I Can't Do This

Writers: Ames, Len
Date Posted: 19th June 2011

Characters: C'jex, Talisian
Description: Talisian considers leaving the Weyr and gets some advice from C'jex
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 2, day 16 of Turn 6

Talisian bit his hoe deep into the soil, feeling satisfaction with the
work he was doing, planting the early tubers for the Weyr's food
supply. That reminded him of home, and of his responsibilities there.
This had been a stupid thing he had done, jumping on that
searchdragon's back so many sevendays ago. He kicked himself for
that. And then for what he had done in the bathing pools, with that
man! What had he been thinking? Well, there was nothing for it. As
soon as this hatching was over he was just going to have to go back.
Go and make things okay again. He rubbed his sweaty hair out of his
face and bent back down to his work.

C'jex, who happened to have offered to assist with the planting as
well, had been working further away and had not yet noticed the
red-haired boy he'd met in the bathing pools some time ago. Hot and
sweaty after a few candlemarks of work, he'd yanked his shirt off and
worked with less to impede his task. When he had finished, he swiped
up his shirt and flung it over his shoulder. With a nod to the others
who were working in the field, he'd turned and made his way back
towards the main Weyr. He'd need to get cleaned up and ready for his
late sweepride duties.

As he walked a shock of red hair caught his attention. C'jex paused,
then moved a few steps towards the boy. "Talisian?" He said as he
approached. "Ah, good to see you lad. I haven't seen much of you in
awhile. How are you settling in?" C'jex had meant to check in on the
boy, but had taken ill for a short bit and then had had to work doubly
hard to get to his full strength while still managing to maintain his
duties.

Talisian ducked his head down when he saw the man with his top off.
His heart--and some other parts of his body--felt a flutter at that
sight, and he ruthlessly pushed it out of his mind. No, he was going
to be a faithful son, go back home and marry that girl, just like his
father, his brother and the lord Holder wanted.

Hoping C'jex hadn't noticed the inner conflict on his face, he
answered, "oh, I'm fine. Hoping the Hatching comes and goes with no
problems." **Then I can return home,** he added in his head.

"Then you've settled in well. That's good." C'jex reached up and
pulled the shirt from his shoulder, using it to mop sweat from his
brow before tossing it back in it's original place. "I'm sorry I
haven't had a chance to talk to you again. I took ill for a bit and
then my duties were rather full. I'd intended to see if you needed any
help settling in, but I guess I'm a bit late in the asking." He looked
down at the hoe and reached a hand up to pat the boy's shoulder.
"Looks like you're doing fine work here. I won't keep you, but if I
can ever help in anyway, feel free to come find me."

Talisian felt a flush of anger at that. It was obvious this man
hadn't given what had happened between the two of them any more
thought than if they had shared a drink together. He dropped his eyes
down, feeling that everyone in his Hold were right, the riders in the
Weyrs were depraved when it came to sex. Stumbling a bit, he
answered, "I'll be leaving soon, so I won't need your help anymore,
sir."

"Leaving?" C'jex had stopped and looked closely at Talisian. "What do
you mean you are leaving? I thought you were standing for the
hatching?" His brows drew together in puzzlement. "Was I wrong?" He
was clearly confused by what the boy had told him.

"No, I'll stay for the Hatching." If nothing else, he'd stay to see
it, if only to get to witness the whole thing. And how many people
could say that they had been to a Hatching? "No, I was talking about
after. I'll be leaving then."

"You don't expect to Impress?" C'jex was rather stunned by the boy's
reaction. If he went into the hatching expecting to leave, he'd send
off the wrong vibes to the newly hatched dragons and likely _wouldn't_
get chosen. He looked up when one of those leading the planting glared
in their direction.

"I should let you finish your work now, but I'll meet you after you're
done," C'jex wanted to further their conversation. See exactly what
was going on in the boy's mind and see if he could help.

***

Talisian had told himself he wouldn't take up the man's offer to talk
alter, that when he watched him leave, that that would be the end of
it and he would never see C'jex again. So when he found himself
standing outside the man's weyr--after asking half a dozen people
where to locate it--he could have kicked himself from there to Ista
and back. What a weak fool he was! Certianly not worthy of his
father's bloodlines. The beautiful sunset went unnoticed behind him
as he fought his inner termoil.

C'jex had bathed and been back in his weyr for some time when he
realized his klah jug was empty. Picking it up, he'd intended to head
down to the kitchens to get it refilled. When he opened the door to
exit his weyr, he nearly ran into Talisian.

"Well hello," he said, "I didn't know you were out here. Care to come
in or do you prefer standing in the hallways?"

"I-I...you said to come over to talk.." He blushed and looked down.
"...so I have..." His voice trailed off at that.

