Here's Where I Stand (2/2)

Writers: Anaria, JR
Date Posted: 1st February 2011

Characters: Roana, J'klin
Description: Roana and J'klin have a talk about where they stand
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 12, day 22 of Turn 5
Notes: Part 2 of 2

If Roana would have been anyone else, J'klin wouldn't have been able
to control himself in this situation. However, he'd known her for so
many turns, and he was one of the few people that he truly respected,
and because of that he wasn't going to do anything that made her feel
uncomfortable. That didn't stop him, however, from taking advantage of
the invitation to grope.

Eventually, she pulled away, breathless and panting and slowly
becoming aware of the way his hands were stroking her body. Roana had
hardly noticed while they were kissing, the pleasures all blurring
together. "Faranth," She mumbled, "That's why I resisted that so
long."

J'klin removed his hands quickly. "Oh, I'm sorry... should I... should
we stop?" He asked, concern furrowing his brow. "We can just sit here
and talk over klah if you'd like, we don't need to go at it like
canines in heat."

Her lower lip nudged forward to pout. "That wasn't a complaint,
darling. You can put them right back where they were. I just meant
it's easy to get lost in you, but at least this is fairly innocuous as
long as the clothes stay on."

J'klin did not hesitate at putting his hands back, right where they'd
previously been on her backside. He leaned up to kiss her - this time
softer, but still tantalizing. "Woman you do crazy things to me, you
know that?"

"Yeah, same goes," Roana sighed. She wished she could be sure he
wasn't going to lapse back into drinking. That was her main reason for
not throwing caution to the wind and jumping into a relationship with
him. Trying not to let on what she was thinking, she teased, "But hey,
at least I'm letting you get further with me now?"

J'klin grinned broadly, "Yes, indeed you are, but do I have to behave
myself if and when Phiralith chooses to rise?" he asked. "I mean, I
just like my guidelines set up in advanced," he explained with a wink.

Roana blinked and glanced up at him, surprised. "When Phiralith goes
up, that's a whole separate game from what's going on with you and I.
If Nimyth wins there won't be rules. I'll have to think about what
happens after that." Faranth, what _would_ she do? It wouldn't make
much sense to keep holding him off after that. She'd just have to hope
that Nimyth didn't win.

Sensing her hesitation and her discomfort, he frowned some. "I can
take him away from the Weyr if you don't want anything to interfere,"
he said softly, kissing the spot where her neck met her shoulders. "We
don't have to chase," he said, mentally adding "but it would hurt for
me to see someone else win."

"No, I..." The greenrider sighed and leaned her head against his,
deciding to simply lay it out honestly. She figured he might be hurt,
but hoped he'd understand where she was coming from. "J'klin, I don't
want to get involved and turn around and get my heart broken because
you start drinking again. I've seen what it does to people. If Nimyth
wins, I need you to understand that it's not going to change our
relationship any."

J'klin nodded slowly. "Ok," he said softly. "I can respect that.
Honestly, I'm just glad that you're even willing to give me a chance
at all, considering all that I've done."

She pulled back to search his face, fingers tracing his cheek, "We
have a lot of history together. I don't want to throw that away. I
want to see where this is going to go, I just... You know I don't jump
into things without picking at them first. I need to be sure."

J'klin forced himself not to be stung by her words. He felt sure. He'd
never felt more sure of anything in his life, certainly not any of his
previous relationships. But women were different than men when it came
to relationships, and he knew that. Forcing down the negativity, he
instead kissed her lightly on the nose.

Roana wasn't stupid; she saw the flash of hurt before he carefully
choked it back. Rather than stick her foot in her mouth again, the
greenrider curled her arms around him and leaned her head on his
shoulder, snuggling in close.

J'klin fought to deal with his feelings. He wondered if he was too
dependant on Roana, and if so, if that was a bad thing. He also
wondered if he could truly stay away from alcohol, and how Roana would
react if he couldn't. He hated not knowing. Nothing was worse in his
opinion than uncertainty, but at the same time, he couldn't pressure
Roana. He cared about her too much.

"It's not going to change, J'klin," She finally whispered, "I mean it.
We're going to keep going as we have been, slow and comfortable, and
things will happen when they happen. If you can't handle that, if
Nimyth wins... then," Her voice cracked a little, "Then maybe you
shouldn't let him chase."

"It's not that in specific," he said slowly, trying to make certain he
didn't misspeak. "It's just... I dunno. I like you a lot, so this is
hard for me. Especially since we've known each other so long, so a lot
of the boring "getting to know you" stuff is unnecessary. But at the
same time, I don't want to push you because I respect you too much to
do that."

"Which all means you're tired of waiting," Roana's chest went tight
and she slipped off his lap to stand awkwardly before him, "Even
though you're trying to behave." One of her hands made its way up to
tangle in her short curls, frustrated and hurt. Between his drinking
and what had happened at Dragonsfall, there was no way Roana was ready
to let him have all of her, physically or emotionally.

"No, no, no, it's not that at all, Roana." He said quickly. "It's not
even the physical stuff that bothers me. I just..." he started,
flushing slightly in embarrassment. "I want to be able to call you my
girlfriend. You know, for the two of us to be exclusive. I'm sorry, it
must sound so dumb hearing a man say that."

