Our Journey (1/2) (PG-17)

Writers: Eimi, Dana
Date Posted: 20th February 2008

Characters: U'kaiah, Traelyn
Description: Traelyn tries to reconcile her feelings for both B'ram and U'kaiah
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 8, day 21 of Turn 4
Rating: PG-17

Traelyn hadn't been able to sleep. With a frustrated sigh, she shifted onto her side, watching the shadows caused by the soft light of the glows dance across the stone walls of her weyr. She wondered what time it was. Gently she touched Nyith's mind. It was very late, if her dragon's serene, dreaming thoughts were of any indication. That could only mean one thing: U'kaiah would be here soon.

Shards, what was she going to do? How could she face him after what she had confessed to B'ram--and to herself? The confession scared her. And it shouldn't have. When she had murmured to L'kub those same words Turns ago, she hadn't felt so vulnerable, and certainly not frightened. Admitting something like that shouldn't make a woman feel trapped. But she did. She felt caged.

During the days since her confession, she'd been avoiding B'ram, keeping her thoughts fixed on the coming restday when she could see U'kaiah again and submerse herself in him and their relationship...and forget. But now that the restday was here, she realized that she just wouldn't be able to.
Her mind was still wrapped around what had passed between her and B'ram. Bleak and passionate thoughts and conflicting emotions darted viciously around each other, whirling, leaving her as confused as never before. What was she going to do?

She loved B'ram. Traelyn shivered at the thought, pulling the ends of U'kaiah's tunic closer together, tucking her hand beneath her chin. But it was different than the way she felt for U'kaiah. In some ways, her feelings for B'ram went deeper than those she felt for U'kaiah, and that was frightening. Shards, B'ram was right about her. He knew her better than she knew herself, and she'd no idea until that night, when he'd pressed her up against the wall, keeping his fingers locked around her wrists, forcing her to admit to him--and to herself--what he already knew.

**Damn you,** she thought bitterly, shying away from the memory of his eyes when he'd coaxed her back to bed, holding her gently against him until she fell asleep. **Damn you.** U'kaiah should have been first. He should be the only one.

"Trae?" U'kaiah's voice whispered from the door to her sleeping chamber. "Are you awake, love?"

She stiffened at the sound of his voice, the blood draining from her face.
What was she going to do? Her panicked mind fumbled for a way to answer him, but the only sound that escaped her was a sleepy-sounding murmur.

A small, loving smile tugged at the corners of his lips. She sounded so tired. And rightly so. It was well past midnight and was into the next day. Though as far as his body knew, the sun had not even set yet. Usually Trae fought sleep long enough to greet him, but sometimes, like tonight it seemed, the day had just been too long. No matter. He would see her in the morning. She ought to be left to sleep. U'kaiah didn't want to wake her, but he did feel an overwhelming need to hold her. Quietly kicking off his boots, he slipped onto the bed and carefully snuggled up behind her. Gently, one arm slipped under her pillow while the other wrapped around her middle. His nose buried into her hair just behind her ear and tensions he didn't even realize he had been carrying melted away. They were together again. It was like coming home.

Traelyn forced her muscles to relax, but she couldn't make her heart stop pounding the way it was. Guilt crept upon her, threatening to replace all other emotions. He should be the only one. Why couldn't he be? She nestled back against him, fitting her body even closer to his, wishing that his presence would scare away the lingering images of B'ram.

U'kaiah's arms wrapped tighter around her as he tilted his head to kiss the side of her neck. "It's all right, Trae. You've had a long day. Just sleep," he murmured softly in her ear.

A part of her was tempted to roll over in his arms, take his face in her hands and kiss him and run her fingers through his hair, down his body, slowly seducing him until he wouldn't be able to think about anything but her and ways to satisfy her desire and his. But she couldn't. She'd be using him if she did--using him to forget about her troubles. And for a shining moment, she would forget. But after.... The thought of using U'kaiah for sex was enough to make her feel sick to her stomach. She almost had, one time, and it had turned disastrous. Traelyn closed her eyes, quelling the desperate voice that begged her to do it. "I can't."
**Not with him. Never with him.**

Of course, the bronzerider could not understand the meaning behind her words. He knew nothing of B'ram, or their twisted relationship. "Rough day?"

