U'kaiah's Worst Nightmare (2/2)

Writers: Eimi, Suzee
Date Posted: 22nd June 2012
Series: It takes Time to Love

Characters: U'kaiah, Tavia
Description: This is strange
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 8, day 18 of Turn 6

Tavia

A seed of doubt had been planted in the bronzerider's mind. U'kaiah was
carefully studying his Kaiavin's face, looking for any further
confirmation that he was the boy's father. But it was just too soon to
tell. He took a deep breath, knowing he just had to ask her the tough
question. "Tavia, is there any possibility, any at all, that Kaiavin
might not be mine?"

"None at all," she said softly. "The last time I was with anyone else
was Sawauth's last flight and I had a flow after that. You are the
only possible father." She smiled knowing how murky it could be for a
female rider at times.

That at least was a weight lifted, he thought with a sigh of relief.
But there were other questions festering in the back of his mind. "And
after you conceived? Have you..." Shards, he felt as though he had no
right to ask, but if he didn't, he wasn't so sure he wouldn't go a
little mad. "Is there anyone else, Tavia?"

She was rather puzzled by his question but given his history here at
Dolphin Cove... "If you're asking if we've been exclusive while I was
pregnant then the answer is yes. Not that I made a conscious choice
about it. But I also know that you aren't, so where is this going
U'kaiah?"

Where was this going? Nowhere, it seemed. Nowhere. Where _could_ it
go? He had been down this road before, coming to a disastrous and
seemingly inevitable end. Though she probably had not meant it as such,
her words sounded to him like an accusation, like a call to embrace the
reality of the situation and just say it already - there was no way this
could work, try as hard as he might. But the thing was that he _did_
try! He was trying so hard.

He stood to put Kaiavin back in his crib, feeling a mounting frustration
building up inside him. "Yes, I know. I know I have very little to
offer you, Trae, but I'm giving as much as I can. Shouldn't that count
for _something_?"

That name? Now? Her eyes filled with unwanted tears and she stepped
back. "Tavia," she whispered "My name is Tavia." The lump in her
throat was so big she could barely breathe. "And I asked where this
_conversation_ was going, not _us_." She must have been living in a
dream to think any of this had been about her. It had been too
sharding good to be true and she should have realized it.

A questioning croon came from the outer weyr as her heart broke, again.

U'kaiah realized what he had said, and the look on Tavia's face made his
stomach drop. Shards, he had stepped in it now. "Tavia, please forgive
me. I didn't mean to say her name. I'm so sorry." He moved a little
closer, not sure she would want his touch after that blaring mistake,
but not willing to allow her to pull away. "She was in my dream
tonight." There was only one way really fix this as far as he could
see. "Please sit down, Tavia. I want to tell you about my dream."

He sat on the edge of the bed and reached out a hand to her, inviting
her to take it and sit beside him.

**She was in his dream,** she repeated in her head. But amazingly she
couldn't just give in to the pain that had caused. She didn't take his
hand but with guarded and hurt eyes she sat on the bed. "Tell me," she
said.

U'kaiah pulled back his hand when she didn't take it, knowing he must
have hurt her deeply. He didn't want to tell her about his dream, but
he had to make things right. "The dream wasn't about her. It was about
you. About us." His eyes flickered up to hers, trying to gauge what
her reaction might be. "In the dream you told me that you had made a
mistake. That Kaiavin was not my son, but another lover's. And that
you had decided that it was better to be with him than with me. You
thought it was better for everyone to just pretend like nothing had ever
happened between us. You needed someone to be here with you every day,
not a lover that would come only when it was convenient. And it hurt so
much, Tavia, to hear you say that." Now it was U'kaiah's turn to feel
burning in his eyes.

"And Trae came with her brownrider lover to laugh at me, and throw my
foolishness in my face." He wondered just how much Tavia might know
about their relationship had come to an end. "What did people think
happened when I stopped coming to see Trae? I'm sure there must have
been talk."

