To Stand...or Not

Writers: Chelle, Len
Date Posted: 21st May 2011

Characters: Rhosyn, A'shel
Description: Angshel and Rhosyn discuss whether or not he should Stand.
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 2, day 1 of Turn 6
Notes: Mentioned: Im're, Briata

Notes: follows 'You Should Stand'

Okay, that was all there was to it Just go up to the Weyrwoman and
ask if he could Stand. Im're and Briata seemed confident that she
would allow him...and he knew from others that he had a right to
stand..so why did Angshel feel so nervous?

It wasn't like he didn't know the Weyrwoman, and didn't know her to be
not fair and not honest and easy to talk to. And he didn't have any
fears of a huge creature like her queen. So why the nerves?
Swallowing tightly, he went to her door and knocked timidly, half
hoping she wouldn't hear it and he could leave and tell the others she
just wasn't in.

"Who is it?" Rhosyn could find out if she wanted to, but it was easier
to ask. The Weyrwoman was going through her files, trying to get rid
of what she didn't need.

"It's Angshel, ma'am." The lad fidgeted nervously, waiting for her to
say he could come in.

"Come in then, apprentice." Rhosyn's use of his new rank showed that
she was keeping tabs on him.

The boy opened the door to the office and entered, walking up to
Rhosyn's desk. "Weyrwoman?"

"Aye? Do you have need of me?" He certainly seemed more confident.
Before, he never would have approached her so. That was a step in the
right direction.

"I...yes." He clamped his hands behind his back, stood up straight
and opened his mouth before he could give himself time to stop. "I
was just talking with Im're and Briata...they think I should Stand..."
His voice trailed off at the end, just thinking of the cheek to ask
such a question from someone who had been a drudge.

"Is that so? And what do you think?" Interesting... so Briata had been
encouraging as they had spoken about. Im're's meddling was news to
her, though.

"What do..." The boy stammered. Would it be too cheeky to say he
wanted to Stand? This wasn't the Hold anymore, it wasn't like she'd
beat him for speaking his mind. Trying to overcome his attack of
shyness, he stumbled out, "I think...I think I should. I mean..I want
to Stand, ma'am."

"Allright, my next question is...if you did impress and a flight happened..
do you think you could handle it?" She couldn't put her dragonets in danger.

He deflated at that.

She watched his reaction and sighed. "Allright, I tell you what. Of course
before there are eggs, Orlaith will fly. See how you react to that and...we'll
talk okay?" That would be a step in the right direction at least. "Do you
think that makes sense? We don't want your dragon to be in danger because
we put you in before you were ready, do we?"

"Why? What happens when she Flies?" Panic was rising in his voice.
Even though she hadn't said, the boy sat down in the chair opposite
her desk and held his knees tightly together to keep them from shaking.

"Well, it's sort of a mini-version of what's going to happen in your own
dragon's mating flight. When she goes up, those feelings are broadcast
around the Weyr. Generally, it'll just be a pleasant sort of...amorous feeling.
For those chasing, it will be magnified, as it will be for those who
have dragons to a point." Rhosyn wondered if he understood or if she was
going to have to give him a sexual education course right there.

"Oh." Angshel fought down the feeling of being sick right there and then.
He clutched his hands together and stared at the floor before his feet.

Rhosyn saw that and interpreted it as a blatant sign that he wasn't near ready.
"Is there anything I can do to help you?"

He shook his head no. And, putting his hands to his face in shame,
began crying.

"Angshel, shh...It's going to be okay. Maybe not now, but it will be.
It's not the
end of the world and we're going to work on this." She was used to just pushing
her way through the problems in her life, but she knew it wouldn't be
so with his.

The boy leaned into her shoulder and cried. There was nothing he
could say, if he could talk. In his mind, he was ruined by what had
happened to him.

Rhosyn was awkward in the moment, but she allowed him to stay there
without pushing him away. "One time, I was a little girl. My father died
and my mother sent me away. Where I grew up, people didn't understand
me. Even when I impressed and it should have gotten better, it didn't. I'm
still standing, Angshel. I'm here."

She looked down at him, pushing away those old feelings of being small
and vulnerable. Subconsciously, she reached out for Orlaith, whose strong,
solid presence was there in her mind like a rock. "You can do it. We will help
you. But you have to be ready."

"I don't think I'll ever be ready..." he muttered, trying to straighten up and
stop crying. "I keep having nightmares...that it's happening again...and I
can't stop it." At that he began sobbing again. "Why? Why did this have
to happen? Why me?"

"Sometimes bad things happen to good people. You get through them and
they make you stronger. If people are cruel to you and you continue to feel
sorry for yourself-they have won. Don't let them win. Haven't the mindhealers
been able to help you with the nightmares?" Rhosyn became curious then,
wondering how much progress he had made.

The boy shook his head. "No..they just started happening not too long
ago." Just like the mindhealers said they would.

"Ahh...maybe you thinking about Standing has brought back all those feelings.."
She wasn't a mindhealer, so she didn't know exactly what that meant.
Still, Rhosyn did know something about trauma.

"I don't think so...I sort of forgot all about Flights, to be honest."
Even though he shouldn't have, being that the most likely dragon for
him would be a green.

"Well for the time being, keep working with them. And you'll continue your
apprenticeship with Y'gel. We'll revisit this later when we think the time has
come. Don't worry, though. You have plenty of turns." She released the boy,
pulling back a bit from him.

He nodded and stood. Briata and Im're were going to be so disappointed
in him. But not half as much as he was in himself. He looked at her
but couldn't quite meet her eyes. "Thanks anyways, ma'am."

"Angshel, I'm going to tell you one thing before I send you out of my office."
She summoned up her best Wingleader voice and looked directly at him.
"What happened to you was not your fault. You did nothing to deserve it.
You will not allow it to define you. Don't you dare be ashamed of yourself."

"Okay," he said meekly. He knew she was trying to make him feel better
but nothing was going to work, right now. All he knew was he had failed
at what he dreamed of doing, all because of what had happened to him.

"Like I said, if there's anything I can do, let me know. For now, we know our
plan. So go on and take the rest of the day off, returning to your
duties tomorrow."
He looked like he needed to get his thoughts together.

He nodded, even though the worst thing he could do was take the rest
of the day off. Getting lost in one of the back rooms where the herbs
were mixed sounded like a better plan than having to face anyone.

Rhosyn watched him leave her office. She made a note to tell Briata to
watch him. If he reacted badly, that was all she needed.

Last updated on the May 23rd 2011

Welcome to Triad Weyrs!

To Stand...or Not