Realizations and Regrets

Writers: Eimi, Dana
Date Posted: 25th January 2009

Characters: U'kaiah, Traelyn
Description: Trae realizes U'kaiah attended the Dolphin Cove Hatching and goes into the Stands to face him.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 13, day 23 of Turn 4

When Traelyn had been younger, newly paired with Nyith, she had been intimidated by the thought that it would be her duty, after her queen's clutch hatched, to greet most of the new dragonriders, meet their families, answer any quick questions they had, see that the Weyrlingmaster was giving them pails of chopped meat for their dragonets before heading off to the feast to socialize with Pern's most elite (well, those who showed), dance, and if she had a spare moment to herself, cram some food into her mouth to keep her body going. She had wondered how she would have the energy to do everything expected of her and still seem like she was in control of the situation. What she hadn't known then, like she knew now, was that the energy she so desperately needed to get through the night already surrounded her, and suffused itself inside of her, adding to her own excitement so that she could ride its waves with ease. Tonight, she felt as though she didn't need that extra boost. All forty eggs had hatched healthy dragons: twenty greens, ten blues, six browns, three bronzes and one beautiful, dainty little gold, and she couldn't be prouder. Nyith's own pride melded with hers, and she was very content in knowing that Loseth had flown her quite well indeed and that her brood had chosen the humans right for them.

However, there was one unwanted emotion that swirled in with Traelyn's pride and joy, tainting her good mood: regret. Regret that U'kaiah hadn't shown. She had half-expected him to, since he had always made an effort in the past to come to Nyith's Hatchings and show his support. Of course, that had been before the disastrous downturn in their relationship. A frown creased her brow, and she crossed her arms protectively around her body. He hadn't come to Dolphin Cove all sharding month to see her, and she thought that he would have tried to. She thought he would have _wanted_ to. And especially today, since he would know that she would notice his absence. But he hadn't shown.

Shards, she had promised herself she wouldn't think about any of this tonight. She'd deal with it tomorrow. Tonight was the time for celebrating. She would find N'vanik inside, dance with him, then she would socialize, and then later she would find B'ram, dance with him, and then finally lead him back to her weyr and make love to him all sharding night. She didn't need U'kaiah here. It didn't matter that she had wanted him to come, despite everything. She didn't need him.

}:You do,:{ Nyith whispered gently in her mind. }:And he is here.:{

Traelyn was so shocked that she stopped walking.

}:It is true. Kalamath says that he is in the Stands.:{

Hope and dread filled her, but before she could stop herself, she had gathered her skirts in her fists and was rushing down the corridors back to the Stands.

~ ~ ~

U'kaiah had not been able to stay away, as much as he had told himself it would be for the best. Once news had reached him that the Hatching had begun, he just _had_ to be there. This was her big day. The biggest Hatching of her life. He could be man enough to face her, to smile and congratulate her and N'vanik on the fine Clutch they had laid, maybe even to shake the hand of the brownrider who would undoubtedly be by her side as the man she loved... It was funny. N'vanik had tried so hard to prove that he had always been the better man. Well it seemed there was certainly a better man in Trae's eyes, but it had been neither of them.

As he stood in the shadows he had been grateful to see that her red-headed lover was not by her side as she made her entrance into the Stands. It had felt so long since he had last laid eyes on her, and he could feel tightness in his chest as his eyes locked on her face. Shards she was so beautiful. Proud and dignified, the very picture of a queen's rider. He barely spared a thought for the bronzerider on her arm. Realization sank as he watched them that it didn't really matter who it was who had caught her gold. It would never be him. But it could have been. She had believed it _should_ have been. U'kaiah's reasons had seemed so important. His excuses for not being in the Flight had been heartfelt and genuine. The bronzerider had truly believed he had made the right choice. He was not free to just follow his heart. He was a Wingleader and his people needed him. And besides, she loved another...

