Full Circle

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 3rd March 2008

Characters: Traelyn, B'ram
Description: Trae attempts to hide from B'ram, but ends up gaining a better understanding of him
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 8, day 25 of Turn 4
Notes: Refers to post "Some Things Never Change" (m8d12t3 -
http://www.triadweyrs.org/story.php?st_id=409)

B'ram

By his dragon's perfect brown hide, B'ram did not believe a word of it! _Working_?! She could have thought of something much more plausible than working, for Faranth's sake! The brownrider's nostrils flared as he stormed down the corridor towards the goldrider's office. Oh she'd be there all right, scribbling away at some hide that easily could be left until the next day, whether it truly was important or not. Come Thread or Rising, Trae would have done anything to keep their appointments before, and she had already missed one this sevenday.

"Working, my arse!" B'ram growled as he rounded another corner, sidestepping a drudge with a scowl not directed specifically at her. He would not be put off in this childish manner again! The brownrider wanted her tonight, and he knew she wanted him just as badly. And that was exactly why she was hiding - _hiding_ - in her office like a scared little girl.

He knew what had started this. It was that sharding admission she had made. Well, it was about time she realized the truth of it. She loved him. She didn't just need him, she didn't just want him, she _loved_ him.
And shard it all he loved her just as much! How dare she cast him aside just because she was afraid of her own feelings. How dare she punish him for putting a mirror up to her heart and making her see the truth of the matter. How dare she avoid touching him just because he wasn't her perfect sharding bronzerider!

Well, he was not going to stand for that. Not when he had risked so much just to be with her. Not when his heart was on the line too!

Traelyn gave a violent start as the door to her office slammed open. Her temper flared as her shaking hand smeared ink across the hide she'd been working on, and her head snapped up, lips parting to viciously berate whoever had so rudely disturbed her--and she froze. For a split second her blood ran like ice in her veins, all color draining from her face. The expression in his eyes had her on her feet in the next instant, hands splayed on her desk, nails biting into the wood as she firmly stomped down on the urge to run. "That door can only take so much, B'ram. If you break it, you fix it." The words came tumbling out of her mouth--and she knew she was back-peddling, searching in vain for a way out of this confrontation.

The brownrider's eyes flashed and his scowl turned into a sneer-like smile. He flung the door closed with a satisfying boom. "It seems to be able to take a lot."

She bared her teeth, doing her best to match his expression. "Keep banging it around like that and it _will_ break."

They could play this game all night. B'ram would not wait that long. "I don't give a flaming Thread about your _door_, Traelyn. You are hiding from me. Why."

Raising her chin defiantly, she glared at him. She would not admit that that was exactly what she was doing. She would not! "What part of 'I have to work late' didn't you understand?"

"The lying part," he growled as he began slowly walking towards her desk. "There are no lies between you and I."

Traelyn stood her ground. "What do you call _this_ then?" She jerked a hand to the ink-stained mess on her desk, heart thudding with anxious dread as he came closer and closer. Shards, she knew this was going to happen sooner rather than later--she _knew_ he would come for her. Well, she didn't have to let him push her around! She sharding wouldn't let him.

B'ram rounded the desk slowly, his eyes never leaving hers. She was caught and she knew it. "Who do you think I am, Trae? Your gullible bronzerider?"

She took a step back, eyes flashing defensively. "He's not gullible!"

"You're right. He's probably not. He just has no clue who he's dealing with." B'ram waved at the piles on her desk. "He probably eats every lie that slips past your tongue because he believes in the image you _want_
him to believe in. Well, I know you, Trae. I _know_ you. And I will not swallow any of it. It's not my fault that you want me. And shardit, it's not your fault either. There is no wrong in loving someone, even if they don't fit the perfect image! This game is over."

"I'm not playing any game!" Her tone was as desperate as her expression as she took another step back, and then another.

The brownrider's eyes narrowed. So that was how it was going to be. With one long swipe of his arm he swept her desk clean, hides fluttering to the floor unceremoniously. "Neither am I!"

She snarled at him, stooping to grab a fistful of notes. "What are you sharding _doing_! Do you know how long it'll take me to put all of this in order again?!" Furious, she flung the scraps of hides at him. "You sharding, scorched, thick-headed--"

He grabbed her hand as it extended out towards him, ignoring the scraps that fluttered to the floor. The brownrider pulled her to him with a firm, strong tug, wrapping his other arm around her waist and turning her so that she was backed up against the desk. She would not escape from him now.

Traelyn dug her fingers into his shoulders, nails scratching down his arms as she made a wild effort to loosen his hold. "Get off me!" she growled, wincing as his grip on her only tightened. And suddenly she was shoved completely up against him, hips aligned, lips locked in a kiss deep enough to leave her breathless.

B'ram's lips trailed down her neck with reckless abandon. They usually were so careful not to leave marks on each other, but this time he had a very strong desire to throw caution to the winds. Let her bronzerider see! He was there first! His fingers wrapped around her legs, pulling her up onto the very desk she had been hiding behind.

A snarling moan escaped her as her smooth legs wound around his waist of their own volition, hands yanking his tunic out of his trousers to touch the hot flesh beneath. A passion was now welling swiftly within her--an angry, vicious passion that needed an outlet. And that outlet was to be B'ram--the sharding man who had started all of this. So she submitted even as she fought him; shoved his hands away even as she clutched him to her; turned her face away from his lips even as she bit down on his shoulder to taste his skin.

