The First Step is the Hardest

Writers: Clancey, Paula
Date Posted: 12th April 2014

Characters: Corowal, Felyna
Description: Corowal and Felyna start down a path.. but neither knows where it goes.
Location: Emerald Falls Hold
Date: month 3, day 17 of Turn 7
Notes: SERIOUSLY backdated. But its important to their story and needs to
be posted. We found it hiding out in our inboxes, finished a long time
ago.
Mentioned: L'cor, Erassa, Sarban

Felyna

She had not slept beside her husband for months. Not since that .. day.
They had managed to make it through Arippa and Reven's wedding without
another public incident but since then, she had banned him from her bed.
She still cared for him and she had, as a result, actually spent more time
with the children.

She wasn't sure what they thought, or knew. She knew they adored Erassa,
but found herself uncertain how they felt about _her_.

In some ways, Corowal's children were a balm to her empty arms. In some
ways, they just reminded her of what she had failed to give him. In her
mind, while he had failed in his side of the bargain by taking his feelings
for Erassa public, she had also failed in her side - giving him children.

Over the months, some of the coldness had thawed because she still cared
for him and saw their little son in the lines of his cheek.

But then she had heard of L'cor's visit... and met him.

A slight frown crossed her face as she headed toward Corowal's office. It
was late, after dinner at least, and Corowal working was not unusual.
Especially given their... predicament. The visit yesterday by the
dragonriders had stirred their family for the rest of the evening. Lots of
smiles all around, even one between Felyna herself and her husband.

Sure he hadn't eaten, she had stopped and picked up some snacks for him
from the kitchen.

She knocked once, shifted the tray, then let herself into his office. She
had no idea if her habit of just barging in on him annoyed him, but she did
it anyway.

Instead of hello, though, the words that slipped out were, "He looks _just_
like you."

"Who? What?" Corowal had been engrossed with his work to a degree he hadn't
noticed her coming and almost jumped out of his skin. "Ah, Felyna," he
looked his wife. There was a distance between them and it saddened him. Of
course, Erassa wasn't happy with him either, so both women in his life had
been giving him a cold treatment.

A small smile curved across her face, a faint hint of _something_ in her
eyes. "The healer I've been sleeping with, husband." She rolled her eyes
lightly to show the joke. "L'cor, of course. Who else would I mean? I've
seen the portraits of the young man, young scamp, you used to be. He is
you come again." She moved toward his desk, taking in the sight of him up
to his elbows in work. A soft sigh escaped without her conscious control.
Unusual. Where had she gone wrong with him? Where? Stupid to like your
husband, never mind love him.

"I brought you something to eat, Corowal. And to see how you were coping
with suddenly having a nearly grown son a bronzerider. You knew about
him, though, didn't you?" She added, almost as an afterthought. She set
the tray down on a semi-empty part of his desk, and wandered away again to
pour him something to drink.

It had been a while since she'd visited him this way, bringing him
something to eat. She had done it often at one time. She wasn't really
sure why she was here tonight. Not really.

"Thank you," Corowal said and moved some hides away from the food tray. He
looked Felyna gravely before answering her. "Yes, I knew, since before he
was born. I supported him and his mother in secret whole of his childhood
and arranged him a job as assitant steward in Green Valley. Even Sarban
didn't know."

"Nicely done, husband." She shook her head in awe of his mind for a
moment, unable to stop the almost proud smile that curved across her face.

"He looks so much like you when you were young, and he Impressed a bronze.
You must be proud." She tilted her head sideways and had to forcibly
restrain herself from going to sit on the corner of his desk, as was her
habit. "Its quite scandalous, really. But one I think that is dwarfed
by the other scandals in our lives." She smiled lightly, a bit ruefully.

"I just wanted to tell you that I was happy to meet him... " She looked
away from his handsome face, struggling for words. It hadn't used to be
so hard to talk to him. But that was when she had trusted him.

"And I will make no trouble for him, or for you. Having a bronzerider in
the family will be useful, in my opinion." There. She had said "the
family" like they were still one.

