Too Much

Writers: Dana, Clancey
Date Posted: 20th August 2008

Characters: J'darin, Traelyn
Description: Traelyn finally brings up Nyith's upcoming flight to J'darin
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 11, day 17 of Turn 4

J'darin

He had rested, though not comfortably, and he was still struggling with himself over the entire accident. What could he have done differently? The Healers said he would be fine, and so would Hasaarth. But how fine would they really be?

He sighed, turned his head a bit, and started to go to sleep when he heard soft, familiar footsteps outside the curtain. Rousing himself, he summoned a smile for Traelyn as she appeared.

"Hey," she smiled back, easing down into the chair beside him. "How are you feeling?"

He arched his eyebrow, a familiar expression. "Do you want the truth, Trae?" A faint echo of some unusual emotion was in his eyes. His voice softened. "I ache and I am bored. Bored already! You would think I'd be glad for a reprieve from hidework. But Healers make poor conversationalists... 'sit still, drink this, rest'." He snorted.

She grinned. "Well, when you're allowed to move around a bit more I'll be sure to bring you some hidework," she teased. "Then you'll be cursing my name and wishing vainly for the early days of recuperation."

He smiled faintly, but it vanished quickly. "I could never curse your name, Weyrwoman. You are nothing if not an exciting partner..." His voice lowered, almost shy. "...and a good friend." He looked away from her as he spoke, knowing even as he spoke he spent less time with Traelyn than ever in the recent months. He almost longed for their first days of knowing one another - at least there had been time then.

She reached out and touched his hand. "You too, J'darin," she replied gently. Shards, this wasn't going to be an easy conversation, and his statement was making it harder for her to come up with the right introduction. But she couldn't put it off any longer. Nyith's time would be soon, and he had to know what she was planning on doing. "There...there's something I need to talk to you about." She was counting on the good relationship they had with each other to anchor this conversation.

Startled at the tone of her voice, he turned back to her, blue eyes going wide in inquiry. "Is there something wrong, Trae?"

There wasn't any way she could put this lightly...though her tone was a quiet one. "Nyith will be rising at the end of the month."

He blinked rapidly several times, struggling to sit up. "Oh.. Trae!" He was quiet a moment, thinking furiously. "We'll be better! Healers always over-estimate how long it will take. We'll be better." He added the last fiercely, unwilling to admit defeat.

"J'darin....you know Pacham is right. And the dragonhealers."

"No! I don't know they are right. *I* am your Weyrleader, Traelyn. And Nyith is Hasaarth's mate! No one else. We will be better. We -must- be better." A frightening dead look filled his ocean blue eyes. Scarred was bad enough. Scarred and no longer Weyrleader... someone else in -his-
place ...

It was too much.

Shards, this wasn't going well at all. "You _cannot_ force yourself--don't you dare take any risks, J'darin. You and Hasaarth are still healing. If you both put strain on yourselves trying...." There was a true flash of fear in her eyes as she looked at him. "Things will be far worse after." No matter how fond Nyith was of Hasaarth, during a mating flight all bronzes were the same to her--and the queen would only allow the strongest to claim her.

Her fingers tightened on his arm, willing him to think rationally. "It'll take time, but you'll heal. You and Hasaarth both. And this isn't her last flight, J'darin."

The life did not return to those eyes. A chill as cold as /between/ rolled from them, swallowing him whole. "We will heal." Rational was not in him; not today. "I can't imagine anyone else by your side, Traelyn."

She could...but only one other. "Don't let pride make you act rashly."

"Pride? Perhaps it is pride. But we _belong_ here. I will have nothing left, then. A scarred bronzerider not good enough for anything, any more." He finally drug his lifeless eyes to her face. "I've done terrible things as Weyrleader of this Weyr. I have killed myself repeatedly over the last turn. No friends, no one who understood, and not even a lover until the last few months with Maurgen... and even she is growing more distant from me." His tirade faltered. No one would understand what this would do to him. Not even Hasaarth.

"And now we aren't good enough, strong enough, fast enough. What else is there for us, then? After _you_ and this Weyr?" He fell silent then, but those scary eyes remained on her face.

"But you say we will heal." It was barely a whisper.

"Yes," she whispered back, gripping his arm with both her hands. "You will heal, J'darin. You _will_." To see such an expression in those eyes unnerved her. But Hasaarth would keep him grounded--would keep him from utter defeat.

"On the outside." He said, and finally looked down at where her hands gripped his arm. He felt disconnected from himself, and the hard grip of her fingers. His eyes were no more lively as he looked back up to her face. "Do you think you will still... talk to me?" Sometimes she was all that could knock him from a temper.

He sighed. He probably wouldn't have any more reasons to get in tempers, any more.

At any other time, she would have snarled at him for such an idiotic question. She didn't snarl, but her tone was as firm as her grip. "Just because the leadership is changing doesn't mean our relationship has to. You know that, J'darin."

He shook his head. "A short time ago, I knew I was Weyrleader. Now I don't know anything." He fought with himself for a minute more, not sure what to say to her now. "All I know is that you'll do what you have to do, Weyrwoman." He nodded in support of her, trust in her judgment. He touched her hand with his, clinging to it, still arguing in his head. So many feelings, so many words, so much to share... but it didn't come out.

All he managed was a quiet, dead sounding, "I think I need to be by myself now, Trae."

She gazed down at him for a moment before nodding, reluctantly standing. "All right," she murmured. Traelyn didn't want to leave him in such a state, but what else could she say? She let her fingers caressingly slide away from his arm. She knew nothing she could do or say would make this easier for him to bear. Maybe it would be best to leave him alone, though she hated to do it. She just hoped Hasaarth would be the anchor of strength that J'darin needed.

He didn't smile, but he did watch her go with a faint hint of longing curving his lips. He didn't know if even Hasaarth with be enough for this... but surely...surely he would be.

"Goodbye, Trae." He whispered after her, not sure if she heard him or not.

Last updated on the August 24th 2008

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Too Much