Doubt-infested Hope

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 17th February 2009

Characters: Nialyn, Birigundi
Description: Nialyn relays her decision to Birigundi...and it doesn't go well
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 1, day 5 of Turn 5

Birigundi

Birigundi had always sung to himself as he ran. Not only did it help pass
the time, but the beat built into the lyrics also helped him keep the
rhythm in his stride. It was easy to lose himself in the monotonous
cadance, so much so that he almost bowled right into the girl standing
right in the middle of the path.

"Shards!" he yelped, coming to a scretching halt. His legs, protesting at
his mind's order to stop after pumping steadily ever forward buckled
beneath him ever so slightly so that he flew sidelong, narrowly missing a
low hanging branch as he stumbled off the path. "For flaming Faranth's
sake! Don't _do_ that to a man!"

She snorted dryly, folding her arms over her chest. It was so like him to
go ahead and blame someone else for his own mistake. He was so sharding
predictable. "You don't own the pathway, Birigundi."

"I never said I did, _Nialyn_," if she was so intent on using full names.
"But you were standing in the middle of it on purpose just waiting for me.
That is, unless you have a running lover now."

It was a cheap shot, but it still made her angry. She glared fiercely up
at him. "We need to talk."

"Yeah, I got that part," he said, planting his hands on his hips as he
worked to steady his breathing.

**Good for you,** she thought sourly. Shards, she hadn't wanted it to
start out this way. But honestly, what did she expect from him?
Carefully she perched on the edge of one of the huge rocks shouldering the
path and watched him, schooling her expression to one of stoic blankness.
She shouldn't expect anything. She just had to get this over with.

With a tolerant sigh he walked over and took a seat on the rock beside
her, not too closely however. "So what then? Is it Lyndi?"

Nialyn took a deep breath to steady herself, exhaled softly, then looked
into his eyes. "We're leaving."

He wasn't quite following. "Who's we?"

"Me. And Lyndi."

A cold chill slid up his spine but he cast it off with a shake of his
head. She didn't mean that. "Nia, what are you talking about?"

"We're leaving the Weyr."

"What?" Just like Nia, trying to scare him into behaving better. He
wasn't stupid. He had seen the look in her eye the night before. She had
been jealous - jealous of the fact that he was free now to sleep with
whoever he felt like. What, did she think that just because she found
some brownrider chump to fill her bed at night that would change the fact
that she still had feelings for _him_? He had _proved_ it! It had taken
nearly a month, but he had proved that she still wanted him, or else why
would she have cared who he was fooling around with. And now she just
couldn't handle it. "That's just so typical," he said with a shake of his
head. "You're just mad because I scored with that greenrider last night.
I know what this is."

"No, Birigundi," she said quietly, eyes flashing with anger as she tried
to control her temper. "You have no idea what this is about." She got
off the rock. "Not that I'd expect you to know, or to really care about
my reasons for going, but we're leaving in two days. I have a couple
relatives at Amber Hills Hold, so that's where we're heading. You're the
father, so I figured it would be the right thing for me to do to tell you,
just in case you find the time to visit Lyndi."

"I'm 'the father'?" He shook his head, that icy chill sinking deep into
his heart now. She couldn't be serious. "You're honestly trying to tell
me that in two days you're taking my daughter away from me? Just like
_that_? What is this, some sick way you and your new lover have come up
with just to hurt me?"

"No! Shards, it isn't all about you. The sharding world doesn't revolve
around only _you_. So why don't you take a step out of yourself for one
sharding moment and listen to me, because I'm only going to say this once:
I hate living here, Biri." She took in another deep breath, trying not to
lose control. "I'm going to take Lyndi away from here and raise her in an
environment where I know she'll be safe and happy, and where I know I can
be happy too. I can't raise my daughter in a place that I hate. I've
tried for the past Turn, and it hasn't worked. So we're leaving."

"Just like that? Without even a word to me? She's _my_ daughter too, you
know!" Sure they had hurt each other in the past, but he had never _ever_
even imagined she could do something like this to him. To take his Lyndi
away from him? It was the ultimate betrayal, and his eyes couldn't
conceal the hurt or rage he felt. "You heartless _bitch_! You would take
my daughter from me? What did I _ever_ do to you to make you want to hurt
me like that! How could you take her away from me? How could _you_ do
this to me?!"

"If you're furious with me for coming to this decision, you only have
yourself to blame!" she snarled, temper finally loosed. "Do you think I
was going to keep on going here, drudging along in the sharding dining
cavern and turning a blind eye as if this past Turn, especially this past
month, never happened? I will _not_ be treated like this anymore, you get
me? Not ever! And the only way I know I won't be is to leave here, with
my daughter who I love and take care of and earn marks for every day of my
life." The look she gave him was an accusing one. "And as far as your
accusation of me taking her away from you goes, you hardly see her anyway.
Maybe a couple candlemarks here and there. Perhaps a few more if your
social schedule isn't jammed full. It won't take too much more effort on
your part to ask one of your 'friends' to give you a lift to Amber Hills.
You'll get there in the same amount of time as it takes for you to saunter
to the fostermother's from whoever's bed you've just stumbled out of."

She was accusing him of being a bad father now? He _lived_ for that
child! He lived for those candlemarks when he knew Nia wouldn't be around
that he could spend with her. And he would sink to any level to make sure
he did not lose another child. "And you think that taking her to a Hold
will prove you the better parent? I mean what kind of mother are you?
Tell me that, Nia! You would take your daughter away from a world where
she is loved and accepted and actually has a father - to what? A Hold
where she'll be labled a bastard all her life? To a place where she will
be considered the lowest of the low? A place where she not only is
limited in what her future can be just because she's a girl to being
ground even further into the dirt by the fact that the only men who would
be willing to marry her would never be the kind you would want to see your
daughter with. And what about you? The whore mother of a bastard child!
The only men willing to marry you would know that they're scraping the
bottom of the barrel and treat you and her accordingly! What kind of
mother are you, Nia, to take her away from here! Answer me that!"

"How _dare_ you!" Nialyn yelled, hot tears of outrage welling in her eyes.
"Don't you ever, _ever_ call us those names again!"

"What did you think? That Amber Hills would welcome you back with open
arms unmarried and with a child?" Birigundi had heard the Hold's
hidebound reputation, and it had certainly done a good job in convincing
Nia that theirs was the only right way in this world.

Doubt had infested her hope, and to hide her sudden fear that everything
she'd been planning for would be lost, she lashed out in the only way she
knew how. "Lyndi and I wouldn't sharding _be_ in trouble like this if you
had done the honorable thing in the first place and put a ring on my
sharding finger!"

"That's only honorable in the Holds. This is a Weyr, and I live by the
Weyr's rules, not theirs! Don't look down on me because I didn't share
your hidebound ways. I always stood by you, Nia, even when I didn't have
to! And if you think Lyndi needs a father whose there every night, you
have no one to blame but yourself. You kicked _me_ out of your life,
remember? I would be with her every sharding night if I could! I want to
be with my daughter. I just can't stand the sight of _you_!" And before
she could through any more hurtful barbs his way, Birigundi decided that
this conversation was finished. Pushing himself off the rock he stalked
off down the path, breaking into a sprint as soon as he had turned the
corner, putting as much distance between himself and that hurtful woman as
he possible could before he said something really nasty, or worse, broke
into desperate tears and promised her anything to keep his daughter at
home where she belonged.

Last updated on the February 17th 2009

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Doubt-infested Hope