Traelyn started a little. She hadn't realized she'd spoken out loud. "Mm. A little." Which was an understatement, to be sure. Scrambling to find a way to divert his attention from her problems before he could ask about them, she whispered, "Care to take my mind off of it?"

"Hmmm," U'kaiah grinned, brushing his lips against the edge of her ear. "How can I do that?"

"Hmmmm...." She silently cursed herself for allowing that coy note slip into her tone. **Shards, Trae. What are you doing?**

U'kaiah smiled against the flesh of her neck as his hand slipped under the hem of the tunic she wore. "Isn't this _my_ shirt?" he asked in a low murmur, his finger tracing teasing patterns along her skin. "I think I'll be needing this back..."

"Oh? And just how are you going to get it back?" It was almost frightening how easy it was for her to slip into playful banter, as if nothing was wrong. Her hand moved of its own accord, pinning his to her body through the thin material of the tunic. She could feel his fingers move beneath hers--a sensual caress that left her a bit breathless with anticipation.

"I'm just going to peel it off of you." His voice was growing rough as he nipped gently at her neck. Shards, he had wanted to do this for days. All day it was all he could think about - knowing that night Trae would be all his. Or at least, so he thought.

With each kiss to her neck, with each playful nip, Traelyn found herself sinking deeper and deeper into sensation. Her back arched into his chest, limbs quivering as she closed her eyes, hands clutching at the sheets as his lips moved further down her neck, rough fingers roaming as his desire grew. But she couldn't surrender to him completely. A small voice whispered that this was wrong, that even after it was all over, she would still remember. Letting U'kaiah make love to her wouldn't erase what had happened between her and B'ram.

B'ram.

Her dark eyes were smoky with desire as they fluttered open, but her body's response to his began to slow. B'ram. Guilt that had been pushed back by sensation once again flooded her, and she moaned, a sound full of wanting and frustration as U'kaiah nipped her harder. She couldn't do this. One hand slid into his dark curls, holding his head to her chest. She couldn't. She felt the tip of his tongue trace her skin, followed by his teeth, lips. "Wait," she breathed, fingers tightening in his hair. "Wait."

He looked up at her, his brown eyes even darker with mounting desire, his breath noticably faster. U'kaiah noticed the change in her expression and it perplexed him. "What is it?" he asked, his forehead creasing with a sudden uncertainty.

Her palm slipped to his cheek, eyes filled with self-loathing, painful guilt. "I can't..." **I can't use you.** Her thumb traced his lips, and she closed her eyes, pale brows arching together. **I can't do that to you. I can't do this to me.**

The bronzerider gently slid along her body until he was looking straight into her face, his eyes full of concern. Trae had been so into it just a moment before. Something was wrong. "What's the matter, love?"

Shards. Traelyn shook her head, hand slipping to the back of his neck. "I just..." Her eyes opened and she gazed up at him. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I just...I can't tonight."

The selfish side, the side surging with needs at that particular moment, wanted to protest that she could just a few moments ago. But the rational side suppressed those feelings of frustration. This was Trae. If she said she couldn't, she couldn't. Something was wrong. That fact was much more important. "What do you want, Trae?" he asked gently, his eyes softening.

The expression on his face made a lump grow in her throat, and she buried her face in his neck. She could feel his desire, the harsh rising and falling of his chest against hers. She knew he didn't want to stop, but he did anyway. For her. "I want you to stay."

"Of course I'll stay," he reassured her, rolling onto his side to pull her close into him. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

She shook her head, eyes studying the line of his chest so she wouldn't have to look up into his eyes...so he wouldn't see the conflicting, confused emotions reflected in hers. "Can we--can we just...talk?" It was hard trying to whisper around the lump in her throat. "Please?"

"Sure," he nodded. "We can talk." Of course, he got the distinct feeling they would not be discussion whatever it was that was on her mind. Shards, sometimes he just wished she would let him in just a little bit more. Why was it when it came to her problems she couldn't just _tell_
him. What would it take for her to trust him? "Just let me get a drink of water, all right?"

Last updated on the March 2nd 2008

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Our Journey (1/2) (PG-17)