Fear and Regret (2/2)

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 6th November 2008

Characters: Birigundi, Nialyn
Description: Birigundi finds a surprising way to end another fight with Nia.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 12, day 5 of Turn 4

Birigundi

Biri waited tapping his foot, but not to any musical rhythm. It was more
a nervous tick. Shards, she was taking a long time. How long would it
really take to hand Lyndi off to her mother? Maybe she decided to run
away rather than face him. Maybe he was going to look the fool after all.
Maybe this was even worse an idea than he thought. Maybe...

"Well," came a feminine voice from behind him, "I finally found her.
She'll watch her for a little while." When he turned around, Nialyn
offered him a hesitant smile. She wasn't quite sure what to think, but
she knew that if she was going to continue to be civil, she couldn't let
the lingering anger lingering within affect her.

"I think this dance is about to finish." It was a slower dance, which
meant the next one would probably be faster. That would be a bit more...
comfortable. Less chance to talk meant less chance to fight.

She was thinking the same thing. "It's been...well, it's been a while
since I last danced." In fact, she couldn't even remember when she had
been lead onto the dance floor. "So I apologize ahead of time if I step
on your toes."

"They can take it," he assured her, wishing the song would end and they
could get this over with. They stood in silence a few moments before the
song mercifully came to it's end. "Shall we?" he asked, offering her his
hand.

She took it nervously, hardly daring to glance at him. Maybe this wasn't
such a good idea. Dancing was too intimate. Maybe she should have
retreated to her weyr when she'd had the chance. Shards, that was her
cowardice talking. It was just _one_ dance. An intimate form of art
between two people, yes, but it didn't have to be more than that. She'd
make sure it wouldn't be more than that.

Luckily it was a fast dance that left little room for talking. That is,
until the couple next to them started crowding a little too close. "I
think they might have started celebrating a little earlier than the rest
of us," Biri said with a slightly amused smile. They certainly were
making fools of themselves the way they were over-dramatically swinging
each other around.

"Think they're drunk?" she asked, expression both disapproving and amused
at the same time as Birigundi swung her quickly out of the way before they
smacked into the whirling couple--or rather, before the whirling couple
smacked into them.

"Shards, I hope so. Otherwise they just have absolutely no rhythm at
all." The smile he gave her conveyed his intended double meaning.

A snort escaped her before she could stop it, and she turned her wide,
laughing eyes to his. "It's rather obscene."

Biri leaned a little closer. "Want to show them how it's done?"

Shards, it felt so good to laugh with him--to finally be on the same level
with him after months of distant civility. It was almost surreal. And
yet.... Her blue eyes sparkled as she nodded, giving herself up to the
feeling. It couldn't hurt anyone.

He grinned as he pulled her a little closer and whirled her around the
floor. Now they were having fun! And shards but it felt good to smile
with Nia again. It was almost like things were months before, before she
knew about Rigella, before the fights. They twirled, jumped, laughed, and
ended up out of breath and smiling as the song came to an end. But they
didn't really want it to end. Not yet. "Another one?"

"Sure," she breathed without thinking twice.

"Are you sure? It sounds like another fast one," he said, a challenging
twinkle in his eye.

She lifted her chin defiantly, one pale brow raised. "Think I can't
handle it?"

He put his hands on his hips as he gave her a scrutinizing look. "Well,
you did say you were a little rusty."

"I'm getting better," she told him, wrinkling her nose.

"Oh really?" he asked, reaching for her hand as the musical intro came to
it's end. "Prove it."

And she did. Nialyn couldn't remember a time when she'd felt this light,
both in mind and spirit. Her insecurity and anger had been stripped away,
as well as her jealousy and bitterness--all of those dark emotions that
she hated had been replaced with brightness and mirth. As long as she
stayed on this dance floor, she was in a timeless area where the past and
future were nothing. She could just be who she was: a young woman living
in the moment. Shards, it was an intoxicating feeling.

Biri wasn't nearly so philosophical as he pulled her close, his hand
around her waist and his eyes on hers. She looked so happy. He couldn't
remember the last time she had smiled at him like that, and it made him
remember why it had all been worth it. This was the girl he had fallen in
love with, the woman he ached to see and as another dance came to a close
he just couldn't let her go. Not yet. As they clapped and cheered for
the skill of the harpers, he leaned down to murmur into her ear. "One
more?"

Her hands fell to her sides as she turned her head to look at him. They
were very close. Perhaps she should have listened to the faint whisper in
the back of her mind, warning her that maybe one more would be too much
for them, but she didn't. She didn't want to leave this place of
timelessness and brightness. "All right," she murmured back.

