The Strength for Mercy
Dragonsfall Weyr
Amber Hills Hold
Vintner Hall
Healer Hall
Hidden Meadows
Dolphin Cove Weyr
Dolphin Hall
Emerald Falls Hold
Harper Hall
Printer Hall
Green Valley Hold
Leeward Lagoon Hold
Barrier Lake Weyr
Sunstone Seahold
Citrus Bay Hold
Writers: Yvonne
Date Posted: 23rd November 2024
Characters: J'nus
Description: J'nus sits with Kapera in the Infirmary
Location: Barrier Lake Weyr
Date: month 2, day 8 of Turn 12
Notes: Mentioned: Kapera
TW: Grief, assisted suicide
The noise of the Infirmary dulled to roar, then a murmur. Presumably the Weyr did too as their guests left and the Completion Ceremony decorations were torn down and hidden away, bright things now tainted and shameful. J'nus didn't know what time it was.
Kapera was alive. Pale, sedated into merciful oblivion, Gather jewels winking from her ears and from the rings on her fingers. Her hair spread out the pillow in a nimbus of black. He could see the faint rise and fall of her chest beneath the bandages as she breathed.
He put his head in his hands.
She was everything to him, and Riyanth was gone. With her was Kapera. The woman he loved was gone. Her smile was gone. Her strength, her passion, the way she laughed and the tilt of her head and the way she'd look at him across a room, all gone /between/ with Riyanth. She should have died as well. Her body should have died. They should have let her die.
But she was still breathing.
No one would know if he kissed her forehead one last time. If he slipped the pillow from beneath her head and pressed it over her face until she stopped breathing. If they did, they'd say it was a mercy. That he did the right thing. She shouldn't be alive.
He couldn't will his hands to move, to take the pillow and cover her face.
Someone had tended to his hand and the white of the bandages was stark against the dark of his skin. Blood had dried in the cracks of his skin. J'nus had already killed someone tonight, when he'd thrown that man off Riyanth's ledge. Why couldn't he do it again? He was a murderer, but a useless one. He'd arrived too late to save Kapera or her dragon from the man who'd done this, and now he didn't have the strength to kill Kapera. He'd killed once. He should be able to do it again.
If he loved her, he'd kill her before she knew that Riyanth was gone.
If he loved her a little less, he could.
Kapera was gone. _His_ Kapera was gone, gone into the dark with her dragon. He was adrift, a planet knocked out of orbit, alone in the vast black.
}:Not alone,:{ Kopth said, }:I am here. I will always be here.:{
A sob escaped him and he clung to the bond he had with Kopth. Riyanth was _gone_, and Kapera would never hear her lifemate's mindvoice again. He had Kopth, but all she had was _him_. Flawed, weak, too selfish to let her go. She should go, but he couldn't pick up that pillow.
If he loved her, he would kill her.
He loved her, so he couldn't.
J'nus reached out and gently cradled her hand in his. Her skin was freezing and white as the bandages around his knuckles. She was going to hate him when she woke up. If she woke up. Perhaps she wouldn't. Perhaps the Healers would fail or her heart would shatter or he'd finally find the strength in the next breath, or the one after that, to do what he had to.
**Please don't leave me,** he thought, pressing his lips to the palm of her hand. **Please don't stay.**
Last updated on the December 8th 2024