But as he looked up in the Stands at her, all his certainty melted away. He could have had everything. He could have been a Weyrleader, he could have been her constant lover and companion. He could have been the one celebrating the Hatching of a golden dragonet this day, and be the one on her arm sharing this experience with her. It could have been him, and he had given it all up, for what? Was it really worth it? Dragonsfall would have moved on without him. They had lost plenty of good men before. Was succeeding D'wrayt really so important? Was fighting alongside his friends really more important than sleeping next to the woman he loved? Was watching his son grow into a man more important than having a life and a family with her? For the first time, doubt and regret had filled his mind and no matter how many times he told himself that he had made the right decision, every cheer from the Stands pricked his heart and made his gut tighten into a jealous knot. It could have been him. It _should_ have been him. And maybe if it had been him, she would not have given herself fully to that other man.

He didn't even watch the Sands as the gold egg rocked back and forth. Instead he watched her face, so full of hope and pride. And then beamed with joy as a cheer rang out from the crowd. As the Stands emptied with murmers of excitement at the new pairing, walking off towards the inevitable feast of celebration, U'kaiah stood rooted to the spot, staring up at the chair she had sat in, now left empty as she too had hurried off to offer her congratulations to the new pair. He couldn't face her or anyone else. His heart was too full of angry bitterness, and it was all directed at himself. There was no one else to blame. She had _begged_ him to come, but he had brushed it off with so many carefully thought out reasons. Reasons that seemed so trivial now that the realization had hit that he had lost his chance. He had lost _her_.

The hum of excitement had died down as the Stands had cleared of people and he was left alone. Alone with cold stone and a thousand pieces of broken shells. All this could have been his...

He stepped down to wander along a row of benches, watching the dim light play across mottled shells of white, green, blue, bronze, and brilliant gold. U'kaiah could have had everything, but none of it mattered. There had been only one thing that would have made it all worth it - Traelyn. But instead he had pushed her away into the arms of a man who would be by her side every day. Not just on restdays, not just when it was convenient. A man who would have no Wing or Weyr to put before her. A man who could just spend his days making love to her in the light and holding her in the darkness. He flopped back against the cold stone bench and stared out across the Sands strewn with shards that gleamed like a thousand blades cutting at his pride, at his heart, silently accusing him and berating him for the choice he had made. It had all seemed so right at the time, but now...

"U'kaiah."

Startled he looked up, eyes wide, at the sound of a painfully familiar voice murmuring his name. He stared silently at her face for a moment, almost unsure that she was really there. She wasn't supposed to be there. She was supposed to be with the others. This was her big day. Why did she have to come? To torment him? To accuse him? To watch him wallow in his shame? Of course she would come. It was only right that he would have to face her like this. It was his punishment, and he felt it down to his core. He couldn't look at her. Jaw tightening, he turned his eyes back to the shimmering sands, to those empty shells. Looking at her was just too painful right now.

She hesitated, wanting to reach out to him, but not at all certain how he would react to a simple touch. His face was as hard as stone, and his eyes... Shards, his eyes burned with a myriad of emotions she couldn't name. If his eyes had been as cold as his expression, she wouldn't have hesitated to sit beside him, still and silent before he decided to break the silence. Brutal cold in a person she understood, but this was U'kaiah. And those burning eyes of his kept her from doing anything that would provoke him. And so she stood there, gazing helplessly down at him.

Shards he wished she wouldn't look at him like that, just staring. He wished she would yell at him, scream at him, tell him all the ways he had hurt her and let her down, tell him about her lover and make him burn with angry jealousy that he could turn on someone, _anyone_ but himself. Self-loathing was an emotion that was rare to him and he just wanted to wallow in it in peace. It was too hard not to reach for her and beg her for comfort, for forgiveness.

