Regrets From Before

Writers: Avery
Date Posted: 28th January 2017

Characters: Kapera, T'rin
Description: Kapera thinks about her relationships and gets sidetracked.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 9, day 19 of Turn 8

Kapera

As Kapera walked into the Dining Cavern, she scanned it to see who was
there. Not too many people were eating this late. A few dragonriders were
visible, but it seemed to be populated more by the lower caverns staff.
She bit her lip, considering the options as she filled in a tray with
food. She wasn't interested in eating alone with her thoughts – or in
being alone for the evening.

**When am I ever?** she asked herself as she went to a small table by
herself.

That wasn't entirely fair to herself. Being alone - it wasn't something
she'd ever appreciated, but over the past few Turns she'd been getting
better at it. At Dragonsfall it seemed like she'd been incapable of
spending more than one night without someone in her bed. She'd luxuriated
in the idea that so many men would seek her favor, and enjoyed the chance
to sample many wares, so to speak. And if she was popular because of the
color of her dragon's hide, if men sought her out to have a better chance
at her flight, had she cared? It was still attention, still gave her the
rush she craved. And if she felt any concerns over why, she'd never
entertained them for long.

At Windswept Islands, Kapera had lacked for bedpartners compared to her
time at Dragonsfall. There hadn't been as many people practically falling
over themselves in order to offer their bodies to her. How much of that
had been that she'd come back physically frail after her illness, thin and
less beautiful than she had been? Had she just not been desirable? How
much of it had been that she was a goldrider who rode a gold that wasn't
rising? How many bronze- and brownriders had thought her unworthy of their
time if they couldn't increase their chances of winning a flight? And
lastly – and most damningly, the thought that had haunted her in her sleep
- how much that she was socially an outcast, a failed Weyrwoman who'd had
to step down and abandon her responsibilities? Had men avoided her so no
trace of failure could contaminate them? Did the thought of touching her
sully their hands?

Oh, she hadn't been entirely alone. There were still those who were
willing to give her a tumble in the furs: old friends who she'd missed,
and men she didn't know who saw no reason to be reluctant in the face of
her obvious willingness. If some of it had been base lust, and some pity,
what did she care, she'd said? But she had cared.

Dolphin Cove had been starting over for Kapera. There had been fewer
people who'd known her before at either Weyr – fewer who remembered her as
an inadequate Weyrwoman, or who had seen her as a humbled, sick failure.
She was a pretty desirable choice once again – a goldrider every man could
admire and who the bronze and brownriders could hope to ingratiate
themselves with. It had been heady to see that men found her desirable
again.

And yet she hadn't played the field as much as she could have – would
have, in prior Turns. There'd been someone occupying her attention, a
familiar figure to think about. Someone whose presence attracted her, but
also intimidated her.

J'nus.

Kapera couldn't remember how long it had taken, if they'd danced warily
around each other before falling back into bed together or if they'd just
slipped back into it. He'd always been irresistible to her. There was no
overwhelming handsomeness, no thrill of sleeping of a man with rank, no
reason she could explain to others about why. She just knew that she'd
been _drawn _ to him for as long as she could think, and flirting with him
and falling into bed with him felt as natural as breathing, as natural as
being claimed by whatever rider's dragon had claimed Riyanth in a flight.

With him around to focus on, with the continuance of whatever had bloomed
between them, she'd stopped eying the field as much, though she'd never
gone completely monogamous. Didn't know if she had it in her. But she'd
been more faithful to him than she'd ever been to anyone else.

And then she'd been pregnant. Ended it /between/. Abstained for a few
sevendays to make sure she was okay. Not telling him because – why? She
didn't know, she just knew she'd thought about it and felt a sick feeling
in her stomach. So she'd said nothing, been more distant.

D'hol had won Riyanth's flight, not J'nus.

Nothing had _happened _ between her and D'hol. Outside of what inevitably
happened in a flight. She had been tempted – very tempted, he'd been
courteous and spent time with her when Riyanth hadn't let her leave the
Hatching Grounds – he hadn't been bad to look at. There were a few moments
when she'd thought -

He had a weyrmate. She rather liked Jeyme. Kapera had been able to
restrain herself from breaking that up by doing anything like seducing
D'hol. There was a time when she would have without care. But she'd
changed. For the better, most likely.

And somehow, things with J'nus had just fallen into neglect. She'd kept
meaning to fall back into the habits of seeing him for dinner, inviting
him over in the evenings, going away for a quick escape. But something
kept stopping her, and it hadn't just been the effects of Riyanth choosing
another dragon.

So she'd slept with a few other people since the /betweening/ incident.
Three brownriders, two blueriders, a bronzerider, one traveling
Journeyman...It wasn't a lot, for her habits. There was no reason for her
to feel guilty about it. And she didn't.

But she did miss J'nus. The whatever-it-was that they'd been building
between them. That was withering and dying without attention. And she
could blame him for it – or she could blame herself. But blame wasn't
going to fix it. Only action would.

**What if I reach out to him, and he doesn't want me anymore?** she
wondered. If she went to put work into this and then _ he didn't want her
_ , it would be the second-most humiliating thing to have ever happened to
her.

}:Go see Kopth's rider, then,:{ Riyanth interjected. The gold dragon had
no patience for her rider's ruminations. In images she conveyed her
opinion; if her rider wanted to mate with Kopth's, she should. If she
wanted to mate with others, she should. Why should Kopth's rider care if
she mated with anyone else? He should just be honored when she turned her
attentions to him.

Kapera laughed aloud. There was something so casual about Riyanth's
attitude towards males. After her first heartbreak, she'd tried to absorb
that for herself. Had succeeded, for a time. But when she actually longed
for a relationship, Riyanth didn't have comfort for her. Except for a
bolster of confidence, a reminder she was desirable and if J'nus didn't
want her anymore, it was his loss. She pushed aside the half-eaten meal,
intending to get up and head to J'nus' weyr.

Just then, T'rin dropped into the seat across from her without waiting for
her to acknowledge him. "There's a storm outside," the handsome brownrider
said.

"Really? I hadn't noticed." She'd been too concerned with the internal one.

"A bad thunderstorm. Lots of lightning and winds. But I have an idea," he
said, leaning forward.

"What is it?" she asked, curiosity stirred.

"Come watch it on my weyrledge," he said with a wink.

"I might get wet," she said, wrinkling her nose.

"I'd help you dry off, make it worth your while. What do you say, lady
goldrider?" he cajoled.

She hesitated for a moment, remembering that she'd wanted to go seek out a
different man. But there was a handsome willing man right in front of her,
making her feel desired and wanted. And how could she pass that up?

"After you," she said, getting to her feet.

She could spend tonight in pleasure, and reconnect tomorrow.

Last updated on the February 1st 2017

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Regrets From Before