"Of course," C'jex answered. "Come on in." He stepped back to allow
the boy to enter and gestured for him to have a seat. Taking a seat
himself, he paused for a moment then looked Talisian in the eye, "So
what did you mean earlier when you said you'd be leaving? Are you no
longer planning to Stand for the hatching?"

Tal sat and tried not to stare too openly at C'jex. He was
remembering what they had done in the baths and flushed.
"I..erm...well, no I'll Stand. It's just after...I'm going home." He
shook his head and looked down at the floor. "All this..I shouldn't
have come to the Weyr. It was all a big mistake. When the Hatching's
over, I'm going to do right by my father, go back, marry that girl and
settle down to be the good farmer he wanted me to be." He nodded his
head, as if he was trying to convince himself more than C'jex that
this was the right thing to do.

C'jex watched Talisian with a frown on his face trying to follow the
boy's reasoning. "So, wait, you're going to Stand, but you plan to
leave?" He shook his head as he tried to reason through that. "If you
don't plan to stay here, why Stand? I mean. You _could_ Impress and
then there's no going back." C'jex hadn't even rationalized the rest
of what Talisian had said as he was rather caught up on the idea that
the boy would Stand but with the intention of leaving directly after.

The young man nodded and sat mute. How could he explain what was
going through his head and how he felt? And how he had been raised
and why that Holder had been so angry when he had been taken? Life
would have been so much easier if he had been born in the Weyr. He
sighed and looked down into his hands.

C'jex frowned when the boy didn't reply at all. "What's really
bothering you, Talisian? Are you unhappy here? Do you miss home?" He
was trying to find out how he could help, but without some idea of
what was in the boy's mind there was little he could do. "No one is
going to keep you here, I hope you know that. If you want to go,
you're free to do so, but you still seem hesitant. What do _you_
really want?"

"I...I..." At that he struggled not to break down. "C'jex...I can't
do this...I can't be gay! What would my da think? He needs me back
on the Hold! And I'm to be married...what am I going to do?"

"Hey, hey, wait a minute," C'jex said leaning forward and looking
intently at the boy. He hadn't known that _this_ was what was behind
Talisian's motives. "Let me help you with this, okay? Tell me
something," he asked quietly, "If _you_ could chose your life without
anyone else in mind, what would _you_ want for yourself?"

"To...just be happy. I've never been happy...I've never been allowed
to just be me, y'know? I mean..it's not like I_choose_to be this way.
If I could, I'd change in a heartbeat. And I don't know..what am I
going to do?" At that he could feel his eyes burning.

C'jex felt his heart go out to the boy. He'd been lucky and never
really had to go through this struggle. His own desires and interests
were accepted from the moment he was young. No one had ever made him
feel that he couldn't be who he was today.

"What would make you happy, Talisian? Would staying here make you
happy or would going back make you happy?" He paused, "I can't make
the decision for you, but don't go back just to please someone else.
You will _never_ find happiness if you do."

"I'm never going to find happiness, C'jex. How could I? If I stay
here and live openly, I lose my family. If I go back, then I have to
live a lie. How can I never be happy with that hanging over me?" At
that he sighed and ran his hands over his face and through his dark
hair.

"I can't tell you what to do Talisian," C'jex reached for the other
boy's hand. "But now that if you stayed here, you would have a new
family. We stick together here in the Weyr. And it wouldn't matter if
you Impressed or not. You would have a place here, friends and people
you could call your family. It's the way I live my life as well."

"But what about my da? What about my sister? And the girl I was
supposed to marry? It's fine for me to be here and live my life but
what happens to them?" He particularly struggled, thinking of his
sister, stuck in a loveless marriage and his betrothed, who had been
thrilled that someone she liked had been chosen for her. How could he
live with himself is she was given next to some abusive older man?
She had been his best friend as well.

C'jex shrugged, "I don't know Talisian. Perhaps you need to go and see
them before you make your final decision. I can go with you if you'd
like, I mean, just so they don't expect that you are returning for
good. I think you do need to work some of this out beforehand. I mean,
giving your life to be a dragonrider is glorious in so many ways, but
it is definitely not for everyone." He wasn't really sure what more he
could say or do to help, perhaps he would need to enlist someone else
to offer guidance, but he wasn't sure who that someone else might be.

"Perhaps. You'd do that for me? You would take me back?" With that
offer in the air, the young man felt all the tension he had bottled up
go. If someone like C'jex was there too, maybe it wouldn't be so bad,
going back.

"Of course I would. That's what friends are for, Talisian. And if
nothing else, I'd like to think we are friends." C'jex gave the boy a
pat on the shoulder for encouragement. "You just saw the word and
Ohoneth and I will be there for you."

Last updated on the June 19th 2011

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I Can't Do This