Advice for the Frustrated

Writers: Heather, Miriah
Date Posted: 22nd April 2016

Characters: J'ackt, Saibra
Description: J'ackt gets his first taste of freedom, and goes to Dragonsfall to visit a familiar lady.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 5, day 6 of Turn 8
Notes: Mentioned: Alina, N'vanik, R'enh, Jerinne, Cyradis

J'ackt

Saibra

Frustrated by his feelings for Alina and frustrated by his own near
Turn of being cooped up in the Weyr, the moment J'ackt was released
for the wings, he made a break for it. Getting the visual for where he
wanted to go was easy; during his first free day, J'ackt left the Weyr
on his own for the first time. He reveled in the freedom, not
immediately going /between/ but letting Zith stretch his wings and
simply fly. When enough time elapsed and he was out of sight of the
Weyr, Zith blinked /between/.

They appeared over Dragonsfall and Zith announced himself to the
watchdragon on duty. Simply saying they were there for a visit, no
questions were asked. It was easy to find the Weyrwoman's office and
once close to it, his footfalls became silent. The door was open and
his quarry had her head down and seemed to be concentrating intently
on some bit of hidework.

With a smirk, he slipped in, moving silently, then slowly sat in one
of the chairs nearer to the door. "You look busy."

The sound of an all too familiar voice made Saibra's head snap up. It
had been some time since Saibra had seen J'ackt, what with his trouble
at Dolphin Cove, and her work as Weyrwoman at Dragonsfall. He looked
older, she thought, but the mischievous look in his blue eyes was the
same.

"And you, bronzerider, look like trouble." She sat back in her chair
and motioned for him to sit.

He rose from the chair and moved to sit across from her. With a slight
smirk, he immediately lifted his feet to prop them on the edge of her
desk. "That shouldn't surprise you, Saibra." He glanced at the desk
and his grin widened. "Nice desk." He tilted his head and waggled his
brows at her, then abruptly, his expression shifted, losing some of
the mischief within. "Missed having you around."

"I have missed being there." But she was finally coming to a place in
her life where she was finding things to enjoy about Dragonsfall. It
didn't seem so stark and boring any more. "What brings you by?" She
decided to ignore the tightening in her gut over his mention of her
desk- since it was a place they were both familiar with.

He shrugged. "Finally got clearance to /between/ the blazes out of
there. Been cooped up for nearly a Turn, decided I'd visit. " J'ackt
tilted his head. "Needed a fecking break, to be honest. No eyeballs
right over my shoulders."

Saibra understood that feeling. Before she had Impressed Chioneth
she'd had a wild streak of her own. In some ways she still did. "I
heard you were forced to see a mind healer."

He just stared at her for a moment before answering, his voice dry.
"Yeah. Still have to. Cyradis' rules to make sure my head isn't
permanently cracked. " He shrugged again. "Tell him what he wants to
hear and it goes just fine."

"Never been a fan of mind healers myself. I guess they serve their
purpose though." Saibra thought that J'ackt needed a mentor, rather
than a mind healer, but it wasn't her decision to make. "You hungry? I
can get a drudge to bring us up something." It was close to lunch
time, and her stomach was letting her know.

"I wouldn't say no to something to eat." His gaze flicked over her,
then back up to her face, teeth flashing. "But then, I heard that you
were setting up with R'enh. Seems like a good guy. Mostly."

Saibra smiled a little, "I wouldn't know if I would say 'setting up'
since I know I am not the only woman in R'enh's life, not by any
means," there was Aishara to consider, "but we are trying to have a
baby." This was the most exclusive she'd been since she had been
weyrmated to K'fel.

That made his brows pop up in surprise. Despite her being Saidrene's
mother, it was difficult for him now to see her as a mothering figure.
"Oh. Well..." He thought of Jerinne. Babies. Shards. Was everyone baby
crazy? "Good luck, I guess?" If she and R'enh were trying for a
child, then that meant no hanky panky for him; she wouldn't be on the
teas and thought of being a parent was horrifying. Besides that, his
libido had taken a hit from that fear. Well, that and he had the one
sharding girl on his mind that absolutely drove him crazy.

Every one of his thoughts, the surprise, the disappointment and the
frustration showed on his face.

"Sorry," she said, seeing the disappointment. "We will probably need
the luck, as well. I've been a dragonrider since I was fifteen and he
lives at a different Weyr." Saibra chuckled a little, although
inwardly she would admit that the random, spontaneous rendezvous with
R'enh were well worth it. "All I can offer is conversation and food."

He shrugged off his disappointment, forcing his frustration back.
"Well, I guess R'enh would be a good Da." He glanced up at her. "Did
Saidrene tell you about what was going on at Dolphin's Cove about me?"

"No," she didn't add that she and Saidrene didn't talk much, "what has
been going on?"

With bland words, he told her about Jerinne and the resulting fall
out. "And I was an utter and complete bastard to her." He finished,
without remorse. He rubbed his temple.

Saibra considered the tale. "Was she ever actually pregnant? She
sounds a little unstable." She understood some of J'ackt's
insecurities, especially about being a father, it was one of the
reasons she had encouraged Saidrene's abortion of the baby they had
conceived.

"I dunno. She said she was, then she wasn't." Unstable didn't even
begin to cover it. He shuddered. "Honestly..." He looked a bit
embarrassed. "It fecking freaked me out so badly that I've not been
with anyone since then." He closed his eyes and ran a hand through his
hair. "Just thinking about that happening again...well...it kills the
mood, so to speak."

