His Decision

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 15th September 2008

Characters: Traelyn, U'kaiah
Description: U'kaiah informs Trae of his decision.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 11, day 20 of Turn 4

Despite the warmth of the sea breeze over her Weyr, the bronzerider shivered as they came out of /between/. U'kaiah knew it was late in Dolphin Cove, but he just had to talk to her.

**Please ask Nyith if Trae can see me now.** He had learned from his last unexpected visit that a little warning was prudent. Besides, it gave him a moment to collect his thoughts.

Nyith, who was just a bit disgruntled at being woken from her nap, relayed to Kalamath that, yes, his rider could see hers. }:She is in her weyr,:{ the queen added sleepily.

They came in for a gentle landing. Kalamath was careful not to disturb the grumpy queen too much. He knew her time was close at hand. U'kaiah slipped off the bronze's neck and after giving the gold a polite bow, he entered the weyr. "Trae?"

"You're here awfully late," she smiled up at him from her relaxed position on the sofa.

"I know, I'm sorry," he said with an apologetic smile. U'kaiah gently plucked the book out of her hands, and, careful not to lose her place, set it aside. "But I really need to talk to you."

She propped herself into a more upright position. "You've thought about it?"

Kneeling so that he would be more on an eye level with the goldrider, U'kaiah nodded. "I have. I have thought about it a lot." He reached for her hand, wishing he knew a way to say the words without hurting her. It was best just to be straight forward. "I love you, Trae, but I just can't."

Her smile slowly faded from her face as she stared at him, stunned. "What?"

He wished she wouldn't look at him like that. It was almost enough to make him change his mind. Almost. "I want to be with you every day, Trae. I do. And that is the only thing that made this decision hard for me. But it isn't enough to outweigh all the other reasons why I can't be your Weyrleader."

She went very still, hand slack in his. "Other reasons?" she asked quietly.

"Yes, other reasons. There's my son, there's my wing and my riders, my Weyr. So many things to consider..."

**B'ram was right.** The blood rushed from her face as U'kaiah's words sank in, and she quickly turned her head to hide the reaction--an act of sheer self-preservation. Yanking her hand from his she stood, fighting for control. "Your Wing and riders would be able to adapt to Wingleadership changes. Dragonsfall has an abundance of bronzeriders. Losing you wouldn't devastate the Weyr."

U'kaiah stood and placed his fists on his hips, hanging his head in frustration. He knew she was disappointed, but she had to understand. "It would devastate _me_. I have fought and bled with those riders, I know their faces and names. I grew up with many of them. I feel each loss personally. I can't just leave them behind."

Furious, she stared at him. Did he think he was the only bronzerider on Pern who was going to have to sacrifice something to take the chance? "I thought you _wanted_ to be Weyrleader."

"I do. But I want to be _their_ Weyrleader, Trae." He ran his fingers through his hair, knowing that this was not going well. "At Dragonsfall I have earned everything I have achieved. Everyone knows that. No one here knows me as anything but the Weyrwoman's lover. If I won, they'd all wonder if I didn't win by default, and frankly so would I. When I become Weyrleader I don't want anyone to question my qualifications."

"Question your qualifications?" She couldn't believe this! "Every single bronzerider who will be contending in this flight has achieved everything at their native Weyrs--just like you. The whole point of an open flight is to give those hardworking bronzeriders the opportunity they haven't been able to achieve yet at their own Weyrs! There is no _shame_ in that, U'kaiah."

"Well as far as I know I'm the only one of the bronzeriders who's sleeping with you on a regular basis, so I'd say my qualifications look a little bit different to an outside observer." The bronzerider knew it was a low blow but her last comment had hit a nerve. He knew he had not been chosen to lead his own Weyr and it tore at him every time he lost that deciding gold Flight. But U'kaiah would rather go /between/ before admitting defeat and slinking off to another Weyr where his road to the leadership had been smoothed for him.

Her cheeks flushed a dull, angry red beneath her tan. It was the worse thing he'd ever said to her--and the implications stung. "So that's how you really see me, then."

"No, love," he said more gently, realizing that he had let his annoyance color his words when he shouldn't have. "That's how they see _me_."

"And appearances are everything, aren't they? Especially to you." Bitterness tinged her words. "It would be different, then, if I was Dragonsfall's Weyrwoman, not Dolphin Cove's."

"When it comes to leading a Weyr, you better believe appearances are everything." Shards, she made him sound like some egotistical wherry's ass when she said it like that, and it hurt. "Whoever your new Weyrleader will be, they will be judged solely on appearances from the start. What else have your people got to go on? I don't have to worry about that at Dragonsfall. They already know me, and knew me long before I ever even met you."

**B'ram was right.** But instead of showing just how hard his words had hit home, she lifted her chin, refusing to admit defeat. "Then transfer. If you're so concerned about your appearance, work up the ranks here."

"Oh for Faranth's sake, woman, have you not heard a single thing I've said? I don't belong here!" Why could she just not accept that? "No Weyrleader in their right mind would appoint me to any position of leadership from the start. Not with my record! Do you know how long it has taken me to work up through the ranks at Dragonsfall? I am a Wingleader, Trae. I lead my riders into battle against Thread. It's what I do. It's who I am. I will not go back to being a rank and file rider. I'm much too good a Wingleader for that."

