Unable to Focus

Writers: Avery
Date Posted: 11th February 2014

Characters: Riveenata, Veneena
Description: Riven suffers from weighty thoughts before a Threadfall.
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 5, day 23 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: K'mai, F'lin, K'dee, M'galec

Dawn was breaking over the horizon, coloring it in strong shades of
pink. It was all too easy to interpret the pink as red, and she bit
her lips at the thought. It was inauspicious. The day wasn't even
fully begun, and already Riveenata wanted it to be over.

She was always nervous before a Threadfall, as she suspected most weyr
residents were, whether or not they were riders. Those days, she had
to fight not to think about how many of the people she saw on a
routine basis, the people she'd eaten with and walked along the lake
with and talked to or had _treated_ in the Infirmary, were
dragonriders and going to risk their lives today. Her dreams had been
rough, full of images of people she knew, damaged. She had seen K'mai,
his handsome face marred with exposed torn-away flesh and stained with
char. F'lin, bellowing his dragon's name and with his back seared
open.

She needed to escape those thoughts, so she started heading for the
Dining Cavern. She would need breakfast before tending the wounded,
even if she didn't feel like she wanted it now. Along the way, she
nodded at a bluerider who she'd slept with on the most recent restday,
only to find herself wondering if she'd see him on an Infirmary bed in
a few candlemarks.

She shook her head slightly, trying to will out the thoughts. There
was no need to worry now, no need to wonder which of her friends and
acquaintances would be hurt or maimed. If she worked herself into
agitation now, she would perform at less than peak efficiency, and
that would mean the risk of lives. She couldn't afford to think about
it.

She peeked into the kitchens when she arrived for her meal, when she
saw her sister was hard at work. "Fresh bread will be out in just a
few," Veneena said immediately. "Go get klah and start drinking it.
I'll bring you a plate."

"Thanks, Ven," she said. Sometimes it was handy to have a sibling in
the kitchens.

She skipped the klah in favor of peppermint tea. It soothed her
stomach when she felt sick, but it just plain tasted good too. She put
them into the mug and sat it down to let it brew. As the scent filled
her nostrils, she closed her eyes and tried to calm herself. She
wasn't sure why she was so nervous before this particular Threadfall.
Normally she was able to put aside her worries and just do her job.
The worry, the grief, those were for after the battle.

She'd felt such nerves before, the first few times that she had
treated Threadfall wounds as an Apprentice, because no one had been
expecting Fall, no one had seen anything like. Her Masters and
Journeymen who were supposed to understand healing - sometimes even
they hadn't know how to treat some of the damage that Threadscore had
caused. Of course they'd learned how to deal with it, but it had taken
time. And she'd always felt nervous during major incidents, like the
time Dolphin Cove had needed to call healers after a miscalculation by
the Weyrleader at the time. How many Turns ago had that been? She'd
been an apprentice then still...

Becoming a Journeyman had been an honor at first, but then it had been
terrifying, realizing that the responsibility was on her. Suddenly,
she wasn't under anyone else's supervision, so responsibility for
injuries and treatment was suddenly more on her, and she wasn't just
being ordered what to do. And there had been that horrid misadventure
with the appendix, where M'galec had chastened her thoroughly. One
time, after she'd lost a patient, she'd considered throwing away her
knots and telling the Weyrhealer she was done as a Healer, that she'd
find another thing to take up to be useful for the Weyr. Fortunately,
she'd never actually done it. But oh, she'd been tempted...

So why was the inability to sleep, the nightmares of losing her
friends, so overwhelming this time? Maybe it was just part of a
general sense of dissatisfaction, because Riven had been feeling angry
at everything for the last few days.

It wasn't like she should be unhappy. She had had a good life so far,
born at River Bluff Weyr and spent her whole life there. It wasn't as
though she'd ever had to worry about being forced into an arranged
marriage, or denied the opportunity to become whatever she wanted.
She'd been able to take up the Healercraft as soon as she was of age.
She had chosen the Healer's Craft as a way to help and protect others,
because even before she apprenticed she had been the one her friends
had confided in when they were upset, and she had tried to make them
feel better.

The joy she felt when she helped someone else had led her to make it
her life. But lately she didn't feel joy in her work, no pride when
she fixed the problem someone had with their bodies. She felt like she
was going through the motions, like her brain was wrapped in fog, and
every time she thought about going to work, she wanted to scream. She
just wanted to lie on the beach all day.

Riven had backed away from being a Candidate. She had considered
quitting her Craft more than once. Maybe she just wasn't meant to be
happy in her work.

Ven sat down next to her, bringing a plate of steaming food. "You look
glummer than usual."

Riven examined her hands as she spoke. "I'm not sure I'm cut out for
being a Healer anymore."

Ven had heard Riven express her doubts before, but she was surprised
when her sister voiced them now. "But you're good at it! You're
helping plenty of people. Like what's his name, that cute bronzer..."

"K'dee?"

"Yeah," Ven said with an enthusiastic nod. She leaned forward and took
her sister's hand. "Your work is critical to keeping the Weyr running.
Doesn't it make you happy?"

"Those are entirely different things!" Riven nearly yelled. "It can be
important, but not something you want to do. You can be good at it,
but still hate it. Like all those Hold women, bearing all those
children. They're good at it, but do they like it? They come here all
the time."

Ven flinched at Riven's words and sharp tone. "What's gotten into you
today?" she asked.

"Nothing." Riven pushed the plate away. "I'm not hungry anymore." She
needed to get out of there - suddenly there was too much stone, not
enough air, and the rising panic made her feel trapped.

"Where are you going?" her sister asked as she stood.

"Outside. Threadfall isn't till the afternoon, I have time to burn," she said.

"Riven, if you need to talk..." her sister started.

"I don't. Please." She scurried out the cavern, nearly knocking over a
drudge on the way. She didn't slow down until she was outside, and
then she headed for the river. She would sit on the bank and watch the
water flow. Maybe then she'd be focused enough to do her job properly.

Last updated on the March 7th 2014

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Unable to Focus