Her brows drew together as she listened. "Oh U'kaiah," she breathed
and closed her eyes. She could feel the pain and understand why he'd
say the things he had. She shook her head. "I'm not Trae," she said.
"I've had _your_ son. I carried him under my heart and he is part of
both of us. There is no doubt in my mind of his paternity."

But when he began to talk about Taelyn she was drawn into the drama
she'd so longed to avoid. "I don't know that people thought much of
it. She made a choice and made that clear to those around her." Tavia
had been somewhat involved with B'ram at least for a tumble at one
point but any thought in that direction had stopped once the Weyrwoman
became involved. "Of course we know now she wasn't altogether
balanced." She looked down at her hands. "You loved her, so it hurt
you." She, at least, knew what _that_ felt like.

"I did love her." But things could have been different between them.
He had to admit at least that. "When J'darin was scored, Trae saw it as
an opportunity for us to finally be together. She thought that if she
threw Nyith's next Flight open, my ambition to be a Weyrleader would
make me jump at the chance. But she didn't understand that I couldn't
just leave the men and women who have put their faith in me, who follow
me into Fall without question and put their lives in my hands. The
title would mean nothing in a place where I hadn't earned it, and
leading people I've never known. And so I didn't come, and N'vanik
won." He made his choices, too.

"That was when she started seeing B'ram out in the open. But I know
they had been seeing each other for a long time before that. I knew,
but I thought he was an old lover, an old friend. Someone you have a
bit of fun with and then go your separate ways. I had no idea that as
soon as I left Trae's bed, he'd roll into it, and had done for a long
time. I thought what she and I had was special. But I never heard Trae
talk of love until he spoke of him. Not me, _him_." And that had been
the deepest cut of all. He could share her body, but to know he could
not even claim an equal piece of her heart...

"Her brownrider was there for her everyday, and I was not. She needed
more, and I could not give it to her. Is it any wonder that she chose
him? I just was not enough for her." His love alone was not enough.
"I know you are not Trae, Tavia. But there is always this question in
the back of my mind - Can I ever really be enough for you? How long
before you need more than I can give? I know we will always be
connected through Kaiavin, but I don't want to be just the man who
fathered your child. I feel so much more for you than that. But I am
so afraid I will lose you in the end, like I lost her. I just don't
know what more I can do."

"I won't lie to you," she said seriously. "The nights are lonely when
you're not here." She looked down at her hands before looking back up
to make eye contact again. "And I've wondered what it would be like
when you slowly began to slip away. I know you have others to warm
your bed and your heart at Dragonsfall. It's only natural."

"I have family and friends here, even friends who would share with me
if I was of the inclination. But you know I've always kept things
light especially since L'rak completely played me for a wherry." She
still had a hard time accepting that she'd been such a fool over him.

"I've never let anyone close enough since, not until you just grew a
place in my heart. I care about you too, much more than I ever thought
when this began." She looked at him and this time she reached for his
hand and repeated one of his questions back to him. "Can I ever be
enough for you?"

Now it was his turn to be straight with her. "You know I have Aileyan.
I've never kept her secret from you, and never kept you from her. I
care about her too, as much as I care for you. So if you mean, can you
ever be enough for me alone, the answer is no. I can't lose her,
either." She had to understand that. He could not give Aileyan up,
even for her. "And I can't swear to never share my bed with other
women, too. I cannot see how I could keep that promise." He did not
want to make pretty promises just to put her mind at ease now, only to
break her heart and her trust later. "But, I can tell you with all my
heart, that the way I feel about you, I would never choose another over
you. I would ask you to share me, but not because you are not enough
for me. I need you, Tavia. I don't just want you, I need you."

"For me, the only question is, can you accept me and what I have to give
you, as imperfect as it is?" U'kaiah could feel a tightening in his
throat and chest as he awaited her answer. He felt true fear at what
this moment of absolute honesty might bring.