And there it was--the finality in his tone had decided it, for both of them. Turning her back to him, she pinched the edge of her nose hard enough to keep the burning in her eyes at bay. "Then go home, Wingleader."

"What?" She couldn't honestly be kicking him out. Not like that. "No. I want to talk about this."

Her temper, white-hot, came flooding back and she whipped around to stare at him. "What more can you possibly say to me about 'this', U'kaiah? You've denied Kalamath to Nyith, yourself to the opportunity, to Dolphin Cove, which could only benefit from your experience in the air and on the ground...and to me. I'd say you've made it quite clear where you stand on 'this'."

"And I think you're turning 'this' into more than it has to be!" he shot back, no longer holding his temper in check. "This doesn't have to change anything. You and I will still see each other same as always. You will have a new Weyrleader. That's the only difference. It changes nothing between _us_."

"It changes everything," she snarled, hurt...and insulted. "You expect me to just _forget_ the fact that I've learned that my lover is blinded by his ambition? And that he passed up the one chance where he could have had everything?" She shook her head, jaw clenching. "We both could have."

"Look, I know you're disappointed, but you never asked me if I would want to be a part of this. I mean what did you think? That I would be so desperate for power that I would drop my whole life and jump at the chance? That I would leave everyone and everything behind if it meant I could slip through your Weyr's back door? There may be some bronzeriders who think so little of their own abilities that they would need such an offer, but not me. I will be Weyrleader at Dragonsfall or not at all."

An awful silence fell as Traelyn gazed at him, searching his stony expression across the distance separating them. His arrogance and accusations left her breathless with cold fury. "Well," she finally said, "it seems like I've misjudged you. I should have known better than to expect anything but a restday from you in the Turns to come--when it's convenient for such a gifted Wingleader to deign visit, of course." She shrugged a shoulder with a casualness she did not feel at all. "And that's my own fault. After knowing you for so sharding long, I should've seen. But appearances can be deceiving."

It was as sharp as a slap in the face, one that U'kaiah wasn't all that sure he deserved. "You knew when we started. We _both_ knew." For Faranth's sake, did she forget so easily just how careful they had been in the beginning because they knew the harsh reality of such a relationship during a Pass. "I made sharding sure you understood how hard things would be, but we both decided that it was worth it. I _still_ think we're worth it."

"And if you become Weyrleader?"

"What's the difference? You'll still have me on all the restdays I have to spare." Though he had to admit even to himself that their time would be even more limited. But that was the price that had to be paid. There was no getting around that. "Nothing will change, Trae. Especially not how I feel about you."

"Do you honestly think that your Weyrwoman and my Weyrleader wouldn't have a problem with that? It's acceptable now, but only because you're a Wingleader." Her eyes flashed. "Our Weyrs would suffer from the tension between you and your Weyrwoman, between me and my Weyrleader. Maybe not in a Turn, maybe not even in two, but they _would_, U'kaiah."

He took a step closer, reaching out touch her, to reconnect and reassure her that he would not let that stop him. "They would just have to learn to live with it. You're making it work now. We'd make it work then."

It was the last argument she'd had, and he was obviously determined to keep his course. He wouldn't be swayed by anything she did or said. Her throat tightened as she looked at him. B'ram was right.

"If this weren't a Pass, Trae, things would be different. But this is the time we were born to and there's nothing we can do about that." He wrapped his fingers around her hips, wanting to pull her close. "It's not perfect, but we're worth it, Trae. We're worth making it work."

Traelyn's hands went to his, slender body stiffening as she resisted his touch, his words. He had torn into her, brutalized her emotions. Couldn't he see that? Couldn't he read it in her face? If he would take the chance, they may not have to "make it work"...it would just work.

"Trae," his whispered, feeling the wall that was growing between them. He leaned his forehead against hers, wishing he could just will her to understand. "Nothing will change, love. I promise, nothing will change. It will be all right."

**That's where you're wrong.** She turned her head away, unable to bear it. "I can't talk about this anymore." Her hands tightened around his wrists as she tried to slide his hands away from her body. She needed space--was desperate suddenly for it. "I can't."

"All right, we'll stop talking about it for now. Let's talk about something else." He had said what he had needed to say. Now he just wanted to get back on steady ground. Whenever they fought he always felt unsettled until it was resolved.

"No." Shaking her head, she backed away a couple steps.

His hands hung in the air where they had gently held her moments before. They fell limply to his side helplessly. "Please, love, let's not leave things like this. I know you're angry at me, and I wish there was something I could say, but there isn't. I'm not doing this to hurt you. Tell me you understand that, at least."

"It's late, and I have Threadfall tomorrow." She wouldn't look at him, purposefully avoiding his eyes, just like she purposefully avoided his question. "I need you to leave."

They stood in silence a moment. U'kaiah wished she would make some kind of move, any kind that acknowledged him. But he knew her well enough to know that this meeting was over as far as she was concerned. "I'm not doing this to hurt you, Trae," he murmured one more time, knowing that for today that was all the resolution they would have. With a frustrated shake of his head he turned and walked back towards his waiting bronze.

Last updated on the September 15th 2008

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His Decision