Not Alone

Writers: Dana
Date Posted: 22nd February 2009

Characters: Nialyn
Description: Nialyn makes yet another decision
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 1, day 5 of Turn 5
Notes: Follows "Doubt-infested Hope"

After Birigundi had stalked off, Nialyn stayed perched on the rock by the
running trail, knees drawn up to her chest, staring numbly down at the
ground but not really seeing it. She didn't know how long she sat there,
alone, mulling over what he had snarled at her, wishing with all her heart
that she could deny the truth of his words but knowing she couldn't. A
sense of helplessness stole over her and she shuddered, vision blurry as
fresh tears welled in her eyes.

He was right. Damn him--he was right! She had lived at the Weyr for too
long. She had forgotten that her own beloved Hold wouldn't be as
accepting of her and Lyndi. It didn't matter that she was of their own
flesh and blood, that she believed in their "hidebound" ways--that she
wanted to be a part of their community again and start her life over. She
and Lyndi would be shunned because she didn't have a husband...because
Lyndi was a bastard child. Nialyn bowed her head, tears slipping down her
cheeks. _A bastard child_. How could she have forgotten that? How could
she be so sharding naïve after everything she had been through? She
_knew_ better than that! A silent sob wracked her body as she squeezed
her eyes shut, blocking out the sunlight.

She couldn't take Lyndi from the Weyr and subject her to a life where she
would only be seen as the illegitimate child of a whore. And that's what
Nialyn would be to the men and women of the Hold. A whore. A young girl
to be taken advantage of, for no respectable woman would be seen in her
company, and no respectable man would marry her.

She was trapped. Fierce anger suffused her-anger at her mother for being
the one to bring her here, snatching her away from everything she loved
and plopping her in this hellish place; anger at Birigundi for not being
man enough to take responsibility for her and their child, and for being
the one to point out that she could never leave the Weyr unless she wanted
a damned life for herself and Lyndi; and anger at herself, perhaps
especially at herself, for succumbing to the temptation of exploring the
sexual freedom of the Weyr in an effort to conform. If only she had never
gone to that party with that bluerider…if only she hadn't drunk so much
alcohol...if only she had never given up her virginity to that
bluerider...if only she had never slept with Birigundi.

Immediately she shied away from those dangerous thoughts. To dwell too
much on the "if onlys" would drive her insane. It wouldn't solve anything
because it happened--all of it. She had to move forward. But how? How
could she possibly live here in this hated place as the sad and angry girl
she was and raise a child alone?

But...maybe she didn't have to be alone. Slowly Nialyn lifted her head
from her knees. K'lar had said he would take care of her and Lyndi. He
had said that they both could move in with him and he would protect them,
cherish them, love them. But...shards, she would be using him and she had
sworn to herself that she wouldn't do that to him, or to herself. And yet
she knew she couldn't keep on living the way she was if she was to stay
here at the Weyr. Something had to change in order for her to find some
semblance of happiness. And since Birigundi would never be the man she
wanted him to be, she would have to look elsewhere for what was missing in
her life, what she wanted the most-and she would have to commit herself
fully to her relationship with K'lar to find it. It was the only way.

Shoving away her fear and anxiety, she stood, scrubbing the tears from her
face. K'lar was her last chance...she hoped he would forgive her. And a
couple candlemarks later, when she found herself at his weyr, gazing up
into his gentle brown eyes, she knew she needn't have worried. "I changed
my mind," she told him softly. "I want to be your weyrmate."

Last updated on the February 28th 2009

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Not Alone