Just Tell Me Why

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 17th March 2008

Characters: Traelyn, B'ram
Description: A tender moment between the two turns into a mess
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 9, day 1 of Turn 4

B'ram

The glows were turned down low, and the softness of the light blurred the sharp edges of the walls and furniture around them so that the only sharp images were her bed--and him. Traelyn lay propped up against a mountain of pillows, long pale hair tossed carelessly over them, lean legs crossed at the ankle, one tawny arm wrapped around B'ram, holding him against her while her other hand cupped the back of his neck, cradling his head against her chest. Shifting slightly, she looked down at him, a faint smile touching her lips as she began to massage his neck with her nails. Her smile grew wider when she felt him sigh, breath tickling her bare skin as it curled around the hem of her tunic. Slowly she moved her fingers up to his hair, then back down again, admiring the glints of bronze that gleamed in his red hair.

B'ram didn't know what to think, even as his eyes fluttered closed and his fingers curled into her tunic. It was comfortable laying here in her arms, listening to her heart beating against his ear. Comfortable, and yet, at the same time unusual. She had come on a day she was not expected. Her bronzerider would have left just that morning. He knew the time she spent with him was sacred. She never saw them both on the same day. But that was not the only strange thing. Traelyn had walked in, took his hand and just lead him over to his own bed, pulling him down onto the covers and wrapped him up in her arms. No explanation, no hint of a reason why, no demand for satisfaction, no words. Had it been Eleada he would not question it, but this was _Trae_, being sweet, tender, _loving_.
Did she want something? Did she need something? He didn't know. But as the minutes floated by, he could feel his body relaxing into hers, and it almost frightened him how real this all felt.

Now that Traelyn knew what his insecurity was, she was going to do everything it took to try and banish it. She had no intention of leaving him, and she wanted to show him her resolve. They had hardly exchanged any words since she'd arrived at his weyr, and she had to admit that the situation was a little uncomfortable. But she was trying to ignore it and just....relax with him. So far, her efforts were working--at least on her part. She felt relaxed. But did he? Traelyn knew that he was at least enjoying what she was doing to him, if those fingers tightening on her shirt were of any indication.

Her rhythmic motions in his hair were starting to have a very relaxing effect on him. So much so it began to loosen his tongue. "Hmm..." he hummed softly as her fingers gently rubbed the back of his neck. "Atreyn and I used to lie this way." Instantly he stiffened, realizing he had spoken the words aloud. Shards.

Her hand stilled against him, startled by his admission...and knowing they had suddenly breached a very sensitive subject. After a moment she forced her hand to resume its rounds. "It's a comfortable way to lay." Shards. She closed her eyes, inwardly wincing. What a reply.

Shards, this was turning into an awkward mess fast. Gently he uncurled himself from her arms and rolled off her, his head coming to rest on his own pillow as his eyes scanned the ceiling cracks rather than look at her.
"What's all this about, Trae?"

"What's what about?"

B'ram raised his palms to cover his eyes before he could lose his temper. When would she get that it was _him_ she was talking to. "Don't, Trae, please. You know what I mean."

She sighed, turning her head to stare up at the ceiling. "Does it have to be about anything? Do I have to have a sharding reason for everything I do?"

He couldn't detect any anger in her tone. Resignation, perhaps, but not frustration or anger. "I didn't say I didn't like it."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Shards, Trae, I'm sorry," he sighed, lowering his arms. "It's just... You're acting strange. I just want to know what's going through your mind, is all."

Embarrassed--and irritated that she was embarrassed--Traelyn clenched her jaw. "Isn't this what couples do, B'ram?"

They lay in silence for a few moments - a most uncomfortable silence. But that was nothing new for them. Finally he reached out and curled his fingers around hers. "Is that what we are?"

"What do you think?" she muttered--but she didn't take her hand away from his.

"I don't know. A couple usually means two." His voice was not accusing. He was as much to blame.

Shards. "Usually. But things are different with us." Always had been. She turned her head to look down at him, dark eyes meeting his. "Are we too sharding different to just...." her voice trailed off, frustration and hurt simmering just beneath the surface. "Isn't this what you want?"

