Regret

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 2nd July 2008

Characters: Traelyn, U'kaiah
Description: Trae reveals a small glimpse of her past to U'kaiah
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 10, day 21 of Turn 4

The glows were turned down low, and the softness of the light blurred the sharp edges of the walls and furniture around them so that the only sharp images were her bed--and him. U'kaiah lay propped up against the pillows, one tanned arm wrapped around her while his free hand traced the bare skin of her arm in soothing motions. Blinking her long hair out of her eyes, Traelyn glanced up at him, but his eyes were shut...lost /between/ in his own thoughts. With a quiet sigh, she rested her cheek back down against his chest, rubbing her cheek gently against him.

Laying together with her in comfortable silence was so relaxing. Just feeling her warmth sink into his skin soothed away every tense moment of the past sevenday, swept away thoughts of Thread, drills, injured riders... The world boiled down to just him and her. As she shifted his hand reached up to cradle her head against him, just wanting to hold onto the moment for just a little longer.

Traelyn closed her eyes. "I wish it could've been yours," she said softly.

The bronzerider's eyes flew open, surprised as much at the silence being broken as her words. "Well... Maybe someday it will be."

"I just....when Pacham told me that I wasn't, I was relieved, but at the same time..." her voice trailed off, and she shifted uncomfortably. They'd talked about this before, but the conversation had been brief, and to avoid talking about it further, she had turned to losing herself in making love to him. But that had been days ago, and the thoughts of pregnancy and children kept on whirling in her mind. She needed to talk about it. Had to.

"You'll have a baby someday, if that's what you want," he murmured reassuringly, gently rubbing the muscles at the base of her neck.

She was silent for a moment, debating with herself, then--steeling herself--she whispered, "I was pregnant before."

U'kaiah's hand stilled for a moment, wondering just what she was trying to tell him. "Was that one mine?"

"No." She shook her head against him. "No. It was...well, I don't know whose it was. It was when I was young. At Far Island still."

She didn't often speak about her life there. It sparked his curiosity somewhat. "How old were you?"

"Nineteen."

"You didn't want to keep it?"

"Not then. I was....shards, I was so young. Mentally young." Her tone turned bitter. "To this day I regret it, U'kaiah."

His arms wrapped protectively around her, hearing the sadness in her tone and wishing there was something he could do. "You did nothing wrong, love."

"So they tell me."

Shards, this really bothered her. "But you don't believe them."

"I've made a lot of wrong choices in my life, love." Opening her eyes, she turned her face to stare up at the ceiling. "This was one of them."

He shifted to make her more comfortable, but didn't say a word of encouragement or to pacify her. Trae rarely every talked about her past or her problems, not without a lot of prodding on his part. If she didn't want to talk about what those mistakes were he wouldn't force her to, but he certainly wouldn't stop her, either.

Traelyn let the silence stretch. She didn't expect him to say anything, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to explain further. "All I know is that next time I am pregnant," she finally murmured, "I'm keeping the baby."

Something had obviously left a lasting and painful impression on her. "What happened, Trae?" he softly encouraged her, wondering if she just might open up to him this time.

She hesitated. "I....felt guilty."

"For what?"

"That baby...." She cleared her throat before continuing in a quiet voice, "It was the product of the wrong choices I'd made. Of months and months of lies. If I had carried it to term..." It would have been physical, tangible proof of her deceit.

"If carrying the baby would have caused you pain, Trae, then you made the right decision," he murmured softly, wrapping his arms around her tightly.

His tone made a lump grow in her throat, and she swallowed quickly, wanting to dispel the feeling. She had never spoken of this out loud before, not even to B'ram--although she knew he guessed. The words had come easy to her mind, but to actually _say_ them out loud...shards. It made her feel vulnerable. And she hated that feeling. Yet she couldn't stop herself from speaking. "It's hard for me to put it all behind me."

"But it _is_ behind you, love. We all made mistakes when we were younger, but we grow and change. You're not the same person you were then. You can't beat yourself up forever for mistakes a young and naive Trae made." If U'kaiah had held onto all the wrongs choices he had made in his past...
shards, he'd be crazy.

But she had been wallowing in the past for so long...sinking deeper and deeper as her relationship with B'ram grew stronger and stronger. "How do you forget?" she asked, voice a whisper.

"You don't forget," he admitted, knowing full well that the memories always stayed. "But you do have to eventually forgive yourself for being young and stupid."

"It's hard."

"Leave the past in the past," he murmured, gently nuzzling her neck. "You're not that young girl anymore."

"No," she murmured, brushing her lips against his. But it would take a lot of effort for her to forgive that young girl.

Last updated on the July 3rd 2008

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Regret