Answer Only to Herself

Writers: Kaysea
Date Posted: 7th May 2007

Characters: Xara
Description: Xara discovers an alternative to Impression
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 4, day 2 of Turn 4

It was quiet in the kitchens, the end of the day and she was one of the last to finish cleaning. The other candidates who had been assigned to cleaning duties had left a candlemark or so before, but she had opted to stay and finish to her own and the cooks satisfaction.

Not having to attend classes made her more useful to the Headwoman, but she would be forever grateful, if she ever managed to Impress, to never see the inside of the kitchens again.

"You _can_ go, you know." Aveery said, "You don't have to stay, I am quite capable of turning down the glows before we leave." The cook was not normally the last to leave, but tonight for some reason, he had opted to.

"I know, but what else have I got to do that is anything more worthwhile?" she smiled, "I just want to do the best I can, become indispensable." She shrugged.

"None of us are that, my dear." Aveery smiled, throwing his cleaning cloth into the basin, and brushing his hands together. "None of us. I would have thought you would have realised that by now, especially here in the Weyr."

"Well I don't mean like that." she dropped her gaze from meeting his, and stuck her hands behind her, pushing back and forwards against the bench she was leaned against. "I mean.. I want to be needed. Here, at the Weyr. Whether I.."

"..whether you Impress or not?" Aveery finished for her, nodding as he did so.
"Yes, I know, I can't say I haven't heard it time and again." His smile was gentle, as he walked towards her, "Have you spoken to the Headwoman? Or even paid attention in the classes you attended?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"You don't want to go back to your home cot, do you?" Aveery said, matter-of-factly, more a statement than a question.

"No.." Once again she lowered her gaze.

"Even if you don't Impress, you won't be made to go back home. You do _know_ that, don't you?"

"No.." she said, her eyes looking slowly up at him. A small glimmer of hope appearing.

"Shards girl! Are you blind and deaf? You don't think everyone of the drudges and workers about the Weyr were born and raised here, do you?"

"Well, erm. No?" Xara gave a self deprecating smile, "I ..well to tell the truth, urm, I never really considered that. I guess, I sort of assumed..."

Aveery rolled his eyes. "What did you listen to?"

"What to do after Impression. I - I kinda focused on that, figuring it was my escape."

Aveery shook his head at her, and gave a small tut of disgust. Turning he walked to the rack of mugs, and taking two down, walked across to the huge urn that was kept at a low heat all night. He poured two mugs of klah out and turning back to Xara he passed her one. "Grab a cold bubbly pie from under the towel there; and follow me." He jerked his head in the direction of the dining cavern.

"Take a seat, little one." he smiled, and dragged the chair out from under the table and indicated for her to sit down. "Okay, you want to tell me why you're so desperate to stay?"

"Not really." Xara shook her head, "It's just I know, this is my last chance to Impress and I know my father will reappear for this Hatching to see whether I am successful or not. I was always a convenient slave for him, so," she tilted her head and gave another a shrug, glancing down at the floor, "...I know he'll be coming to reclaim me if I don't Impress." She pulled a small part of the crust from the bubbly pie and put it in her mouth, chewing considerately.

"Well he won't have a chance really, you're old enough to decide for yourself, you know."

Xara paused about to deny this, but, suddenly she appeared to bloom in front of Aveery, "I - I never," her face brightened considerably, "I never considered the fact that I am old enough to make my decisions for myself. But," her face clouded again, "I won't be a candidate, so I won't be helping out as a candidate around the Weyr, what will I do?"

"What do you _want_ to do?" Aveery asked, talking a long draft of his klah. "What takes your fancy? You know, you can craft while staying here, admittedly you're older than most apprentices, but, you can still take on a craft. Unless.."

"Unless what?" her forehead creased in concern, and she popped another mouthful of the cold pie into her mouth.

"Unless you want to marry, and have babies?"

"Shards - No!" she almost choked on the mouthful of pie at his words, and shook her head in denial, "None would have me anyway." she managed to catch her breath and poo-poohed the idea.

"Why not?" this time it was Aveery's turn to look puzzled, and he stopped in the act of bringing his mug to his mouth for another drink.

"Because of the way I look." another shrug, and she dropped her gaze again. "No one has before."

"Have you looked at yourself since your arrival here? _Really_ looked at yourself?" he asked, leaning forward, and stooping down to meet her gaze to the floor.

"No.." she shook her head, "Not really, I already know what I look like."

"I don't think you do." Aveery reached out a hand and lifted her chin again, her blue eyes were liquid, as she met his gaze. "You're not the same girl who was first brought here. The shy, awkward, heavy girl. The one whose father gave away with the cattle."

Xara's mouth dropped. She started to rise from her chair, spilling the mug of klah across the table, and dropping what was left of her pie. "How.." she choked on the word, "How did you know?"

"Gossip, sweetling. Hateful gossip, but it does give insight into human behaviour." He calmly took another deep draft of klah, before drawing out the cloth he kept tucked into this waistband and leaned forward slowly wiping up the spilt klah form Xara's mug.

Xara bent to pick up the crumbled pie from the floor, grateful Aveery couldn't see her face. "Does everyone know?" the liquid that had filled her eyes moment's before, slid down her cheeks as she finally met Aveery's gaze. "Everyone's had a good laugh?"

"No, not all. Or at least not that I'm aware of." he shrugged, "And, as I pointed to to you, _you_ have _changed_. You are _not_ the lost little girl who was brought here." He smiled again, "Have you not seen the looks you have been receiving? People don't recognise you any more. Shards girl! Your own father will probably not recognise you."

"And that would be a bad thing, why?" she gave him a half smile,a s she wiped a stray tear from her cheek. His words had shocked her; but deep down she felt a special thrill - she knew he was right, she had changed, for the better - may be -
hopefully? She knew she was stronger, but every now and then the fear returned, the fear her father could well drag her back to what she had been before.

"You need to think, and think hard of exactly what you want to do with your life, if - and that's a big _if_, you don't Impress."

She nodded in agreement, "I know. I also know I want to be useful, useful around the Weyr, not just as a drudge, I want to contribute more, I know I can, I just don't know _what_ or _how_."

"I'd hate to lose you from the kitchens, but I know the drudge work can be deadening."

"It's not that!" she looked shocked, "I don't mind drudge work, its what my father brought me up to, really." she gave a small sigh, "But it can be mind numbingly boring." she admitted with a small smile.

"You could always stay and train under me?" Aveery suggested slyly. He held up his hands, "If you'd rather not, that's fine, but I have seen you help out when we've needed extra hands. You've shown initiative." he cocked an eyebrow at her, daring her to deny the fact.

"Well.." she grinned, "I do help out sometimes, but I didn't think I had been noticed, and Althera only asked me because I was handy at the time."

"Well if you would like, I can speak to the Headwoman and have you assigned to the kitchens as one of the assistants?" his smile widened, "You could see how hard a taskmaster I am; and - if you don't Impress, we could may be make it a permanent assignment? You'd become one of my apprentices?"

"Really? You mean it?" Xara could hardly believe that things were finally turning around for her. "I'd really like to give it a try." she nodded excitedly.
"Really!"

"Consider it done. I'll speak to Ylisahn in the morning."

With a lighter step than she had ever had before, Xara stood and collected the empty mugs and took them back into the kitchens. This really was a turning point in her life. Able to make her own decisions and answer only to herself.

Last updated on the May 10th 2007

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