Holding Back

Writers: Miriah, Suzee
Date Posted: 27th March 2015

Characters: N'call, Ninaine
Description: Ninaine remembers how distance started.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 11, day 2 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: U'kaiah, Teseada

N'call

Ninaine

Ninaine stared at the man who laid asleep across the furs near her.
She didn't press herself next to him for his warmth, nor did she try
to wake him. She just watched, discontent marring the afterglow of
their lovemaking. It wasn't as if N'call had somehow become bad at it,
but ever since _that_ day, it had been different. Her mind brought up
the memory that she had tried to ignore.

---FLASHBACK--

Watching the goldflight and fending off advances from those unused to
the emotions of the flight had been especially problematic for
Ninaine. She had watched as the bronzes and surprisingly a few browns
gave chase, her eyes following the familiar form of Haloth. She had
known without a doubt that N'call was in that flightroom, lusting
after Teseada and the jealousy that surged through her had been
unexpected and bitter.

And then Haloth had wrapped himself around the gold and Ninaine had
slunk out of the crowd of watchers. Now, a day later, Ninaine still
moped. All through her classes, she had been in a foul mood, thinly
covered by a veil of composure that occasionally cracked. Was he still
with her? Didn't he have duties to attend to instead of holing himself
up with a goldrider? She couldn't help but check to see if she saw
Haloth near N'call's weyr, even after telling herself repeatedly that
she shouldn't care.

Finally, she was able to escape to her weyr, slapping the leather
entrance flap down as hard as she could. Stupid bronzeriders!

"Finally home," drawled a mellow voice from the shadows. "How was your day?"

Ninaine gave a sharp gasp of surprise and whirled to face the shadows,
holding a hand to her chest. Her eyes narrowed and she put her hands
on her hips "Shaffit, N'call! You scared me! What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you," he said gently. He knew she knew what had happened
today. I would be general knowledge in the Weyr but he was more
concerned about how she'd gotten through the gold flight. "Are you
alright?"

"Oh. I figured you'd still be with Teseada." She bit her tongue
quickly and sat to pull off her boots. That had been far too obvious!
She shouldn't show jealousy like that! But still, it curdled sourly in
her stomach. "I'm fine." She set down her boots a little more firmly
than necessary. "Perfectly fine."

"You don't sound fine," he said. "You sound upset."

Ninaine was silent for a moment before the words burst out of her.
"Did you have to stay with her for so long?" She stood and turned to
face him, visibly trying to keep the composure that had served her for
so long.

"Yes," he said without rancor, "She is a goldrider and my friend." He
ignored the fact that her question was extremely rude by the rules of
the Weyr and chalked it up to her prickly personality. She probably
didn't realize exactly how it sounded, or maybe she did. Either way he
wasn't angry with her over it. He cared about Ninaine which was why he
was here waiting for her in the first place. But he also cared about
Teseada.

Oh yes, goldrider. Status. He was a bronzerider. That certainly made
sense. A sharp stab of jealousy bit into her again. She could see now
why so many ladies at the Hold were unhappy when their husbands
strayed. But N'call wasn't even her husband...weyrmate... The
expression on her face varied between hurt and anger before she
stiffened and straightened her spine. Her chin lifted and her
expression became prim and cool. "I'm sure that you had a good time."

He leaned forward. "I'm not going to dignify that with an answer
Ninaine. You haven't had your first flight yet so you can't possibly
know what happens in a flight room. What happened there was between
Onnyth and Haloth. We were just passengers." He didn't even think
about the afterglow and the satisfaction he and Teseada had shared.
She'd made it clear they were just friends. Maybe that was why
Niniaine's attitude over the whole thing rankled so much. He could see
she was upset and he knew that was partly his fault but this was the
Weyr, these things happened and she'd have to adjust. "The dragon
decides and the rider complies. Did you think that was just crack
dust?" After all he'd come looking for her to make sure she was
alright. Didn't she even credit him for that much?

"No." She exhaled slowly, biting on the inside of her cheeks visibly
before swallowing hard. "I hate that you won. I hate it. " She stared
down at her hands. "I have no right to hate it." Her voice was
frustrated. "I know that much. But I hoped that..." She shook her
head. "I watched and I wanted someone else to win. I didn't want you
to win and then those feelings from the flight without you with me
were bad enough. I came back here and waited until this morning. " Her
fists curled. "I wanted you with me, not her." It was hard to admit
and was barely loud enough to be heard.

He didn't hate it, in fact he was very proud. It even made him
disappointed in her that she couldn't be happy for him. Twice Haloth
had won Onnyth, that was a major accomplishment and put him in a very
good position for advancement. It showed that the dragons thought he
and Haloth were good for the Weyr. How many times had U'kaiah tried
and failed? How many of the other bronzes won gold once, let alone
twice. He looked down at his hand for a moment. Knowing he'd brought
this scene on himself didn't make it any easier to take. "I'm sorry
you're unhappy," he said. "But I'm very proud of what Haloth did. It
was a great accomplishment."

And now he'd be gone more, with Teseada and the eggs when they came.
She wrapped her arms over her chest tightly as she realized how little
of his time she would now have and jealousy was sharp. Was it so bad
that she had wanted him with her instead? Maybe it was. Maybe it was
better with Teseada. And they weren't weyrmates. She had no reason to
think that she meant more to him than a warm body in the furs. She was
a fool for thinking that he'd spurn a goldrider for her. A lowly
greenrider, and only one of many that were available. Bronzeriders
wanted the golds; everyone knew that. She hid her hurt. "And Haloth
did well." Her voice was now distant. "I'm sure they'll be lovely
eggs."

"Thank you," he nodded somewhat mollified. "Do you want to come down
for dinner in the cavern?"

And watch the other riders congratulate him on his and Haloth's
prowess? That was certainly _not_ her idea of a pleasant dinner. "No,
thank you. I'm not hungry."

"Alright," he said standing. "Then I'll see you later." He'd wanted
her to celebrate with him but she wasn't in the mood and he wasn't in
the mood to hang around here while she felt sorry for herself. Not
tonight anyway.He ducked out the door and hopped on Haloth who wanted
to get back to cuddling with his mate. He'd find some other friends to
drink with tonight.

She watched him leave with disguised wounded disbelief. He could have
stayed with her instead of going to pat himself on the back for
getting Teseada in the furs. As he walked out her shoulders slumped.
She had been right. Plopping down on the bed, she took several deep
breaths, closed her eyes tight, and buried the hurt to find her
composure. It didn't work. She sniffed, rubbed her eyes roughly and
lay back on her bed only to curl up into a ball.

----END FLASHBACK---

They had only shared a bed this time and one other since that day. She
wanted him, she enjoyed him, but since then, she hadn't been able to
fully enjoy herself like she had. It was though she couldn't open to
him and let go like in the beginning. And she didn't even think he had
noticed. He was too busy with Teseada and the soon to be arriving
eggs, she thought
bitterly.

Ninaine sighed and laid her head back down, looking at the broad back.
She reached out to touch it, then stopped and with a sigh, drew back.
She rolled over, her back to his and tried to go back to sleep.

Last updated on the March 30th 2015

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Holding Back