**If either of us knew what we wanted wouldn't we have found it after a turn?** He turned on his side to meet her on eye level. "I want you. You know that. Is this what _you_ want?"

Traelyn looked down. "You know I want you."

"That's not what I asked," he murmured, looking down at their entwined fingers. "Do you want us to be more like a normal couple?"

Her palm shifted in his, index finger curling around his. "Don't you think we're entitled to trying it?"

B'ram gave her a humorless smile. "Normal couples don't come in fours."

"You're not answering my question." But....maybe he was. Was this his way of telling her no without _saying_ it? Traelyn could feel an angry flush creep up her neck, spreading to her cheeks. He had to be. She tore her hand from his, sitting up. Shards, what had possessed her to want to even try? Oh, that's right--her sharding feelings of _empathy_. Well, he could just fling it all to the Red Star for all she cared! Temper flashed in her dark eyes as she glared down at him. "I'm not giving him up," she snarled, knowing that he'd know exactly who she meant.

"Did I ask you to?" he asked, an edge of frustration in his voice. As if she would! "I know I'm no bronzerider, and you never could stay away from bronzeriders."

"Don't you dare throw that back in my face!" she hissed.

She wanted to turn this into a fight. He didn't want to let himself fall into that trap, but he could feel his own anger rising. "I'm not picking a fight, Trae. I'm saying I understand that you will always have a bronzerider or two waiting on you. I _know_ you."

"I wasn't always like this!"

**Don't lie to me!** his mind screamed. B'ram rolled and reached an arm over her, trapping her with his body. "Why, Trae? Why can't one man be enough? Shardit all, why can't I be enough for you? Tell me!"

She turned her face away from his, shaking her head, hands braced on his chest as she struggled against the tides of guilt, and old pains resurfacing. Memories of different faces flashed before her closed eyes, most of them nameless. But she could remember every single one of them and the nights she had spent with them between the sheets, brief moments during the day, pressed up against stone walls, in storage rooms, out in the sand with the ocean roaring behind them.... Her fingers tightened on B'ram's tunic, and she squirmed breathlessly beneath him, needing to sharding escape.

B'ram looked down into her dark grey eyes, so much like her sister's.
*Just tell me _why_...** But even as Trae curled her fingers into his tunic he knew she was not the one he wanted answers from. This was not what she had come here tonight for. She had tried to bring some normalcy to their relationship, and he had pushed them back into the very same pit full of poisonous memories they had tried so hard to climb out of. Trae didn't deserve this. "Shards," he whispered, rolling off of her body and releasing her. "I'm sorry, Trae. You don't have to answer that. I'm...
I'm sorry."

Her heart thudded in her ears as she lay there, staring up at the ceiling, his accusing question still ringing through her mind. Shards, he had no idea what it was like. None. As her panic from his confrontation receded, anger swiftly replaced it, and she curled her fists around the furs beneath her--anger not directed at him, but at herself. At the girl she had been. At the woman she'd become because of the choices she'd made that had shaped her, molded her.

Traelyn turned her head to look at the brownrider beside her. Would they ever stop drudging up the past? Sometimes she was able to forget when they moved together, whispering and moaning in the dark, but there was always a nagging in the back of her mind when she touched him, looked at him--a constant reminder that because he had known her all her life, he would always see her as the girl she had been. She would never escape. To escape would mean to cut him out of her life, and she just couldn't do that. She loved him.

Turning on her side, she hesitantly placed a hand on his chest, the material of his tunic rough under her fingers. No. It wasn't enough. Her fingers moved lower, gently sliding beneath the hem and up to touch his skin. Some kind of tension inside of her eased and she shifted closer, head coming to rest on his shoulder.

B'ram's hand covered hers as he turned his head to brush his lips against her forehead. "Can we just lay here like this? That's something couples do, right?"

She knew he felt guilty for demanding an answer from her, and that it was too late to take it back. To make it up to her, he'd be sweet to her, gentle and soft. But a part of her sincerely wished that he wouldn't be forced by guilt to treat her with a lover's tenderness. Resigned, Traelyn nodded and closed her eyes.

Last updated on the March 19th 2008

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Just Tell Me Why