"Where do we go from here?"

Writers: AL, Heather
Date Posted: 11th August 2014

Characters: Barenziah, Zathris
Description: The two try to figure out what they mean to each other and where to go next.
Location: Amber Hills Hold
Date: month 8, day 17 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: Benani

Barenziah

Zathris

Barenziah wasn't sure what to say to Zathris as they began putting
their clothes on and preparing to leave the small hunting shack in the
grove. She remembered how he had behaved after the first time they
kissed and she hoped that she would not have to endure his cold
shoulder when they returned. There were a million questions running
through her mind. What now? Where did they go from here? Were they
going to call this a one-time "accident"? Could they let it happen
again? What about Benani? And the list went on and on.

She tugged her bodice into place, adjusting the laces on it before she
bent and swept up her thick winter cloak which she quickly tied about
her neck.

"Berry." Zathris had his trousers on, but he teased his tunic between
his fingers. An awkward silence settled between them and it was
almost as bad as when they hadn't been speaking for a couple of days.
He didn't want to go through that again. He didn't want to put more
distance between them, even after...

"Yes?" She raised her eyes to look at Zathris. Her worst fear was that
there would be regret in his voice, or in his eyes, or that he would
try to apologize. It had been the best moment of Barenziah's life and
she didn't want anything to tarnish it.

"Tell me what you're feeling." Did she hate him? Did she regret?
Part of him did, and yet part of him didn't. He'd been without for so
long, and shards, Barenziah was attractive. It was more than just
physical. Yes, she was beautiful, but there was more to her than just
that. She was smart, funny, independent. She didn't let anyone
dictate her life for her. She had a lot of qualities that had
attracted him to Benani...before....before...no. He couldn't think
about that right now. He'd think about that later, beat himself up
later. For now, he needed to focus on her.

"I am not sorry, if that is what you are wondering." Barenziah said
her head tilted to the side as she began braiding her long, flaming
red hair. She was grateful for the fire that Zathris had built and she
dreaded when they would have to leave the warmth of the shack.

Zathris ran a hand over his face and stuck it through the armhole of
his shirt. "I don't want to hurt you." It was true. He didn't want
to hurt her or Benani. He loved Benani, and that would never, ever
change. Yet, he'd come to care about this woman who had appeared in
his life and now he wanted her too. He...shaffit...

"But?" She said softly. He didn't want to hurt her but.... He had to
right? There was a certain person that stood between them that they
would never be able to work around. Benani.

"I want to know what you want to do." He knew what he wanted. He
couldn't have Benani, did he have to give up Barenziah too? Could he
have both? Zathris had never considered himself that sort of a man,
to hang on to two women. Then again, he'd never had two women as
special as Benani and Berry at the same time.

Barenziah furrowed her eyebrows. Was he being evasive? Making her say
it so he would not have to?

"What I want to do and what has to be done are two different things."
She was a realist about the situation. Zathris had a wife, a sick wife
at that, and the last thing Benani needed was finding out her husband
was having an affair. Despite it all, Barenziah did not want to hurt
her Lady.

He shouldn't want her, but he did. He wanted her almost as much as he
wanted Benani. He needed her. Right now, she was the only thing that
was helping him cling to his last shred of sanity in the madness that
was his life. He tugged his tunic over his head, then crossed over, a
finger trailing down her cheek. "I want you, Berry. I don't know how
long I get to have you but I_need_ you right now. I just don't want
to hurt you. If you don't want this, then say so right now and I'll
never ask, never expect, and curb my desires." It was mistake and
Zathris was making it worse, but no matter how hard he tried, he
couldn't turn away.

"You want me? Or you want what we just did?" Barenziah asked, looking
up into his eyes. Was he just a man looking to scratch an itch or did
he share her feelings at all?

"I will be honest with you. I want both." Zathris' body had almost
quaked with the need as he and Barenziah had come together. Yet,
there was something far more than physical between them. "But if I
had to choose, I'd forgo what we did just to have you. Even if it's
just for a little while."

Barenziah closed the gap between them with a sigh, her arms going
around his waist as her cheek rested against his tunic. Why did things
have to be so complicated? Couldn't she have fallen for an unmarried
man? "You are more to me than just The Lord Holder, I hope you know
that."

"I should hope so." And she more to him. Zathris enveloped her with
his arms and rested his chin atop her head. He couldn't let go of
Benani, but he didn't want to let go of Barenziah either. She'd been
a rock when the storm had hit and without her he might have washed
away. His hold tightened. He wasn't his father. Ethris had never
felt much for his wives and even his mistress was more to satiate his
desires and a token than a woman for whom he cared. Zathris had never
wanted to be like him.

He'd just never counted on falling for another woman. He'd never
understood how someone could love more than one person in the same way
- until now. Now he had two, and he wanted to treasure them both.
Benani would never understand. Even before her traumatic experience
that had forced her into a descent of madness, she would have never
accepted it._He_ would have never accepted it. Until now. Until
Barenziah. For the first time in his life, he'd been unfaithful, and
yet he hadn't lost any love for Benani. The act hadn't been done just
to satiate a burning desire, though that had certainly been done. It
had been done because he'd come to care deeply for another woman - as
much as he did Benani.

That thought struck him like icy water thrown in his face. It hadn't
been planned. He hadn't meant to, and there was no less for Benani.
He had just grown to love more - and extended that to someone else.
Zathris pulled away to hold Barenziah at arms length so his eyes could
study his face. Then he cupped her chin and whispered, "I love you."

Tears sprang to Barenziah's eyes. She was torn in a state of
bittersweet feelings. She had waited twenty-eight Turns to hear those
words said to her by a man that really meant them. Now here he was,
the perfect man, but.... Knowing that he really did love her would
make it that much harder when their little fantasy ended- for it could
not last, that she knew with certainty. Secrets could only be kept
secret for a short amount of time at the Hold. Being a man, the Hold
wouldn't treat Zathris very differently at all when they found out but
Barenziah knew she would become a scorned woman- a social pariah.
Ruined.

But she didn't feel ruined. She felt more alive and whole than she
ever had before. "I love you too, Zathris."

Last updated on the August 12th 2014

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"Where do we go from here?"