Apologizing to Greenriders: Level Novice (Part 2)

Writers: Clancey, Heather
Date Posted: 16th January 2014

Characters: Devyn, J'darin
Description: J'darin sees Devyn for the first time in a few months with a surprising ending.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 4, day 24 of Turn 7

Devyn

J'darin

Devyn let out a small sigh, "I missed you too J'darin, but that
doesn't fix everything, does it?" She took the flowers from him as she
closed the door. It wasn't the beauty of the flowers that was
touching, but the time and effort placed into it. Still, as
appreciative as she was, the flowers, as well, were not a cure all for
the problem at hand.

He leaned against the door, almost running away again. She was so right.

"You're right Devyn... " He paused. Did he just give up without a
fight and leave? Did he try to explain? Despite the fact they had
been so close, they had not been weyrmated and he wasn't even sure
they had ever said they would only see each other exclusively. He
didn't want anyone else, but she had alot more options than he did.
Maybe it would be better if he just let her go.

No. He would not "let" her go. She could throw him out, or she
could listen. But he wouldn't leave without at least trying.

"It doesn't fix anything, really. Even knowing I was absent for a
good reason doesn't really make it alright... and I physically
couldn't see you for a while ... or you'd be sick too.. " He stopped
talking abruptly. It sounded lame, and like what it was - sorry
excuses for sorry behavior.

"I know you don't want to see me. And I know I don't want to hurt
you any more. I'm sure you have lots of choices...men that would
treat you the way you deserve. I'm rather a sorry excuse for a
bronzerider. I knew that when we started to see each other....but
you made me better. You did." He stood a little taller. She _had_
made him a better man. She was the reason he had quit drinking. And
for Hasaarth. He struggled for the right thing to say.

Finally words slipped out, soft but determined. "There is nothing I
can say or do that will change the reality of the last few months, or
prove to you how much I care for you, and how much I missed you, even
when I knew I couldn't see you. I don't want you out of my life,
but I won't make you try, Devyn. No one should have to put up with
me, to be honest." His voice roughened with emotion. "... I _do_ love
you. More than I know how to show."

He raised his eyes, tracing her lovely face without touching her.
"Maybe I can't make it up with flowers or apologies, but it doesn't
mean I don't want to spend the next 50 turns trying to do it anyway."
But that was it, really. If she didn't even want to try, there was
nothing he could do about it. And its not as if she wasn't right to
throw him out.

He stepped purposefully away from the door, taking two steps closer to
her. His blue eyes darkened with all the feelings he had no words
for, other than _love_ and _sorry_.

He would fight.. for her, he would fight.

Devyn studied the man's face, gauging that he was being sincere about
what he said, and about what he felt. That still didn't drive away
that tiny voice in the back of her mind that said he would disappear
again. **Will he just show up for a while again and then be off after
he has had his fix?** Did she want this relationship? The times when
they were together were immeasurably happy for Devyn, but the long,
periods that they were apart were miserably unbearable.

The real question then was whether or not the good times outweighed
the bad. She looked down at the flowers in her hands, studying some of
the petals that had been accidentally crumpled in transit. Love was a
lot like the flowers. Sometimes it got crumpled, or worn, but it was
no less beautiful.

"J'darin, you are the most infuriating man that I have ever met. When
you are _here_ everything seems perfect, everything seems right, and
it lulls me into a sense of security. And then when I turn around the
rug is being pulled from beneath me as you disappear. I have seen my
wingmates more than I have seen you, and trust me, there are some of
them that I absolutely do not love, not even a mite, as much as I love
you." Devyn sighed as she turned away from and placed the flowers in
an empty vase.

"I am not asking for _more_, J'darin," she faced him again, "because I
think that you are giving all you can give to me. I am just asking for
a better effort. I don't have to be first in your life, you don't have
to spend more time with me than anyone else, I would just like to see
you often enough so that I don't forget what your face looks like."
She reached up and tucked a strand of her face behind her ear, "Can
you do that?"

He stared at her, somewhat surprised by her seeming belief that he had
chosen not to spend time with her for some silly reason. He would
never have been gone from her side if he had had any choice in the
matter. Did she not understand?

He knew he was infuriating. It was why he had few friends and no
long-term lovers. But he had thought... Devyn was the most
important person in his life, after his family. He had thought he
had at least shown her that...

His eyes were dark, confusion overshadowing the sincere warmth that
generally showed when he looked at her face.

He would not apologize for doing his duty and he would not apologize
for being sick. He struggled with aggravation ... at himself and at
her. He would not yell at her. _He_ was wrong, not her. He was
wrong. And he had missed her so much.

Finally, he spoke quietly. "I'm sorry that I have not been able to
adequately show you just how important you are to me... I'm sorry
that I make you so unhappy. You should be happy even when we are not
together. You should know that I love you and there is no one else
that I would rather see, and no one who'd I'd rather see my stupid
face. The only people I've seen are my sick mother, my dragon, and
one assistant who helped me when I was sick... when all I really
wanted to see was you." It didn't matter, though. If he wanted to
keep her, he was going to have to take responsibility for their
relationship and what it seemed to lack, and prove to her what he said
was true.

There was one way he could do what she asked, there was one way he
could show her and make sure he saw her every single day. It was
there, on the tip of his tongue.

He reached hesitantly to touch her cheek, his fingers a bare whisper
against her skin. "All I want is to make you happy, Devyn. Move in
with me. Let me show you everyday that you are that important to me."
He didn't expect her to say yes. Not the first time she'd seen him
in months, but he wanted her to know.

Move in with J'darin? Devyn swallowed as she looked up at the man. She
desperately wanted to see him more than she was now, and sharing the
same bed as him every night would certainly guarantee that. But did
she trust him? Devyn realized that she would have to or there would be
no relationship at all.

"Okay." The word was said with a hint of trepidation, but there was
determination behind the greenrider's eyes. They had to try didn't
they?

"I don't expect you to say ... " He paused. Had she said 'okay'? "What?"

Shock, surprise, and sincere, rich happiness chased their way across his face, easily noticeable and he did not bother to hide a single emotion.

"REALLY?" He must have looked a kid who just Impressed and realized how awesome it would be to have a dragon in your heart, and that you'd never be alone again.

He could not contain himself and reached out and pulled her into his arms.

"Devyn... you don't have to... I will make you happy whether or not you become my weyrmate. I can and I will. Its all I ever wanted. YOU are all I ever wanted." He wanted to give her a chance. He had never been this serious about a single woman in his life. He wondered if she knew that, or if she wondered?

"But I want you there. I want you with me." He hadn't meant to ask her when he'd come here tonight. He'd meant only to beg forgiveness. But he hoped she knew, now. He loved her. He did wonder... did she love him half as much? He doubted it.

Last updated on the February 1st 2014

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Apologizing to Greenriders: Level Novice (Part 2)