Nothing Left To Say

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 26th October 2008

Characters: U'kaiah, Traelyn
Description: Traelyn finally goes to see U'kaiah
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 11, day 25 of Turn 4

He would know by now. Of course he would know. News tended to travel
fast, and even faster between Weyrs...especially when gold and bronze
dragons were the news. Traelyn chewed on her lip, hesitating even now to
knock on U'kaiah's door. Last sevenday, she wouldn't have thought twice
about coming inside from the ledge, snapping and snarling in frustrated
hurt and anger. U'kaiah probably would have taken a good look at her, let
her finish her tirade, and then would have most likely taken her in his
arms in that calm, tender way of his. It was hard to stay mad when he had
that particular look in his eye, when he held her in that particular way.

But things were different now.

Loseth had caught Nyith. It could have been Kalamath--would have been, if
U'kaiah had been one of the contenders. Traelyn was still angry with him
for his rejection...for what he'd said to her; but her anger had faded
mostly to a dull ache that had much more to do with regret than fury. She
wasn't here to apologize to him--why should _she_ apologize?--but she was
here to see him all the same. To look at him. To be with him. To feel
grounded. To search his face and see if she saw guilt there, or anger, or
even the same regret she felt so keenly. The reasons were as conflicting
as her emotions and thoughts, and her tiny, wry smile was self-deprecating
as she knocked once quietly on the door before opening it slightly,
peering in.

"Trae?" The bronzerider's fingers stilled over the strings of the gitar
that rested in his lap. A resonating chord sounded and slowly died away
as their eyes locked from across the room. She had finally come. It had
only taken her a couple days, but it had felt like an eternity. On one
hand he was relieved, on the other he wished she had never come. A
sinking fear had been growing in the pit of his stomach that their meeting
would end in words he did not want to hear.

"U'kaiah." She slipped inside, pressing her back carefully against the
door to shut it, hands braced behind her. Shards, now that she was here,
looking at him....she didn't know what to say.

He was usually so good at reading her moods, and yet now she was as closed
off to him as a stranger. U'kaiah had intended to take the high road in
all this, to be an adult and face the truth head-on no matter how painful
it might be, but his fingers tightened over the neck of his instrument
almost as if he thought that by keeping it between them, it would somehow
shield him from whatever was about to happen. Looking down at the strings
he plucked another chord, and another, needing to look anywhere but at
her. "So... Is N'vanik settling in all right?"

"As well as expected." She couldn't detect any hint of jealousy in his
words--and it made her uneasy.

Well, that certainly wasn't saying much, U'kaiah thought as he struck a
sour chord. "It must be a relief to you. To have someone you know so
well, I mean. I'm glad for you. Truly." It wasn't a lie. Not really.
He wanted her to be happy. The bronzerider had hoped that he could bring
her happiness, but it was obvious what he had to offer was just not
enough.

Was he? Looking down, Traelyn came closer--but stopped at the sofa. Her
fingers plucked at the loosened threads as memories, unbidden, trickled
back into her consciousness: snippets of memories of them sitting here
teasing each other, making love to each other, talking to each other;
moments of laughter, sadness, seriousness. She had wanted that, and her
chance to have it every sharding day had slipped away. Her hands clenched
around the worn cushion. "It could have been you."

"Kalamath might have won," he conceded. N'vanik winning of all people had
only confirmed that in his mind. "But it would not have been me."
Leaving Dragonsfall and his people would have gone against everything that
made him who he was. How could U'kaiah have ever left these walls, even
for so great a prize as Trae, and still think he could be true to himself.
She had thought that the title was all that mattered to him. The fact
that he was little more than an ambitious, power hungry, a-typical
bronzerider to her had hurt him. He thought she had understood him once.
But without understanding that, she could never really understand _him_
either, could she, he thought as his fingers absently plucked the strings
once more.

Shards, she wanted to walk over and grasp those strings to take his
attention away from the gitar--to make him _look_ at her. "I wanted it to
be you."