That was understandable, she thought. "Just stick to people you know
will be responsible. Besides, fathering a child is always something
that will be a possibility for you, especially as a rider. You can't
control who Zith catches, after all."

And he'd be whershit for a father. Faranth, he just hoped that if
someone caught his child, they'd do the smart thing like Saidrene and
her mother had done. He had to admit that at first he'd been upset
with them both, but it hadn't taken long to realize that they were
perfectly right to do what they had done. He nodded his agreement,
then his mind found something else to brood on. "Saibra...how much do
you know about Holders? I know the bad stuff, but not the day to day
stuff."

"I know a fair bit, I guess. When I was a junior Weyrwoman one of my
tasks was maintaining Hold relations. Why?" she asked.

"There's this girl..." He huffed and then ran his hand over his face,
frustrated as to how to continue. "She's the most infuriating girl
I've ever met. She's a rider, but she's clinging to hard to how she
was raised that I just want to shake her sometimes. "He lifted his
hands to mime grabbing shoulders. "She's stubborn and opinionated and
can damn well be a shaffing bitch sometimes, but she's so lonely and
she's stuck on how things should go in a hold..." he rose and started
pacing as he continued. "...she doesn't let anyone really close to
her. "His frustration grew. "She went to her first mating flight
untried and I hate that it happened that way. I don't know what the
feck she's waiting for or wanting and she won't say. Shards, what do
they teach those girls?" He threw up his hands, venting.

Saibra tried to mask her smile. She'd never seen J'ackt so wound up,
over a girl of all things. Normally his baby blue-eyes got him what he
wanted when it came to females, especially those close to his age.

"Well, they're taught that having sex outside of marriage is wrong,
for one. They base the value of their daughters on their virginity so
that she'll fetch a good husband. Hold girls are taught that there are
certain qualities to a 'good man' that they should look for.... Such
as manners, keeping a civil tongue, keeping his sexual encounters
limited to his wife. Although that last one makes me laugh. So many
Lord Holders are known to have mistresses on the side that everyone
knows about."

"That's stupid." He blurted out and continued pacing. "How can they
even be sure? Shards, we lie." He had done so several times. "She's
not in a fecking hold now. She can't have that. She hated the mating
flight and I can't help her... " He glanced at Saibra and then scowled
at the mirth in her face. "It's not funny."

She hid her face behind her hand for a moment, but then dropped it and
managed to emerge with a straighter face. "This problem frustrates you
because you can't run your sword through it or punch it in the face,
doesn't it?"

He huffed. "It'd be easier if I could," he muttered and then ran a
hand through his hair. "I don't know a thing about hold girls except
what I've seen. I've only ever been with weyrbred girls. She's the all
or nothing type, but the thought of someone else...." He growled and began
to pace again. "It's just fecking stupid."

"How does she feel about you?" she asked.

His shoulders tensed. "Saidrene says she likes me. But I've kissed her
twice and each time she's run the feck away." J'ackt's jaw set. "But
I'm not about to hurt her like I did Saidrene. Saidrene's my best
friend _now_ but it took a lot to get there. I just..." He flopped
back down in the chair. "Feck it all, I don't even know."

Saibra wondered what part her daughter played in all of this. "Well,
you can't just kiss a Hold girl out of the blue. You're going to have
to go slower than that, work up to it, and then, if she's the real
shy, buttoned-up type, probably _ask_ her. It all sounds crazy, but if
you like her so much, what would it hurt to try? You're not sleeping
with anyone right now, so tell her you'll be exclusive, if you think
you can."

He huffed. "She's the type that wants the Weyrmating and kids and all
that. You know...all that holder crap. I'm not ever going to be that
guy, Saibra. You know that." He scowled down at hands. "Besides, I
like being with Saidrene from time to time." He just hadn't been
lately, but he'd noticed she'd been eyeing N'vanik. He wondered if he
should give the Weyrleader a nudge Saidrene's way. "She's fun and
relaxing to be around. Alina's just frustrating."

"As long as you're determined not to change and she's not going to
change, then you'll need to give her up or stay frustrated."

She was at the weyr. Why should he have to change? He made an internal
grumble and it showed on his face. He shifted and rubbed at an eye.
"So...do you think...If I decided to really try it, should I do it the
Holder way? Don't they have to ask parents permission or some rot like
that?"

"Yes, usually. But fair warning, if she's from a real hidebound Hold,
they won't even like you being there, and they certainly won't give
permission. Seeing as how you've gotten quite the reputation with the
Holds... I'd steer clear of that." Saibra advised.

"There is that." He sighed. "What would you do?"

"Be honest with her, have a conversation, one where you don't fuss
with her. Tell her you want a relationship, and you're willing to try
if she is. That's all you can do right? The rest would be up to her."

He appeared to shrink in his seat with discomfort. It sounded almost
cheesy and he had the sinking feeling that it wouldn't go as smoothly.
His conversations with Alina never seemed to go that easily.
"Uh...right."

Saibra grinned a little, propping her chin in her fingers. "What are
you going to tell Saidrene?"

His brows rose. "I don't even know if I'm gonna doing anything." He
pointed out. "And if I didn't tell Saidrene anything before I tried
with Alina, she'd have my balls over my head before I could blink.
Alina's her friend and I'm not going to sneak around. "

"Well, for what it's worth, good luck with whatever you choose."

He gave an audible grumble and another shrug. "It's probably a stupid
idea anyway."

Last updated on the April 27th 2016

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Advice for the Frustrated