Were they? She didn't know. Maybe Corowal knew.

"I am proud of him. Now the Lord of the Beryl Hills isn't the only one who
can brag having a bronzerider son," Corowal admitted. "Honestly, if he had
_not_ Impressed a dragon, I would have never acknowledged him officially.
Now, he's not a threat to my legitimate children." Corowal knew he was
ruthless and calculating and didn't try to hide it from his wife. It was
better if she knew exactly who she was dealing with. He was quite capable
of loving and caring of people, but the opposite was also true. He would
not hesitate to remove a threat to his family.

"People of this hold are quite used to scandals by now. I admit I treated
both you and Erassa horribly during the Turn Over Ball. I've been
regretting it ever since," Corowal said. He was not going to offer any
excuses or explanations. It had just happened. "I like to think I am a good
Lord holder and a good father, but as a husband..." he shrugged eloquently.
"I fail. Always. Seems like I just can't stay true to a one woman." He
reached out to take her hand to his.
"I didn't want to hurt you and yet I did."

Of course he had been regretting it; she had stopped sleeping with him.

She let him take her hand for a moment, listening to his "explanation".
Which was really more than she had expected. It was the first time they'd
touched much at all since Turnover. "Corowal, you are missing the point
entirely. Yes, you did hurt me. I didn't have the luxury of falling in
love with you, but I did it anyway. A foolish error on my part." Her own
eloquent shrug echoed his. "And it hurts that one woman... that _I_ am
not enough for you. But that is not what angered me the most. I would
have shared you with Erassa if that is what it took to make you happy, to
make our marriage work. But what I _can't_ do is have the entire Hold
know that I am not enough for you. It makes me the object of pity or
misunderstanding and I cannot stand either of those things."

She held onto his hand for a moment longer, then traced his cheek with her
fingers, looking at him.

"Look at me, husband. I am smart, beautiful, as calculating as you, and
willing to go to great lengths to make you happy. I failed at giving you
a son....." Her voice wavered when she said 'son'. "... and I miss him
everyday. But there is nothing else here that would not be enough for you.
Perhaps you love us both." Her smile was faint." Saying you 'fail' at
being a husband is a lazy way out. Have you tried? I mean, really tried?
I choose to be your wife. I choose to be a good wife. You're capable of
whatever you wish, you know."

She leaned forward and kissed him softly. It wasn't a complete mending,
but she offered up something. A hope, faint, that eventually it would be
mended and the Hold would stop the chattering and the pitying looks. She
couldn't stand that, though she never let it show to anyone. To the rest
of the Hold, she appeared as happy as she ever had been.

"You didn't fail to give me a son, it's not your fault he died," Corowal's
voice sounded choked for a briefest of moments.
"Perhaps I could be _trying_ bit harder," he said after the kiss.

She fell silent, hearing the tone of his voice. She was glad he didn't
view it as her fault. Her hand clenched the locket at her throat again,
remembering his perfect face. Perhaps one day she'd get another chance to
bear him a son. Perhaps.

Finally, she smiled. A full on, warm, loving smile such as he hadn't seen
in months.

"Only if you want to, my husband. Otherwise, it will be no fun at all. I
am not going anywhere, it appears. Examine your heart and see where it
lies. I know you care for Erassa deeply. But ... I will be here." She
placed another sweet kiss, this one to his cheek but warm.

Corowal gave her a quizzical look. "You're amazing woman, Felyna." There
was something strange in his tone.

She only smiled, almost mysteriously, as if she knew something he did not.

"That _is_ why you married me. You should start to believe it by now."
She was not ready to sleep beside him yet, not tonight. But if he
responded to this, he would respond to her inviting him back into her bed,
too. "Eat, husband. I'll be waiting at home." If he realized what a
treasure he had in his wife, perhaps she could finally keep his eyes ...and
his heart... from straying. And she could make him enjoy every minute of
it along the way.

Last updated on the May 4th 2014

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The First Step is the Hardest