Shards, this was too much. Carefully she leaned back against the railing, painfully aware that he was purposefully not looking at her. He had never ignored her before, and even if he did want her to leave him alone, she wasn't going to do it. If he truly wanted to be alone, he could stand up, brush past her and leave Dolphin Cove. But by Faranth she wasn't going to give him that chance. "I didn't think you would come today," she told him quietly, finally breaking the strained silence.

"Please, Trae, don't," he murmured, sighing deeply as his eyes fell to the ground.

"Don't what, U'kaiah?"

"Don't say anything." The bronzerider's eyes lifted to hers. They hid nothing of the jumble of emotions he was feeling, of the pain that tore at him from every direction. "There are no words, Trae. There are no words."

Frustrated, she looked at him. Couldn't he see that she was trying? "So, what, do you want me to just stand here and stare wordlessly at you all night? Is that what you want me to do?"

"No," he whispered, feeling no better now that he had drawn out the anger in her. It wasn't what he had wanted. This was not how he wanted it to end. "Come here."

Traelyn blinked, brows arching together as she slowly came closer.

He reached out to wrap his fingers around her waist and pulled her even closer. Shards, how he wanted to fold her into his arms, touch her, caress her, beg her for forgiveness, beg her to take it all back. But choices had been made by both of them, and there was nothing to be done but live with the consequences of those decisions, no matter how hard they might be. Regret filled him once more as he leaned his forehead against her stomach, wishing he could just bury himself in the comfort that she had once offered him so freely with such easy affection. But it was too late for that now. They had known from the start that things would never be the same again. They had taken the risk, and it seemed had lost this game of chance. It was a bitter pill to swallow.

Her fingers curled tightly into his dark hair, squeezing gently as she gazed down at him. After watching all the eggs hatch today, especially the queen, had it finally hit him that such a large clutch and the little gold could have been his and Kalamath's? Had he finally realized that he could have been the one on her arm tonight? That he could have been the one she would have lead to her weyr, to her bed? Her throat tightened with regret, one hand slipping down to the back of his neck, fingers caressing. Even if he did regret his choice, it didn't make her feel as good as she thought it would have. And even if he did regret it all, both of them had said hurtful things to one another that could never be taken back. But...could they move past everything? Would she be able to forgive him? Would he be able to forgive her?

The way she touched him felt so comforting and gentle, it was almost like a hot painful brand to his heart. His fingers gripped her even tighter as his head nestled into her, feeling her hands against his skin, feeling her warmth against his body.

**I can't do this...** his mind whispered softly, feeling a sting of tears at the corners of his eyes. **I'm not strong enough to do this...**

}:I am here,:{ Kalamath assured his rider, his tone colored with deep hues of love. }:You will not be alone.:{

The way he grasped at her body sent a shiver of anxiety running through her. There was something almost desperate in the way he buried himself against her. Her fingers spanned the base of his neck, tightening slightly to let him know without words that she was here. Despite it all,she was here, and she wasn't going to be the first to let go.

That was his job. Reaching up he covered her fingers with his. He took a deep breath. This was for the best, for both of them. If he repeated it enough times, he just might start to believe it. Standing at last, her hand still in his, he looked down at her for a long moment, his sad eyes meeting a gaze filled with worried confusion. His other hand trailed a finger down her cheek. He just needed to touch her, to feel her once more. "Tell your Weyrleader that it was a fine clutch, one you both can be very proud of. I'm...I'm very proud of you, Trae. You did well." Before she could say anything he brushed past her, his hand lingering in hers as he pulled away until she quite literally slipped through his fingers.

Shocked, she stared after him, watching him walk down the stairs to the Sands. He couldn't mean it. He couldn't. "U'kaiah." He didn't stop. "U'kaiah!"

The bronzerider paused on the bottom step, his hand reaching out for the rail to steady himself. He was so tempted to look back at her. Just one more look. But it was for the best, for both of them, he reminded himself as he took that final step down onto the burning Sands. **For _both_ of us.**

Last updated on the January 27th 2009

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Realizations and Regrets