough about her to know that he could hurt her by doing it - and get revenge for what she'd done.
Trust was so fragile. Alina was friendly enough, but she didn't trust many weyrfolk. Perhaps four, J'ackt included. But she was so tired of being scared. Her mind flew back to her sister, to life before being Searched. It was easy growing up at Nadol Cothold; she knew what was expected of her. She knew how to impress the people around her. People admired her and her family loved her. Here, she had Imairth, and although she loved her dragon fiercely, Imairth couldn't fill the role of an entire community.
'Prove it to me.' Alina sniffed and wiped her eyes. Maybe it was a fool's task. Maybe it would turn out badly. But J'ackt had almost _died_... and so could she. There might not be much time left to do it, but the greenrider decided she would.
Last updated on the April 4th 2019