Tears Forever Flow

Writers: AL, Ames
Date Posted: 27th July 2013

Characters: Wirnan, Kaya
Description: Kaya dwells over the past and, she and Wirnan start to mend bridges.
Location: Amber Hills Hold
Date: month 2, day 18 of Turn 7

Wirnan

It still hit her at times. It still made her heart twist and writhe
within her chest. It still felt like someone was trying to pull it
from her body. It happened less often, but it still happened. It
would come upon her suddenly. The eyes that she would never gaze
into, the cheeks she would never kiss, the mouth that would never
suckle at her breast.

Inevitably she would bring out that picture. The one she and Wirnan
had liked the most. Every time she would look at it, only to have her
heart tear further. Why did she torture herself? She didn't know.
It was almost addictive. Or maybe she was afraid she would forget.
But how could she forget something so painful?

The afternoon found her slumped on the sofa and tears dampened her
cheeks. It was lunch time, but she didn't feel hungry. It was hard
to be hungry when her heart was breaking all over again.

He opened the door to their new quarters. He'd forgotten some papers
that morning and had decided to stop back at lunch to get them.

"Aftern..." He began to greet her, when he paused, noting her posture
and the overall feel in the room. "Are you ill?" He asked, moving into
the room quickly. He hadn't really seen her face up close, but his
first reaction was that somehow the illness he had had had lingered
and now she had it. In his mind he knew it had been too long since his
illness, but still it was the most reasonable explanation for her
posture.

Immediately Kaya straightened and vainly wiped at her eyes, though the
trails the tears had left stained her cheeks. "No. I'm fine." The
words fell flat, hardly the tone of someone who was 'all right'. She
rolled up the parchment, unwilling to bend it. Bending it would make
it wear out and she couldn't bear the thought of that.

"You're not ill?" He repeated this time with a sigh of relief. "Are
you....upset about something?" He wasn't sure he wanted to press the
issue further. Sometimes she got rather closed off when she was upset
and that led to more arguments between them.

"I'm okay, thank you." It was a lie, plain and simple, but she didn't
really want to answer. Kaya knew the baby's death had been hard on
him too. They had been so at odds - well...she'd been at odds with
him - that they'd never shared their grief together. "I've
just...been dwelling on some things I shouldn't be." She glanced down
at the parchment in her hand. "I should...put this away."

He frowned at her words. She wasn't willing to share now anymore than
she had been before. He knew he shouldn't have expected things to
change. His eyes noted her movements, however, and he froze. Was
_that_ what he thought it was? His heart clenched in his chest and he
found his throat dry. He had no words. "Um," he manged, squelching his
own reaction to his thoughts. "I can leave if you want." Yes, that
would work. He could escape the pain that he felt inside at the
thoughts that were trying to claw at him once again.

"No, it's okay." Kaya took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I
can put on some tea...though maybe we should get lunch." She turned
back toward him, about to say more when the expression on his face
made her pause. She followed his gaze to the parchment and drew it to
her breast. "I'm...I'm sorry." She murmured as the tears stung her
eyes once more. "Let me put it away." And with that she turned to
hurry to her room.

He drew in a shaky breath as she disappeared. Her reaction had
confirmed what he thought. She had been looking at_that_ picture
again. His heart ached. He truly felt she hadn't cared. He knew that
wasn't entirely true, now, but still, she hadn't wanted the child. It
still hurt him, deeply, that his dream of becoming a father wasn't
something she shared.

Instead of dwelling on it, he moved towards the kitchen and began to
fill the tea kettle in order to be helpful.

Kaya returned and stopped short when she saw Wirnan preparing the tea.
"You don't have to do that." Her protest was weak, but she did move

forward to take over if he wished her to. "But...thank you."

"Sure," he shrugged. "I don't have a long time, but I can at least
have tea and lunch before I have to get back."

"I could order something." Suddenly Kaya didn't feel like going to
the dining hall to eat. "Or...there's cheese and bread and butter, I
could make some cheese sandwiches. It's not much, but...." But she
didn't have a big appetite anyway.

"That would be fine," Wirnan replied. He knew he could always order
something more for himself when he got back to the office if he
wanted.

