Side Effects

Writers: Chelle
Date Posted: 2nd August 2014

Characters: Rhosyn
Description: Rhosyn discovers something she never thought of.
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 8, day 10 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: Reeva, K'sedel, N'vanik

It had been a sevenday or so since her meeting with Reeva and she had gotten
enough rest to think clearly. That meant Rhosyn had time to sneak around and
speak with some other healers to find out what was really going on without
intimating that it was her with the problem. What she was told was not comforting
at all.

**I have a mental problem?** That was damaging. That was something she did
not want. She thought of Traelyn and immediately became uncomfortable. **Am I
like her? Will I be like her?** She couldn't. She would never do anything like
_that_. The thought of losing Orlaith at all was enough to scare her witless.
**The Weyr needs me.** Closing her eyes, she thought about what they had said,
trying to quell the panic that had risen up.

'Sometimes after having a child, the mother just doesn't connect. They get
depressed and don't sleep. They don't act like a mother should.'

'Irritation is a normal symptom as well as not eating. Sometimes they do
strange things and keep to themselves. Most women recover but sometimes,
they never get better. It happens more often than you'd think. Usually for
the single girls with their first children.'

That was her. Had Reeva known it all along? Sitting there, in her chair, the
Weyrwoman looked around her weyr. As usual, it was empty. All of her friends
were in another Weyr. She didn't even know her own daughter. She didn't want
to go visit her. **You are a bad mother. You always knew you would be, though.**
Frowning, she leaned back and wished she understood why it was happening to her.
She didn't feel like herself. She wasn't happy. She didn't want to be around others.

The fun-loving redhead was gone. In her place was a person she didn't like.
And this person was lonely, unable to reach out. "I don't know what to do. I
don't know what to say. I..." Her eyes glanced everywhere to make sure no one
would see her. Then she cried. An indulgence this Weyrwoman never took, it was
strange to her. Compelled to do it but hating herself for it, she tried to breathe
more evenly. "I don't want to be like her. Ever. I don't want to be this. I don't!"
Lurching to her feet, she made her way over to the wall and leaned against it for
support. Closing her eyes and feeling the tears run, she felt every piece
of herself breaking apart.

N'vanik had taken the last piece of that laughing woman she had been before.
Nisheyl had taken some before that. Was there any left for her?

}:Why are you so sad?:{ The voice was that of her heart and her one happiness in this life.
**I don't know, Orlaith. I don't know.**
}:I do not know either but I feel you hurting and it makes me hurt with you:{
**I am trying to fix it. Reeva will fix it. I trust her.**
}:I will give you my strength. I love you always. Please do not cry:{ The sorrow
and concern in her dragon's voice was almost her complete undoing. She felt like
she was failing her queen. She was failing her Weyr. They needed a strong
Weyrwoman-not someone who was pushing herself just to get out of bed.

**I can't tell K'sedel though. No. He has enough to worry about and what if
he thinks there's something really wrong with me? What if they try
to take me away like Traelyn?** That horrified her. She would not leave her
home. Never. She'd die first. And she would shame everyone for being
so weak. **No, Reeva and I can fix this. We can. She said it was fairly
normal. So other women have gotten over it.** That thought was her lifesaver,
the only thing keeping her from giving up besides her queen and her folk.
For them, she was keeping this quiet. If anyone found out besides Reeva
and it got out-there would be rumors of the crazy Weyrwoman. Her authority
would be undermined. The Lord Holders wouldn't respect her. It could
even be worse. No, no one would take her rightly earned position from her
and she would not bring that on her Weyr. The whispers....

**I want him**
}:I know you do. Why do you not go to him?:{ Not understanding humans and
their problems, Orlaith suggested a simple solution.
**He doesn't want me, dear heart. I have to stop. I have to take back
myself, find myself, be the me I was before. It's not healthy.**
}:He's a fool for not wanting you. You are the best and strongest rider on
Pern. This is why I chose you. We will not fail my Rhosyn. We have done so
much despite the hard things. What is this but one more?:{ From her couch, she
rose and came as far as she could, her head resting above the entry chamber,
searching. }:Do not doubt yourself and do not doubt me:{

How could she argue with that logic? Instead of more words, she let
Orlaith's love circle her and push through her sadness. She lost herself in
her dragon, grabbing onto her confidence when she felt so lost. Orlaith was her
grounding, always. She had to remember that. Because if she didn't remember
her own worth, she would stop fighting. And Rhosyn had always been a fighter.
Pulling herself out of it, she reached for the draught Reeva had given her.
Hopefully it would help make her better. It had to.

Last updated on the August 17th 2014

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Side Effects