Around In Circles (2 of 4)

Writers: AL, Ames
Date Posted: 20th September 2013

Characters: T'nom, Meledei
Description: Meledei and T'nom try to work things out.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 2, day 21 of Turn 7

T'nom

He sighed, trying to decide what he wanted to say to her. "I don't
know Meledei. I'm not sure how to start something like this. I just
know I can't continue to live and feel the way I did last night, so
yeah, I guess I can start." He paused, knowing his words would
probably rile her further, but not sure how else to tell her what he
was feeling. "Have you ever felt like you weren't in control of your
own life any longer?" He paused waiting for her to acknowledge the
question before he added, "I'm feeling that way now, with everything,
but especially with," he gestured between them, "with us."

"Okay." Meledei could understand that. Yeah, she'd felt like that on
multiple occasions. It could be overwhelming and frustrating. "So
what exactly do you want to do about it?"

"I don't honestly_have_ an answer, Meledei. I understand what you

want from things, but that's led me to feel like you are holding all
the cards in our relationship. I have no say on anything. I agree to
be with only you, but then you also ask me to be totally celibate as
well. I'm_not_ trying to force you into something, but I find all
this just makes me feel like_you_ are in control and I have no say on

anything. It's your way or no way. I don't know if I can handle not
being a partner in this, but feeling more like I'm a puppet." He
sighed. His heart was heavy. He'd desired Meledei for so long that
even saying this was hard for him, but T'nom had changed over the near
Turn since he'd Impressed Taldeth.

"What do you want me to do?" Meledei felt like they hadn't really given
things a chance. It had only been a month. Then again, if they were
having problems so early, did that mean they weren't right for each
other? At the same time, the things that were worth haven't weren't
necessarily easy either.

"I don't know. Part of me wants to bulk against the stipulations
you've put on a relationship. It might be more like the life I led in
the past, but it's so far different from the normal life in the Weyr,"
he held up his hand to stop her, "I know your views. I've heard them
over and over again, so please don't go into that again. I want you to
understand that while I can be monogamous and exclusive, it is_hard_
for me to be totally celibate now. I guess I want you to accept me for
who I am. To love me for who I have been and who I have become. I've
cared deeply about you for Turns, but with this sudden shift in the
relationship between us it feels as though we've lost our footing." He
stopped. He didn't feel like he was making progress. He wanted to be
able to feel free to make his own choices and know that she would love
him regardless. Yet, he didn't feel that way right now. He felt as
though if he even pushed one toe over the line, that would be the end
of things between them.

"T'nom, I'm always going to care about you. Even...even F'gol..." She
paused a moment. Meledei still had difficulties, but she knew what she
was saying was truthful. "As angry as I still am with him, as unwilling
as I would be to take him back in a relationship, I still care about him."
Except their split up had been so violent with words that she was too
hurt to go to him - and probably him to her. "I don't mean to turn you
into a puppet. It's just..." And there was the crux of it. "I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of getting hurt again and I thought..."

Some realization dawned on him at her words. It didn't change what had
transpired, but it did help him see things a bit more clearly. He
moved then. Getting up and going to sit beside her on the couch.

"I hear you," he said quietly, wanting to hold her, to make her feel
better. "It can be hard to trust. My whole life I spent building a
shell around myself. It was you and the others here who finally helped
me learn that life didn't have to be me on the outside looking in. I
was afraid to open myself up. Afraid to be hurt, but what I've learned
these Turns is that if we_don't_ allow ourselves to face what_might_
be, then we become just a shell of the person we_could_ be. You've

got to be willing to open your heart up, knowing you might get hurt
again. It can be hard, but it's the things worth fighting for that are
most worth having in life. So I guess you have a choice, allow the
fear to win, or begin to trust in the people, like me, around you."
He'd said more than he'd wanted. They were thoughts he'd had so often
over the last few Turns. His own life had been hard.

She knew most of the details, but he wasn't sure she_truly_
understood. He'd been hurt by the loss of his father, and all that
transpired after that. He'd truly felt unloved and unwanted during
those Turns after that terrible loss. It had taken more than just the
man he'd grown up admiring. It had nearly broken his heart and his
spirit. Yet, it was her, the others here, and even more important,
Taldeth, who had helped him finally reawaken a part of himself that he
thought he'd never feel again.

"I need you to trust me, Meledei. Not to let the rules dictate our
time together. Know that I wouldn't set out to hurt you, but over
time, I may do or say things that do." He stopped. He'd said far more
than he'd intended. He wanted her to share her thoughts now. It needed
to be a partnership between them, where they could both talk openly
together.

He was right though it was hard to admit to herself. She didn't trust
him. She should. Meledei knew she should. But she'd been burned
before and she was afraid of being burned again. She nodded slowly.
"I know. I mean, there are going to be ups and downs to any
relationship. It was just...that sort of betrayal went
beyond...but...I'm going to try. But just as you ask that of me, I
need to ask that you be patient with me too."

Last updated on the November 1st 2013

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Around In Circles (2 of 4)