There was a flicker of a smile before Kaya turned to the sideboard
where she had started to keep a few things on hand for when she and
Wirnan got hungry but didn't want to go to the dining hall or
kitchens. She pulled out the items and her skillet and began to work
on the food. "How is work going?"

"It's going well. Lot of paperwork still from all the time I missed,
but things are finally coming back together again. Nothing major to
report. Just minor things here and there, which is always good. The
Hold is running smoothly," Wirnan told her, pleased that she had
actually asked. She seldom, if ever asked him about his day.

"How has your morning been?" He asked and then wanted to take the
question back. He'd_seen_ what her morning had been like. He didn't
need to bring it up again.

What was she to say about that? Kaya opened her mouth. She was going
to say...something. What? What was she going to say? Whatever it
was, it was lost immediately and replaced with more tears. As she
stood there, the cast iron warming on the small stove, a piece of
bread in one hand and a knife with a pat of butter on the other, she
just lost it completely right then and there.

He wanted to bury his head in his hands. That had been a foolish thing
to say for sure. He hadn't expected this outpouring of fresh tears. It
made him uncomfortable. He didn't know what to do. Rising from where
he'd gone to sit, he moved over to stand next to her. He reached a
hand up to pat her shoulder.

"It's okay. It'll be okay. Please don't cry," he didn't know what else
to do or say. He was still awkward around her after a full Turn. He
never knew what to expect from her.

Somehow Kaya managed to put the items in her hands down away from the
stove, but the tears didn't abate. "I'm sorry." She stammered as she
desperately tried to quell the tide of salty water that streamed down
her face. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry....I'm sorry..."

"It's um," Wirnan frowned. For a change she hadn't just run off when
she got upset. He didn't know if that was a good thing or not. "Okay,"
he finished. He continued to pat her shoulder. He didn't dare do more
as things between them were so uncertain.

She cried for quite some time. It wasn't the first time she had
cried, and probably not the longest, but the entire day had been
coloured with thoughts and it had just come out. "I'm sorry." She
managed again when the sobbing got a little more under control.
Except then she began to hiccup.

He handed her a handkerchief. He'd stayed there, though part of him
had wanted to leave.

"Are you better now?" He asked finally.

Kaya supposed she should answer in the affirmative. It was probably
what he wanted to hear. And yet, the words that passed her lips did so

before she could really think about them. "No. Not really." There
was another short pause and she added, her voice soft, a tremble
running through it. "She would have been six months."

He drew in a shaky breath at that. He'd known from the moment he'd
seen the parchment that that was what she was dwelling on. He'd pushed
it as far from his mind as possible in order to move forward each day.
Every other time they discussed the child things had fallen apart into
an argument. He didn't want to argue again.

'We cannot change the past," was all he murmured quietly.

"No." She agreed as she stared down at her hands. They glimmered
with presence of fallen tears. "Sometimes....sometimes I don't want
to remember. It...it hurts too much." She wasn't sure why she was
talking. She hadn't really spoken about the child not since...well,
it had been a while. But maybe that was the problem.

"I didn't think you wanted to talk about," he stated, feeling that
shadow he'd work so hard to push away descending on him once more. "I
know it wasn't something you wanted. Any of it."

"I didn't. It was too hard to talk about." Kaya's throat tightened
up again and she stared down at her hands, her fingers twisting
together. "I...I didn't want the baby. At first. Then I realised I
did want her, more than I ever thought imaginable...and then she..."
She trailed off, unable to say the words.

His heart was breaking anew at the conversation. He needed contact to
keep the sorrow at bay. He reached for her and pulled her close
without really thinking about it. Either she would allow it or she
would push him away, but in the moment it had seemed like the_right_
thing to do. "I wanted her too," he murmured softly.

Kaya stiffened at first, but the warmth of the embrace quickly melted
the tension. Her eyes closed and she buried her face against him.
His touch, the sorrow that he felt mingled with her own, it was too
much for her to hold in. Fresh tears poured from her eyes to dampen
his shirt. Her fingers curled and she clung to the fabric as if were
the only thing to keep her from completely falling apart while her
body shook with fresh sobs.

Last updated on the September 3rd 2013

Welcome to Triad Weyrs!

Tears Forever Flow