Selfish

Writers: Devin, Cali
Date Posted: 28th February 2010

Characters: Zanen, Talmina
Description: Zanen goes to Talmina the morning after the kiss, and they discuss what it meant.
Location: Elsewhere on Pern
Date: month 7, day 5 of Turn 5

Zanen waited until she came out of her wagon for breakfast. "Good
morning, Talmina."

"Morning Zanen." Talmina had known he was waiting for her. He hadn't
been quiet about it though she knew he could have been. It had been
enough notice for her to ready herself. Last night had been hard, she
didn't want a repeat of emotion.

"Guess I should apologize for kissing you. Maybe it was selfish of
me." He scratched Silver's head.

Talmina nodded. She didn't know what he meant by 'selfish', but the
apology was accepted. She just wanted things to go back to normal.
She wanted him to stop pitying her. "Are you going out again today?"

Zanen sighed. She was moving on like it didn't matter, but he couldn't
let it go. "Talmina, can I be selfish for a few more minutes? I don't
know how I'm gonna handle being married to someone that can't stand to
kiss me."

"We're not back at the Weyr yet." Talmina said as she sat down on the
wagon step. Fang jogged over to her and sat down on the ground in
front of her. "Maybe I'll decide I can't cut it and you won't have to
go through with it."

"But what if you can? You've been doing fine so far."

Talmina pursed her lips, an action she was able to do without
difficulty. "Zanen, I already told you I'd bed you once we were
married. I'd be a good wife to you."

"Why? Out of duty?" A bitter tone crept into his voice.

She shrugged. "What's wrong with duty? I'd be lying though if I said
I'd mind. You're my friend, and handsome enough for me to count myself
lucky."

"Do you know why I said no when you asked me to marry you? Because I'm
a romantic. I think marriage should be for love. Not out of
obligation, or duty, or even friendship," he said. "I'll keep my
promise to you, but if there's even some little hope there might be
something more ..." Zanen wasn't sure of his own feelings and didn't
know how to explain them. For the first time, he'd seen Talmina as
more than someone to protect, more than a girl half his age, even more
than a friend. Just a glimmer of something else, and he'd acted on it.

A romantic. She'd never been such a person. For her, growing up, to
find a husband she could call friend would have been a wonderful
outcome, much preferred to having a stranger next to her every night.
To wait until there was mutual love on both sides... well, it was
unlikely at best, at worst she would have become an old maid and a
drain on her family. She hadn't realized Zanen was that sort of
person.

She felt guilty, it must have caused him great pain to agree to a
marriage so disagreeable. She thought when he'd refused, it had been
to protect _her_, not himself. Talmina knew that she wasn't a person
that someone could actually love, not with her face. She couldn't
even love _herself_. She realized then, that he was trying to _force_
himself to love her, to keep that romantic ideal about marriage alive.
It was pathetic and endearing to her, and it made her guilt all the
more rich. "I release you from our agreement then. To ask you to
marry me was wrong. I'm sorry."

"No. I don't accept your release." Talmina wasn't the only one that
could be stubborn. "I felt something last night, and I want to find
out where it leads. That's gonna be hard to do if you keep running
away from me."

"You felt _pity_ last night." Talmina leveled her gaze at him. "That
was _all_ you felt."

"It was _not_ pity! Is that all you think people can feel for you?"
Beside him, Silver let out a soft whine.

Talmina sat up straighter. "No. People feel lots of things for me,
pity not one of the worst. However, until last night, until I was
stupid enough to admit how that dancing affected me, you didn't have
these _romantic_ thoughts floating around your head. If you think
about it, you'll see it too. You felt sorry for me. You wanted to
make me feel better. You wanted to make yourself feel better. You
thought, if you kissed me, maybe we'd both feel better. You just
don't like that it _didn't_."

A laugh that was part frustration escaped him. "I didn't put that much
thought into it. I might've kissed you sooner, if you hadn't said the
dancing was bad."

"I didn't say the dancing was bad." Talmina pointed out. "I said the
memories were bad. The dancing was nice."

"The first thing you said was that 'it' was bad. It put a bit of a
damper on things." Zanen put a hand on his hip, thinking. "I was glad
it wasn't something I'd done. Relieved. I don't know. I just looked at
you and ... there was just something more. And I wanted to kiss you,
so I did."

He just looked at her. Maybe in the dark, with the firelight shadows,
maybe the scars weren't that visible. It made sense she supposed.
Still unlikely, but her mother always said men weren't that choosy
when the mood struck them. "Okay. Fine. It wasn't pity. I believe
you."

"So when I kiss you again, maybe you won't run away?"

Talmina sighed, he wasn't going to leave this alone. "I guess it
would depend on when you kissed me."

"What would be a good time?" He fought a smile. Restrictions on kissing!

"During the day, if you must. But out of view of any others, for
propriety's sake." She said finally after thinking on it. She'd let
him, it wasn't like it wasn't enjoyable, and he'd find out that he
didn't feel anything. Not when he could see her clearly.

Zane stopped fighting the smile. "How about now? No one's looking."

Talmina glared at him, her fists clenched in frustration. "It's not
funny. You're delusional and you don't even realize it! Yes, kiss me
now. Look good at my red puckered scars and kiss my misshapen lips.
Go ahead!"

He moved close to her and paused. "Do you think it will hurt? I don't
want to hurt you." Zanen traced the edge of her scar with a gentle
finger.

She didn't think it would hurt, but his touch caused a response she
hadn't been expected. She jerked back slightly, then leaned forward
again into his hand. No one ever touched her if they could help it.
"I'm not that breakable."

"Good." He bent and pressed his lips to hers.

It wasn't Talmina's first kiss, but it was the first since _him_. She
made it count, giving back as much as Zanen gave, wanting to replace
the memory she had of that tunnelsnake. It worked. When he'd pulled
back, she'd had a pleasant blurry feeling flowing through her body and
she'd sighed quietly at the separation.

He was pleasantly surprised at her response and smiled down at her.
"That was worth waiting for."

Talmina looked down and shook her head again. He had to be the most
delusional man she'd ever met. "You didn't answer me before. Are you
going out again today?"

"Yeah. Do you want to come with me?" He still wanted her to stay with
the Caravan, where she'd be safe, but protecting her too much wasn't
going to help her.

Her face spread into a smile until it hurt and she looked back up to
meet his eyes. "Yes, of course I do. I'll change into pants, just
give me a minute."

Zanen chuckled. "We're not leaving right now. We still need to have
breakfast." Seeing her smile filled him with a warm fluttering.
Sometimes a feeling like this came and went, a fickle thing. But other
times it grew into something brighter and stronger. He had to see
where this would go, and only time would tell.

Last updated on the February 28th 2010

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Selfish