This was how it had been in the beginning - heated and passionate, desperate and fierce, but above all angry and confusing. B'ram found himself physically satisfied, but emotionally disconcerted as he leaned his forehead against her shoulder. He had thought things were different now, but the same shadows haunted them - jealousy, bitterness, suspicion, pain. Shards, he was so tired of feeling this way. These feelings made him do things, to think, feel, and act in ways that were unnatural to him.
He never acted this way with Eleada, and never when he had been with Atreyn. Only Trae. **Who are you, B'ram? Who is this person you've become?**

Shards, what had they done? Traelyn closed her eyes and shuddered as she felt him rest his head against her shoulder. It shouldn't have been like this. Now that the edge of her wild fury had been dulled by physical satisfaction, she could sense the beginnings of that all-too familiar feeling of guilt seep into her thoughts, pained regret following quick on its heels. Her hand slid from his sweat-dampened hair to curl hesitantly against the back of his neck. She felt as if she'd jumped back in time to when she and B'ram had used sex to hurt each other, taking and giving fresh emotional blows to hide even older, deeper, emotional scars. With his confession and her admission, had they finally come full circle? Was _this_ the core of their relationship? And if it was, did she even want to acknowledge it?

Her dark eyes flickered open and she shifted against him. "The corner is digging into my thigh," she whispered, cursing herself for the slight tremble in her voice. She didn't want to appear shaken--weak.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, lifting his head and gently helped her down, though he didn't completely release her or put space between them. B'ram's hands rested on her hips, his face very close to hers as he tried to make sense of the thoughts racing through his head. This was not the man he wanted to be. "I don't know why..." **Why you bring these things out in me...** "I shouldn't have..." **Made you say words you were not ready to say...** Taking a deep breath he slowly released it, closing his eyes to steady himself. "How did we come back to this?"

Traelyn kept her eyes cast downward. "Do we even want to know?"

"Yes," B'ram replied firmly, his eyes rising to her face once more. "We _need_ to know. Or we will be stuck in this place forever."

She took in a deep breath, then let it out slowly, carefully reaching up to rest her fingers against his side. Shards, she didn't want to talk about it--any of it. It was habit for her to shy away from personal confrontation. But she couldn't bring herself to move away from him. She needed to stay here, for if they parted, unresolved, now.....

The accusation B'ram had thrown at her the moment he had stalked into her office had been true. She had been hiding from him. When she had admitted that she loved him, walls she had spent Turns building up around herself came toppling down, and she was left visible and vulnerable to him in ways she had never been before. That vulnerability had scared her so much she had fled without a single thought of what her running would mean to _him_.

Shards, she could remember being shunned by him, and what had transpired between them because of it. The bitterness, the anger, and the jealousy that had simmered within her had been terrible. And later, as she lay curled in his arms, Traelyn had made B'ram swear he'd never do that to her again. And here she was, doing the exact same thing that he'd promised to never do. Self-loathing flared within. Shards, what a scorched hypocrite she was. Her fingers tightened on his shirt. "I'm sorry...for hiding."

B'ram nodded silently, though he knew the fact that she had hid from him was not what had caused such a strong, fierce reaction in him. It was the fear that he had lost her, that her bronzerider had finally stolen her away. He should have known better. No matter how many times he told himself she loved him, she needed him, she wanted him, part of him believed it was only a matter of time. But if he was not careful, his fear could drive her right into that bronzerider's arms. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for what I said about... about your friend."

Are you? she wondered as she tentatively slid her arms around his waist. Even now, he wouldn't say U'kaiah's name. And it suddenly dawned on her. Faranth, he felt threatened. That was why he wouldn't say his name...why he wouldn't acknowledge U'kaiah as her lover. The only name he dared to tack on to U'kaiah's face was "bronzerider." "Your bronzerider," B'ram would say to her, a hint of a sneer in his tone.

Traelyn could remember him using that same exact voice when he, in a drunken, dark state of mind, had told her about her sister Atreyn's new lover, U'falo.

In an instant, flashes of a memory she had long repressed came flooding back to her. She could see in her mind's eye the shattered image of a once confidant brownrider as he stripped off his clothes, angrily displaying himself to her, demanding her to tell him just _why_ he wasn't good enough for Atreyn anymore. "Look at me! I'm strong!" he had shouted at her, standing stiffly in the middle of his rumpled clothes, wine bottle in one hand, shards of his broken heart glittering in his eyes. "I'm big enough! I'm good! Why wasn't I good enough for your siser, huh? She liked it, you know. For two and a half turns she couldn't keep her hans off me!"

Two and a half Turns....

U'kaiah and U'falo...U'falo and U'kaiah. Traelyn and Atreyn.... B'ram was suffering through it all over again.

A lump grew unbidden in her throat as pity and sadness mingled together, creating a different kind of emotion she had never felt for him before. Following her instinct, Traelyn gently pressed herself closer against him.
And as they stood there in silence, arms wrapped around one another, she knew, for the first time, what it was to emphasize with him.

Last updated on the March 3rd 2008

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