Where Do We Go From Here? (2/2)

Writers: Anaria, JR
Date Posted: 1st April 2011

Characters: J'klin, Roana
Description: J'klin apologizes to Roana after a night of drinking.
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 1, day 18 of Turn 6

"Well, as I said before, I do love you. Very much, in fact. And I don't want to lose you again. But I think that it's important that I spend more time getting myself straightened out, or we're just going to be having this same conversation a few months down the line. If we're ever to succeed as a couple, I need to get over my drinking," J'klin said.

Roana nodded. It wasn't that she didn't see the truth in what he was saying, but what was she going to do while he was off dealing with whatever? She'd gotten too used to having him around all the time, too comfortable with having him claim most of her free time and vice versa. "So... I guess our friendship is on hold, then," the greenrider said softly, unable to hide the sadness in her voice.

"Not our friendship, Roana. I am not giving that up for anything in the world," J'klin explained. "But I need to get out of the habit of coming to you just because I am in a bad mood. I need to learn how to cope by myself, without using you or a wineskin as a crutch. So we can definitely see each other still, just not quite as much."

"Okay," she mumbled, turning to fiddle with some things on one of her bookshelves.

J'klin knew Roana well enough to know that she'd only turned away because she was trying to hide the fact that she was either about to cry, or crying. He walked over to her, placing one hand lightly on her back, rubbing it slowly. "I'm so sorry that I'm too messed up to truly appreciate how wonderful you are, Ro."

She dropped her head into her hands, swiping at the slow tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. "Don't try to kiss up to me right now. Please. Did you ever stop to think that I was counting on you just as much as you were counting on me? Now I have to muddle through all my mess on my own."

"I can recommend a good mindhealer?" J'klin said lamely, before sighing heavily. "I dunno Ro, I know this isn't going to be easy on either of us, but I think in the long run it's worth it. I mean, you were planning on trying to transfer to another wing, hopefully that will help things a bit, and give you something to focus on, so new friends..." he trailed off, uncertain.

She'd had every intention of requesting to be put in his wing, but now she didn't know if that would be a good idea. "What if I don't _want_ new friends?" Her life had gotten comfortable, the last month as they'd rebuilt what they'd had at Dragonsfall. The thought of losing what she'd been carefully putting back together, even temporarily, hurt. Roana lost the battle with her emotions and started crying in earnest. "How many times am I supposed to wait while you figure out what you really want?"

Stunned by Roana's words, J'klin bit back the response that he'd been working of. Instead, he stopped fighting his own tears, letting them slide down his face freely. "What would you have me do, Ro?" He asked, his voice hoarse.

"I don't _know_! I understand what you're saying, what you need to do, but it doesn't mean I have to like it," Roana mumbled. She turned to peer up at him through the curls that had fallen into her face, brushing them aside impatiently and feeling even worse when she saw that he was crying too. "It just feels like history is repeating itself. That here we have this... friendship, relationship, whatever we're going to call it, and we get to a point and suddenly there's something else more important that's taking you away."

J'klin blinked a few times before responding. "My mental well being is more important. Yes. That is a true statement. But every. Sharding. Thing. That I do. Is to make it better for us in the future," He said, cutting his words short for emphasis. "I don't want to do this repetition stuff. I want to go to the mindhealer, make myself better and then make you my weyrmate."

Roana flinched back as if he'd slapped her. "I'm not saying I'm right, or that it's even logical, but it's how I feel. This _hurts_, J'klin. I know you need to do it, but how am I supposed to feel? You're not just the man I love, or a potential lover and weyrmate. You're my best friend and I thought I was yours, too." A wave of grief hit her. She felt cold all the sudden, and tired. So tired. The long night caught up with her and the greenrider's legs suddenly didn't want to hold her anymore. Roana sagged to the floor, curling into a messy heap.

J'klin was stunned for a moment, not really certain that what he saw was real until Phiralith bugled her distress from the weyrledge. "Roana, Shards, Ro!" he exclaimed, picking her up and carrying her to the couch. "Ro, can you hear me?" He asked, his voice cracking with fear. He had done this. This was his fault. He pulled her close to him, buried his face in her chest and began to sob.

~*~

She hadn't quite fallen asleep, hadn't quite fainted, but it took her some time to gather herself enough to be fully conscious again. Roana woke to find herself tucked in against J'klin's body and being rocked slowly. It was so comfortable - and comforting - at first she thought their earlier conversation had been a dream, until she felt the damp stickiness of her shirt where his tears had soaked in. Reaching up, she slowly curled her hand around his forearm where it wrapped over her chest, "J'klin?"

J'klin took a deep, steadying breath, "Oh thank Faranth you're alright, Ro, I thought I was going to need to have Nimyth go fetch me a healer!" He blurted out quickly, all the while continuing to rock her. "Are you feeling alright, do you need anything?"

"No, I think... I'm alright," she slowly opened her eyes, only to close them again quickly, "Just a little dizzy and disoriented, I think. You moved me over here?" Roana clarified, since she remembered being on the other side of the room. "How long was I out?" She thought her voice might be slurring a little too, but she couldn't tell for sure.

"Not for too long, only a few moments," J'klin answered. "You fell, I brought you over here so you could lay down. I think you need rest, you've been through a lot the past two days." J'klin kicked himself internally. In addition to all the other problems that he had caused, he had made Roana faint. He certainly didn't deserve her.

Roana twisted in his arms to curl up against him; the tone of his voice revealed more than he probably realized. "I'm sorry I scared you," she said softly. "I guess everything caught up with me all at once."

"It's alright," J'klin said. "When was the last time you had a good meal? I think I should go get you something a bit more substantial then klah. Will you be alright if I leave for a few moments to grab something from the Dining Caverns?"

She let him out of her hug reluctantly, knowing it was for the best. "I'll be fine," Roana insisted. "I think it would be best if you just... go." The greenrider shifted to her own side of the couch, putting distance between them.

J'klin frowned. He knew that he deserved to be pushed away, but that didn't make it any easier for him. Perhaps this wasn't something they should discuss now, not while feelings were still hurt, and emotions were raw. "Is that what you want?" He asked softly.

She fought the urge to explain, to comfort and said simply, "Yes." It was a lie, but hopefully he wouldn't realize that.

"Alright," J'klin said. And with that simple word, he was gone.

Last updated on the April 27th 2011

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Where Do We Go From Here? (2/2)