Not Much of a Mother

Writers: Miriah
Date Posted: 24th November 2015

Characters: Ninaine
Description: Ninaine is faced with reality.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 2, day 27 of Turn 8
Notes: Mentioned: N'call, Aluka, T'lat

Ninaine

Staring down at the little bundle in her arms, Ninaine's face offered
neither smiles nor frowns. Instead, she felt an odd blankness of
emotion. The child that so readily fed at her swollen bosom
evoked...nothing. She knew that she should immediately love and
cherish the baby at her breast; it was what a mother was supposed to
feel.

Instead, she felt oddly disconnected, as though what had happened
really hadn't. As though the baby really wasn't a part of her, even
though her memory of birth was rather clear. She had been lucky, she
supposed. She had given birth fairly easily and quickly without any
complications. She supposed she could thank her hips for that, after
all, she'd always been told they were child birthing hips. Apparently
it was true.

She looked back down at the child and tilted her head to the side,
studying the infant. Her voice was soft. "You are beautiful." The
little baby appeared to have her father's looks, excepting maybe her
mouth. "You're lucky. Your father is very handsome, so I'm glad you
look like him." She held no illusions to her own lack of beauty. "I
think he loves you very much too."

Ninaine frowned a little more as she switched the child to her other
breast. Was it because she had a daughter? Would she have been happier
if she had given N'call a son? No, she couldn't say that was true. But
why couldn't she feel more connected to the child in her arms? She had
expected an immediate bond with the baby, the kind that other women
had once they gave birth. The kind that made the women glow and feel
fulfilled.

}: She is a fine little.:{ Luneth chimed in. }: Now that she is
hatched. I like her, even thought she makes those horrible smells. :{

Ninaine had to give a little laugh at that. Luneth's reaction to the
her first experience with a dirty mess had been comic. The green's
nose had immediately wrinkled and she had wasted no time vacating the
weyr. **You don't like anyone.**

}: Not many, no.:{ The green easily agreed. }: But she is a part of
you, isn't she? You laid her, so I like her. :{

Luneth's phrasing brought a smile to Ninaine's mouth. **Yes, she is
part of me, isn't she?**

}: Yes. But I like her more when she doesn't stink. :{

**I'm afraid I'm not much of a mother, Luneth.** It was hard for her
to admit that. She had been raised to be just that. **I don't feel
like I'm supposed to. **

Luneth tried to think about that for a moment. }: You don't ever feel
like you're supposed to, except when you are mating and even then you
feel bad after it. Even when Haloth's makes you feel very good. :{

**That's not true** Her face flushed.

}: You are always thinking that it's wrong and it's not the way you
are supposed to feel. On everything. :{ The green insisted, then
huffed. }: Why can't you just feel things or not feel things and not
worry about whether or not they are wrong? :{

Ninaine mentally sputtered. **Because somethings are just...**

}:Wrong?:{ Luneth snorted. }: And you wonder why I don't like people.
Because you don't either. You don't even like _you_. :{

Ninaine looked stricken. That wasn't true. She liked plenty of
people...didn't she? There was N'call and Aluka and T'lat...and...her
mind went blank. Was that it? Only three people that she could call
friend? She looked down at her child and tried to figure out what that
was.

Her dragon answered her. }: You fight what you want too much. You have
all these feelings that you only let me feel or see. :{ Luneth spoke a
little more softly, a little more gently. }: It's hard to feel them
all the time alone, Mine. Let them out. Feel them. Even Haloth's has
to make you angry or make you very sad before you show him anything.
:{

Ninaine bit her lower lip and stared down at her daughter. Her lip
quivered as the newborn blue eyes opened and met her own gaze.
**I...**

}: It's okay to show. It's okay to be scared. I love you. :{

She was scared, she realized. Deeply scared that she wouldn't be a
good mother. That she wouldn't be able to love a child that she had
birthed out of wedlock. That she would be too ashamed of herself to
ever get over. A tear leaked from Ninaine's cheek as she watched the
baby in her arms. She _was_ beautiful. So beautiful.

Ninaine bent to brush her lips over the baby's brow even as they
trembled. "I don't care that I'm not wed." She whispered it softly.
"And I may not be a very good mother. But I'm going to try. I promise.
I won't be like my mother. I'll show you that I can love you."

Last updated on the November 27th 2015

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Not Much of a Mother