Fear and Validation

Writers: Dana
Date Posted: 18th March 2008

Characters: Traelyn
Description: Traelyn reflects on her past
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 9, day 1 of Turn 4
Notes: Follows "DCW: Just Tell Me Why"

Traelyn wasn't sure when B'ram had finally fallen asleep. And even though she was curled in his arms--even though he was so close that she could feel his breath on her neck--she felt a pang of loneliness. It wasn't a new feeling. Shards, she could recall how many times she had felt this way when she lay wrapped in a sleeping bronzerider's strong arms, his body pressed fully against hers, hand splayed possessively on her hip, in her hair....

**Why, Trae? Why can't one man be enough?** B'ram's demand echoed through her mind again, and her fingers tightened reflexively on the blanket beneath her. Shards, she wished she knew. All she knew was that it had started with revenge. She had gone to U'waki because she'd been so furious with L'kub for betraying her. She could remember the emotions roiling within her when L'kub came in from winning his first flight, looking disheveled, proud and yet humble...hesitant. It hadn't been his blue Versith's winning the green that had hurt her, it had been L'kub's admission that he'd slept with the green's rider before, and others, when she'd been a weyrling. Oh, the absolute shock and fury that had pounded her. She couldn't _believe_ that even though she had waited for him when he'd been a weyrling, he hadn't waited for her. Too hurt to think clearly, she had thrown him out of her weyr. Then she had gone to U'waki, a handsome bronzerider in his prime who'd been the first man to notice her for the woman she was becoming, and not just the slip of a girl who had Impressed the queen. By sleeping with U'waki, she had gotten her revenge.
But she hadn't stopped.

Something kept drawing her back to him, and that same something had pushed her to many other Far Island bronzeriders. Perhaps it was the attention they'd lavished on her that had lured her back. For Turns she, like many weyrbrats, had been privy to all kinds of juicy gossip concerning goldrider and bronzerider relationships, and had seen firsthand how they treated one another--the queenriders' haughty pride tempering the bronzeriders' cool arrogance. It was an intricate dance of quick wit and sarcasm--a battle of wills that Traelyn found fascinating.

But after she Impressed the Weyr's newest gold and had graduated from her weyrling class, that fascination had turned quickly into fear when it dawned on her that she was, in truth, a junior queenrider of Far Island. She went from being invisible and blending in with the Weyr's masses to becoming a young woman who every person, drudge, crafter, and dragonrider, knew of. Her private life turned into public knowledge. She _became_ the gossip that she'd listened to so intently just a Turn before. Though she loved Nyith with all her soul, to have her life change so drastically had been terrifying. And even though she was a goldrider, she didn't really _feel_ like one. Time and time again, she would somehow screw up her goldrider duties. Day after day, she was lectured by the senior queenriders, beautiful women who were so confidant in themselves and their abilities that they made Traelyn feel like an adolescent fool. Shards, how she had idolized them--the way they looked, the way they spoke, the ways in which they accomplished their duties without flaw (or so it appeared), their intelligence, the way they interacted with other riders--especially the men who courted them...

Even when those same men began to chase after _her_, she'd run in the opposite direction instead of engaging in the intricate dance she had once admired. After all, she was in a relationship with L'kub, and had been for a long time. She didn't _want_ anyone else--didn't desire to let a bronzerider she barely knew tumble her between the sheets. Traelyn closed her eyes, shifting closer to B'ram. Besides, she had thought that even if she did encourage their attentions, they would see that she wasn't the young woman they thought she was. She wasn't like the other queenriders of Far Island--not as beautiful or as smart or as clever.

The night she spent in U'waki's arms, however, showed her that even though she wasn't like the others, he hadn't seen through her...or hadn't expected her to be. He had lavished the kind of attention on her that the older goldriders received. He had engaged her in a battle of wits, had made no secret that he desired her, and not just for the gold she rode, but for her herself. As he had explored her body, caressing and tasting her, he'd called her "beautiful." She'd been flattered, and a sense of validation had stolen over her, pulling her completely in. That sense of validation is what had encouraged her to tentatively begin testing the waters and start accepting offers from men who she had previously fled from.

Her dark eyes flickered open again and she gazed at B'ram's sleeping face.
But she could never tell him that. Never. Especially since her explanation to his question involved L'kub, and they never talked of him. The memories were too painful for them both to relive. As her fingers caressed down his hard stomach to rest gently just below his navel, a part of her did wish, though, that she wasn't so afraid to give him her answer.

Last updated on the March 19th 2008

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Fear and Validation