After so many fast dances, Biri was counting on a slow one, and the
harpers didn't disappoint. Wrapping one hand around her waist, he stepped
in close, so close he could feel the heat radiating between them. As they
began to sway to the music, he dipped his head rest his cheek against her
temple, closed his eyes and imagined that it was just the two of them once
more.

She knew she shouldn't read too much into his actions--after all, it was
only a dance--but somehow that reassurance didn't help ease the fluttering
within as she, too, closed her eyes. This was more than just a dance now,
she knew that and so did he. Denying the fact wouldn't change it. The
feeling between them was different...and it warmed her. Before she could
quell the feeling, she found herself following that faint wisp of
affection for him as her hands lightly slid a little further down his
back.

This was the way things were supposed to be between them. Not all the
fighting and the bickering over things that didn't really matter. They
had cared for each other, and not all the women on Pern could have changed
how Biri felt. And shards, if she would just let him back in maybe,
_maybe_ he would be ready to try to make a change for her. If that was
what it took to have his family back, he'd do it. But she had to want him
back...

She wasn't sure when their bodies had pressed even closer, but she was
very aware, suddenly, of her hips brushing against his, her chest touching
his, his warm breath on her hair, her ear. She couldn't quite keep from
shivering in response, and a soft warning went off in the back of her
mind. They were hedging around forbidden territory. They'd get hurt if
they went too far. But it felt so good to be with him like this again. A
pang of regret washed over her, and her fingers tightened slightly on his
tunic. If only things had turned out different. If only he would admit
his mistake and give up his immoral lifestyle.... But he wouldn't. It
was dangerous to be so close to him, physically and emotionally, right
now. But she couldn't bring herself to pull away.

As the song came to it's inevitable end Biri leaned back just enough to
took down into her eyes. He could ask her for another dance, and another
and another, or he could save them both time and embarrassment and an
excruciatingly long wait. **Just tell me you missed me. Just tell me you
want to try again,** his mind whispered as his hand moved to the small of
her back. He dipped his head as if he were going to kiss her but stopped,
his eyes silently asking her to give him a sign that she was willing
enough to meet him half way.

The intensity in his eyes scared her. Shards, he wanted her. The
pleasant warmth that had enveloped her abruptly vanished, leaving her
shaken in the reality of their situation. She had crossed a line she
hadn't intended to cross tonight--or ever again. No matter how much she
missed him, she would not submit herself to a life of unhappiness, a life
of waiting to see whether he'd show up that day, a life of seeing him
parade other women under her nose, a life of lies. She couldn't do that
to herself. Regret filled her eyes. "Thank you for the dances, Biri,"
she murmured, her trembling hands falling away from him.

Shards, maybe he had pushed too soon. Maybe she just needed a little more
convincing. "We could... have another dance. Your mother wouldn't mind.
I'm sure she's happy to have Lyndi for a while..."

Nialyn shook her head. Shells, she couldn't stay here. "I should
probably take Lyndi home. It's been a long day for her, after all. And
I'm sure she's pretty sleepy by now."

"I'll go with you," he said, his hands still holding her, though not tight
enough to make her feel he was purposefully trying to trap her.

"And miss all of this?" she asked, forcing a small smile as she gestured
to the milling people, feasting tables and bright lights.

"I don't mind," Biri assured her, trying to give his most persuasive smile.

That smile, shards...that smile. She remembered him smiling at her like
that, but in far more intimate settings. And she _should not_ be
remembering those times right now. Steeling herself, she shook her head
again. "You shouldn't miss this." **Please let me go. Don't make this
any harder, Biri...** "You could come by tomorrow afternoon to see Lyndi,
if you want."

She was giving him the brush off and it hurt. Shards, he didn't think it
could hurt this bad again. As much as he tried to keep it in place his
smile faltered a little. "Nia... Just let me walk you home."

Nialyn hesitated, searching his eyes. Why couldn't he just let her go?
Why did he have to push her? And make her say things she didn't want to
say and do things she didn't want to do? "I'll be fine, Biri." Though
they both knew that her getting to her weyr safely wasn't the issue. It
was a stupid thing for her to say--stupid, but safe. Carefully she
slipped out of his grasp, offering him another small smile. "Maybe I'll
see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah," he finally nodded, though his eyes couldn't hide the rejection he
felt. She knew what he had wanted, but it was as she had said before -
they both just wanted different things. He wanted her and she
just...didn't. "Yeah, I'll see Lyndi tomorrow."

Lyndi. Not her. Well, what did she sharding expect? That familiar
feeling of anger trickled back to mingle with her fear and regret. She
looked away. "Goodnight, Biri." And she quickly made her escape before
he could reply--or give her that wounded look again.

Last updated on the November 14th 2008

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Fear and Regret (2/2)