If anything he pulled the instrument tighter to him. Shards, if she knew
how much he wanted to be with her every day. If she knew how much he
thought of her, how many times he had looked longingly at his ledge
wondering if he shouldn't just hop on his lifemate's back and flitter off
to be with her, even if only for a few moments... But she would have
N'vanik now. He was there, and U'kaiah was not. "N'vanik cares for you,"
he said softly, his fingers dancing lightly across the strings in a tune
he had learned long back in his apprentice days. "He will be there for
you. He'd do anything for you." **You could come to care about him as
you once did.** N'vanik would be there every day, even if U'kaiah claimed
Trae on the restday. He would be there, and that was what Trae needed.
U'kaiah couldn't help but wonder if he eventually become the intruder.
The thought of her being happy with another just made ache in the pit of
his stomach stronger.

Temper flared. "What exactly are you saying, U'kaiah?"

He sighed and stilled the strings once more. "I'm saying you have a
Weyrleader who you know and who you have a history with. Things worked
out for you. And I'm... happy for you."

Then why wouldn't he sharding look at her? Traelyn's eyes narrowed as she
stared at the face that was turned away from her--and tried to ignore the
sudden icy stab of panic. "Tell me," she said quietly, "when I say to you
that I wanted it to be _you_...are you even hearing me?"

"Of course I hear you." U'kaiah finally turned his face towards hers.
His eyes looked even darker than ever, rimmed by black circles sunken deep
into his skin. He looked tired and weary as he finally met her stare
straight on. "I know I disappointed you, Trae, with the choice I made.
I'm not wholly unaware of the consequences that my decision will have on
us. I understand that this might have been the only chance you and I
would ever have to truly be together. I also know I belong here. I know
you can't see that, but I do. Do you really think this was easy for me?
Do you think when the call went out I wasn't in the least bit tempted to
change my mind? Shards, it was all I could do not to run for my ledge.
But it doesn't matter what you think or I think. N'vanik is your
Weyrleader and nothing you or I can do can change that now."

Silence enveloped them for a moment. "You did disappoint me. But...it
was more than that." The implications of his words still stung. Maybe
because the scathing points he'd made were partly true. She looked away
from those sunken eyes, focusing her gaze on her clenched fingers instead.

The bronzerider shrugged a shoulder helplessly. "What do you want me to
say?" What's done was done.

**That you want me as much as I want you. That I'm wrong to think that
you care more for your ambition than you care for me.** But she knew he
wouldn't say it to her. Especially since it was all true. Every sharding
bit of it. She made the tone of her voice as hollow as his. "I guess
there's nothing more to say."

It seemed not. But where exactly did that leave them? "When we began
this, we did so with the belief that we would never have a chance to be
together every day. We were happy with the moments we had. Nothing has
changed, Trae. We still have everything we started with."

And did he believe that justified his actions? His words? She had
thought, just days before, that they'd been on the same page where their
relationship was concerned. But obviously she'd been a fool to think so.
A blind fool. "Yes, you would see it that way." She shook her head.
"Unlike you, U'kaiah, I can't just sweep this under the rug and forget
it."

No, he supposed she wouldn't. When it came to forgiving and forgetting,
Trae could have an impressively long memory, he had no doubt. U'kaiah
leaned his arm on the top of his gitar to hold it steadily in his lap
while he wiped wearily at his aching temples. "Are you still coming to my
Hatching?"

His body language and what it implied made her want to grind her
teeth--but she firmly squashed the urge to give into that flash of anger.
"Do you want me there?"

"Of course I want you there. It's a big day for me." It was the first
Clutch his lifemate had sired. Did she really think he would _not_ want
her to be there with him?

Her expression softened a little. "Then I'll be there."

Well at least she wasn't so mad as to punish him purposefully. That
offered some hope at least. "Thank you," he said simply, not knowing what
else to say.

She nodded--but didn't say anything else as she let herself out.

There was nothing left for either of them to say.

Last updated on the November 1st 2008

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Nothing Left To Say