Turn Beginning Reflections

Writers: Ames
Date Posted: 12th March 2011

Characters: Roldar
Description: Roldar gets his rooms and his thoughts ready for a new turn
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 1, day 1 of Turn 6

Roldar hustled about his room. It wasn't the same as the weyrs the riders used, but it was still his own 'weyr' since it was his and his alone. He'd been lucky enough to get a room on the ground level that allowed him easier access to everything, especially the infirmary. It had taken some time, for when he'd first arrived, his room had been up a few levels. Yet, it seemed as he'd proved his worth in the infirmary he'd been granted a room closer so he could get their more quickly in the event of an emergency.

Now, as he moved things about in his room, cleaning and re-arranging he thought of what this new Turn might bring. Each turn's beginning he liked to go through his things and take stock. See what was no longer needed and what was. This tradition was far less meaningful than it had been Turns ago when he had a whole family's worth of things to sort through. Now it was just him. His few possessions were mostly things he needed on a daily basis. Even now, Turns after coming here, he didn't have many extraneous things.

As he sat on the bed, he wondered what his children were doing now. Did they _too_ still cleanse things at Turns beginning or had his wife, no his ex-wife, done away with that. He may not have loved just her alone, but he _had_ loved her. He given her Turns of his life and that had to mean something. Yet, one move, one weakened moment when he acted on the impulses that had plagued him since a child had all but ruined his life. He'd lost everything in that moment. His home, his wife, his family.

It was still hard to think about things here in the Weyr. When he'd arrived he was more confused then ever, not sure whether his impulses were real or if they had been some fluke. Yet, he'd felt the stirrings within him as he'd watched some of the other men around. How was it then that he still found an attractive woman appealing as well? These questions had plagued him for quite some time. He'd learned from watching the riders that there were those who had interest in both sexes, but Roldar wasn't sure if he was one of them or not.

He'd been so uncertain of his own feelings he'd avoided relations with anyone for the longest time, afraid of what he would do or find out about himself. In just the last Turn, he'd finally allowed himself to engage with others in ways he had not had in quite some time. Yet, most of that time that had been just to relieve the pressures he felt within himself when I willing partner offered themselves. Still, it didn't feel right to him. Turns of breeding were ingrained within him, it was hard to ignore what he had believed all his life. When he laid with a man he still felt shame for what he did. When he'd laid with a female again he'd found he liked that as well. Roldar found it all confusing, found it hard to figure out _who_ he was now. Was he a man who liked men or one who liked women? Could he be both and how did one live with knowing he he was somewhere in the middle? Weyrlife had definitely allowed him the chance to explore these things about him, but it had not given him any answers. Perhaps, this Turn, things would change and he would find a path that he knew was right.

With a sigh, he rose and continued his sorting, readying himself for a turn that just might change his life for good.

Last updated on the March 20th 2011

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Turn Beginning Reflections