Her dark brows drew together. "As far as I was concerned, we already
_were_ exclusive. I haven't as much as looked at anyone else since I
got here."

"Oh... I guess I just wanted to hear it," J'klin said lamely. He felt
stupid, questioning her loyalties just to ease his own mind. "I didn't
want to assume anything... I really, really don't like the thought of
you with another man." He finished, shaking his head. "I care about
you a lot."

"J'klin," she sighed, "I'm not putting you off because I'm looking to
run off and be with someone else. I want _you_, but I also want the
J'klin I remember from before Arilanna, and you're not that person
anymore. I have to reconcile the two, and it's taking a while."

"I don't even remember who that person was anymore," he said softly.
"I honestly don't remember how I was before all that, it all seems so
long ago now. What did you like so much about him?" He asked.

"He's not so different. Younger, a little less worried about what
everyone else thinks, a little more playful..." Roana shrugged, but
her hands were fidgeting at her hips and she finally buried them in
her pockets to still them.

"Hmmm," J'klin said thoughtfully. "I'll see if I can dig him up for
you again. But in the meanwhile, can I hold you for a bit longer? Or
perhaps we can go snuggle in bed? It is getting a bit late." He
pointed out.

That was one thing that definitely hadn't changed, she thought with a
sigh. He had a thing with being able to touch people. Roana wasn't
quite ready for bed yet, so she quietly settled on the couch next to
him.

Roana seemed distant to him, and he frowned. "I guess maybe I should
start seeing the Mindhealer about things other than just my drinking,"
he said softly. "I really wish I could get my confidence back a bit as
well. I mean, I guess I've gotten too comfortable with the fact that
I'm doing better, I didn't realize that "better" wasn't necessarily
enough."

If he wasn't going to hold her the way he'd asked... Roana moved to
lay down, resting her head in his lap, her curls spilling over his
thigh. "There's nothing wrong with telling the mindhealer other things
than just your drinking. That's what he's there for, to help you
figure things out. And he's unbiased, so you can trust what he says."

"I suppose you're right," J'klin said, running his fingers through her
hair. "It was a lot easier to just blame all my problems on the
alcohol, rather than blaming the alcoholism on all my problems, if
that makes sense. I just wanted to think that with the alcohol out of
the equation, I'd be whole again."

She reached up to catch his free hand, pulling it over to kiss the
knuckles. "Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. No matter how much
you might want it, we shouldn't be together - more seriously than
this, at least - until you've gotten a handle on things. But I'm not
going anywhere, I'll be here to help and support you, I promise."

"That means a lot to me, I hope you realize that," he said. He leaned
down to kiss her softly on the lips while continuing to run his
fingers through her hair. Not satisfied with the initial, innocent
peck, he kissed her again, more deeply. He couldn't seem to get over
his desire to be closer to her, but he wasn't going to push her.

She took pity on him, hunching over to try and kiss her and lifted
herself up on an elbow to return his kisses. "Are you still going to
stay here with me tonight?" Roana asked when they paused for breath.

"If you don't mind," he responded. "I sleep better when you're next to
me. My bed feels empty without you." He lightly brushed a strand of
her hair from her face while staring down at her admiringly. She was
so pretty, and he was lucky to have her.

Stifling a yawn against his tunic, Roana slowly pulled herself up off
the couch. "C'mon then, let's go get settled. I'm tired and I
certainly don't want to sleep on the couch tonight."

J'klin wrapped his arms about Roana, picking her up with ease, as he
carried her towards the sleeping chambers. "Alright," he said. He sat
her down on the bed lightly, then quickly removed his tunic. "Do you
mind if I just take this all off?" he asked, gesturing to his clothes.
"I actually sleep better when I'm not wearing anything."

She wasn't sleeping bare, so it was fine with her, and she said as
much before slowly getting up and changing into her own sleeping
clothes - a soft tunic and pants.

Once he'd gotten comfortable, he climbed back into bed, and waited for
Roana to get comfortable. "If you could be anywhere on Pern right now,
where would it be?" he asked curiously.

"Am I supposed to want to be somewhere else?" she returned his
question with one of her own, "Because I don't."

"No, not necessarily. But sometimes, I think it would be nice to see
the snow up at Telgar, or one of the Harper Performances at the Harper
Hall. Of course, I'd want to have you with me," he explained.

"Hmm," She thought about it. What things had she never done that she'd
like to? "Swimming with dolphins. And I've heard wonderful things
about Ista Island, but I've never seen it."

"Oooh, yeah. I hear they have really nice glass there because of all
the sand. And Dolphins are really smart creatures, I've seen them at
that cove I took you to before. Nimyth loves to swim with them, they
jump and play games and such. We should try and go back there next
rest day and see if we find any."

Roana smiled at that thought. "I'm sure Phiralith would enjoy that.
She likes swimming in general, give her something to play with and
she'll be very pleased." The greenrider reached out, sliding her
fingers down J'klin's arm to lace their fingers together. "I would be
too."

J'klin squeezed her tightly once more. "I'm getting sleepy, Ro," he
said, kissing her neck. "But we should do that next rest day. Good
night, sweetheart."

"G'night, J'klin." Roana settled deeper into the furs, a quiet hum of
contentment escaping. Not long later, she was off to dream-land.

Last updated on the February 12th 2011

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Here's Where I Stand (2/2)