Feeling Unwanted

Writers: Avery
Date Posted: 13th November 2017

Characters: A'vel
Description: A'vel thinks about the complications of his family.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 2, day 6 of Turn 9

A'vel knew that his mother's birthingday was in three days, and he didn't
know what to do.

A'vel stared at the piece of blank paper before him, knowing he wanted to
put words on the page, but not sure how or where to start. He wanted to
reach out to his mother, to wish her a happy birthingday, to see if she'd
forgiven him yet for Impressing to Tsogath.

But he didn't know what words he should put on the paper. He didn't know
if she would want to hear from him anymore. And that cut at his heart.

His father had wanted A'vel to be "Faveron's boy", to be a model child
that the Master could show off as an example of his perfect life and
family. But because of the weight of those domineering expectations, he
had never felt close to his father.

His mother had loved him for who he was - her precious only child - and
had supported him in what he did. She'd kissed his cheeks and soothed away
his tears when the bullies hurt him. Or when he'd disappointed his father
by underperforming in one task or class or another. He'd been so attached
to her that he'd been accused of 'hiding behind her skirts' and other
uncomplimentary phrases, and yet he hadn't cared, because unlike his
father who only demanded, she supported.

He rarely found himself missing his father, instead mourning for the kind
of relationship they could have had, if Faveron hadn't been determined to
have a perfect prodigial copy of himself and not a real breathing child
with his own dreams and hopes and ambitious. But it was often that he
missed his mother.

And yet, A'vel had been too afraid to reach out to her again.

He remembered what it had been like the last time he'd seen her. It had
been at the Hatching where he'd Impressed to Tsogath. The one where his
father had stormed into the weyrlings' gathering point to scream at him to
give Tsogath back and Impress to something else or come back to the Hall.
The one where N'vanik and Cyradis had been forced to intervene before
things got even worse.

He'd seen his mother in the Stands before the eggs had cracked and she'd
looked excited for him. He'd looked up after he Impressed to Tsogath and
saw her with her face buried in her hands, not looking for him any longer.
And the last sight he'd had of her was of her walking away. She'd looked
back at him once with a tear-streaked face, and said nothing, turning to
lean against his father on their way out.

A'vel had sent a few tentative letters to his family during weyrlinghood.
They weren't begging them to resume contact with him or anything like
that. They were more short updates about training or about friends he was
making. Like "Today was my first flight. I wish you could have seen it.
Young dragons can be so clumsy in the air, compared to big ones".

He had hoped that they'd find something, anything to say about those
letters. That they would have asked for clarification about his classes,
or seemed interested in the stories he was trying to tell, like they had
been when he was Favelance the Harper Apprentice.

He knew that Harper tales for popular consumption glamorized riders and
downplayed the dangers of dying in training or in anything other than
heroic sacrifice against Thread. But the family had been with the Hall
when they were at the Weyr, and he knew that his mother at least knew how
dangerous it could be. He'd hoped that they would have been happy that he
survived weyrlinghood. That they might have sent him any sign that they
recognized it was an accomplishment.

He'd received no response to any of them.

The last letter he'd sent had been very simple: "I've graduated
weyrlinghood and have been hand-picked by the Weyrleader for his wing."

He had hoped that they'd respond to that one. That they'd be proud that he
was hand-chosen by the Weyrleader himself - surely _that_ would be
prestigious enough for them, given his father's concern for status. But no
response had come.

It was like his parents didn't care what happened to him.

Sometimes he wondered bitterly if they would have responded if the
Weyrlingmasters had written them a letter telling them he'd died. Maybe
they would have thought that was for the best, if something had happened
to him. Because then they wouldn't have to talk to him, or be confronted
with him.

A dead son was one who they could build up in some way, emphasizing the
dragonrider and tragedy part and downplaying the color he'd Impressed. A
live son on a green dragon was one who could come back to the Hall and the
Hold, and shame his father with the visible reminder of how imperfect he
was. How he'd never be the boy of Faveron's dreams.

Tsogath had been quiet while A'vel brooded, occupied by eying the feeding
pens and debating what she wanted to eat and also by flirting with a blue
dragon in their wing. But now the green sensed the dark way his thoughts
were trending, and she butted into his mind with a wave of warm feelings,
all love and support.

**I know you love me,** A'vel thought back in response to her wordless
affection and support. **I just miss them.**

}:You shouldn't think about them. They wanted to take me away,:{ Tsogath
said. She didn't remember that herself, but A'vel thought about it
sometimes, and when he did then she remembered what happened and got upset
about it.

**They never could have done it. They were wrong to think that,** A'vel
agreed. **But they're my _parents_ and I still miss them.**

}:But why do you miss them? Every time you think about them you feel
bad,:{ the green said.

**You would miss Panitath and Loseth if they were not here,** A'vel tried
to explain. But dragons saw things differently, and he sensed he wasn't
getting anywhere.

**I just want to try reaching out again. If she loves me, she'll respond.
If not....maybe I don't need them.**

And that was the core of it, in the end. He desperately wanted to go see
his mother. But he wouldn't go unless, he knew he'd be welcomed. If they
were determined to keep him out of their lives, even after almost a whole
Turn, then he would learn to stop thinking about them. To only care about
the family as a part of the Weyr, with his wingmates.

The letter would be a good way of setting things up to come to a
conclusion one way or the other. Now he just had to write it.

Last updated on the December 10th 2017

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Feeling Unwanted