She wondered as he talked if he could hear what he was asking of her.
The way she was hearing his plea was for her understanding of his free
lifestyle. Sleeping with whomever he wanted, keeping his relationship
with Aileyan. She'd never stood in his way or even commented on this
in the past as she didn't' feel it was any of her business and she was
grateful for the portion of his time she _did_ have. But for him to
then challenge _her_ on the very same issue was the epitome of a
double standard.

"We're not holders to stand in front of a Harper. I've never had any
problems with our relationship and how it stands in your priorities.
I've always understood and accepted your other relationships. You're
the one who seems to need reassurance that I'm exclusive to you. Tell
me if I'm wrong but it sounds to me like a double standard. You free
to do what you want, and me to be alone unless you're available. How
is that fair of you to ask of me?"

"Oh, for Faranth's sake, Tavia..." U'kaiah rubbed at his temples,
feeling frustration coming on again. Their conversation had just taken
five steps backwards. "When did I _ever_ make a demand of you? I just
asked if there was anyone else, I don't see that as something I
shouldn't know. I wanted to know if one day I will might walk into your
weyr and find another man in your bed who might treat me like I do not
belong here. I don't see that as being unreasonable. Sleep with the
whole sharding Weyr if you want! It's not a warm body in the bed that
I'm afraid of losing! You know everything about Aileyan, and she knows
everything about you. I have hidden nothing. If I asked you to come to
Dragonsfall right now, there would be no surprises waiting for you.
That's why I asked."

She took a big breath and blew it out slowly. Now was not the time to
get all upset. "Fine," she said evenly. "I've told you everything all
along too. There are no unpleasant surprises here." She just looked at
him still a bit puzzled. "Do you think after all that business with
L'rak that I'd do something like that to you?" He knew all about her
former weyrmate and his lies. "I couldn't... not in a million Turns. I
couldn't do that to _anyone_."

"I didn't think _she_ could do that to me, either. Trae hid her
relationship with B'ram from me for months, and I never suspected a
thing. Then again, I never asked her." He had just believed that, given
their history, given the fact that it had been Trae who had pushed their
relationship forward, that her feelings for him were somehow special.
It was easy to assume Tavia might be playing him the same way. A man's
mind could play all sorts of tricks on him after a shock like that. But
he had thought this time he was at least doing the right thing. And yet
all it seemed to do was just lead to an argument. "You could have a
different lover every day between the time I leave and the time I come,
and I wouldn't know a thing unless you told me. How am I supposed to
know what happens when I'm not here if you've never talked about it?
But isn't it better that I at least asked rather than just assumed the
worst? Shards, Tavia, I didn't think it was so wrong to ask."

"You can't know," she said flatly. "There isn't a way because you're
there and I'm here. That's why we have to trust each other U'kaiah.
I've told you I have deep feelings for you and I understand why you're
upset but that was just a dream."

"Whether or not I have other lovers is just exercise. But I can tell
you right now, _no one_ else has my affection but you. If you can
believe that great, if you can't..." she threw her hands up in the
air. "That's something you have to figure out. You're not in my head
like Sawauth so there is no way for you to know how I really feel.
This," she pointed back and forth between the two of them. "Is about
trust."

"Yes, there is a way to know how you feel, it's called 'asking a flaming
_question_'!" And he still didn't get how he was in trouble in all
this. U'kaiah just wanted to pick something up and throw it! Which
meant it was a good time to just walk away. Rooting around for his
shirt, he threw it over his head and decided to not even bother with
socks or boots. The cold stone felt good on his feet as he could feel
his temperature and blood pressure rise.

"Fine, so I answered your flaming _question_," she spat back at him.
"And keep your voice down or you'll wake the baby." Glory hissed from
the top of her curtains, her red eyes a reflection of Tavia's anger at
this whole stupid mess. The greenrider shot up and out of his way,
stomping to the other side of the room where she stood hipshot with
her arms crossed under her breasts. She fumed at the unfairness of it.
She had drills in the morning and Kaiavin was going to his foster
mother full time. Now she wasn't going to get any sleep at all. She
could feel Sawauth trying to calm her down but she shushed her
lifemate. **I just want to be mad for a while.**

Last updated on the June 29th 2012

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