No Regrets or Maybe Some

Writers: Devin, Chelle
Date Posted: 7th January 2015

Characters: Rhosyn, N'vanik
Description: The two of them speak at the Hatching after many months.
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 10, day 15 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: Talryne, Janani, R'enh, Nisheyl, Briata, Solieira, Reeva,
Traelyn, Lenala; Follows I Challenge You

N'vanik

N'vanik made his way over to the River Bluff Weyrwoman. "Congratulations,"
he said with a smile. "I know how much you wanted this."

For just a moment, she hesitated. It was the first time she'd heard his
voice since that day-the first time she'd had to speak to him. Inside, she was
twisted in knots-torn between telling him how much she missed him and wanting to
avoid this whole encounter. But she was who she was and Rhosyn didn't back down,
though she was wary. "Thank you Weyrleader. It's a good day for River Bluff,
indeed."

"No need to be so formal. I know things didn't end well, but we're not
strangers." He tried to make it sound gentle. N'vanik hoped they could
salvage a friendship, even if it took time to get there.

The formality was the only thing keeping her from losing it in front of all
those people. All those months of dealing with the pregnancy alone and then
dealing with the inability to mother alone and wanting him so badly she could
scream was right behind the surface. In her mind, she saw Talryne. She saw a
future that would never happen. **Can't tell him any of it. Can't. He just turned
and left. No yelling..nothing.** "But we are. It's been four months and we haven't spoken
to each other at all." She knew why she couldn't talk to him or go to him, but
thinking about why he didn't want to see her was something else. She said it quietly,
knowing others were listening.

"I didn't know how you might be feeling. I wanted to give you...
space." Really he'd been avoiding her because he didn't know what to
say or how to react. This Hatching was the best excuse he'd had to
talk to her. Part of him had hoped she'd be around when he came to
visit Nisha but that hadn't happened yet.

"That was always the problem-all the space. The continent between us, the
Weyrs between us, and the people between us. Too much space." She didn't
want to get into it right then, though, so she became quiet again. When he'd
never come back-that spoke volumes. R'enh was right. She always wanted more
than he could ever give her. "To be perfectly honest, I don't think I'll
ever be ready to talk to you again without formality or people around. At least not for a
long while."

"Fair enough." It hurt and he could tell it hurt her worse. He hadn't
meant to cause her pain but it was just the way things had turned out.
N'vanik couldn't give his heart to someone that kept him at a
distance. "The only space I couldn't handle was the wall you kept
between us. But that's just who you are. I hope you let someone in,
someday. It's worth it." Tal had showed him that.

"I held back because I always knew that Talryne was there. And she is even
now. I would never take her place, N'vanik. Between the two of us, you would
always choose her. So I made the choice for you." And that was all she could
say on the matter. "I wish you every happiness. Maybe someday I'll find mine."

**Blame this on Tal? You coward.** If that was what she told herself
to justify it, so be it. Time to change the subject. "Congratulations,
again. The new girl hears dragons, doesn't she?"

"She does. She's young, though. And she was trader raised, not weyrbred. So
we'll see how she adjusts and if she can manage." Faranth knew Rhosyn didn't
need another Lenala. "She's needed, however, so she'll have to." Looking
across the room, she saw Briata holding Nisheyl and wondered what it might have
been like had the other HAD Impressed instead.

N'vanik followed her gaze. "I know how much you wanted Briata to
Stand, but it looks like things worked out. Just not quite how you
expected."

"Nothing ever works out how I expected." And just then she made a decision.
Better to do it now with people there. Turning back to him, her hazel eyes
closed for a moment and then they opened. "Truth is-I love you. I love you so much.
I loved you so much that I risked Orlaith to have our daughter. And she is my life.
The only thing that is just mine and who has always loved me in return no matter what
I did."

"When I was pregnant, you had duties to manage. I get it. But I was scared
the entire time and most of the time I was alone. Solieira-sure. Briata tried.
Then after, I was so screwed up I had to see Reeva. I couldn't..." She sighed and pulled
back her shoulders. "I needed someone here. You can't be. As long as you are
there you can't be. And yes, maybe I am selfish that I don't want to share like most
of the women in the Weyr. Before, it didn't matter. You...Maybe I am screwed up. I
don't know. R'enh said it was okay though to want something for myself." Her tone
wasn't angry. It wasn't pleading. Rhosyn was resigned. All those months of holding
it in and lying in that weyr alone. Shrugging, she downed a glass of wine in two
gulps.

N'vanik didn't know what to say to all that. It was a lot to take in
all at once. Clearly Rhosyn had been holding all this in for a long
time. "You shouldn't need someone to tell you that. And no, I can't be
here all the time. I couldn't. And if that's what you need then I hope
you find it." He took a breath. "I could have given you more. I
_would_ have, but I was too afraid you didn't care. I've been down
that road and it hurts too much." He'd loved Traelyn but she'd been
far too wrapped up in herself.

"Thank you for Nisha," He told her. "I love her and she means so much
to me. I wish I would've done more to help and I will _always_ be
grateful for her."

"And I don't know if you'll ever get over that." He had accused her of
always keeping things in, but he'd never offered her everything either,
holding back. "I hope so." Realizing the glass was empty, she frowned.
"She'll always be more yours than mine, but that's okay too."

"I have to go and see to the other guests, but I hope you have a good time
tonight." She rose up on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek before turning to
disappear into the crowd. That night, when he had walked away, was still in
her mind. He'd left her just like the others had left him. He hadn't stayed.
**If only I had waited and come to Dolphin Cove instead of Janani**
Adding that to her list of regrets, Rhosyn turned towards her future.

He watched her go. She wanted more from him than he could give, and he
supposed he wanted more than she could give, too. N'vanik wished
things could've been different, but he couldn't say that he had any
regrets for what they'd shared. And there was Nisha. They'd made
something beautiful together.

**I hope you find happiness, Rhosyn. I really do.**

Last updated on the January 10th 2015

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No Regrets or Maybe Some