What They Had Lost

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 7th April 2008

Characters: Nialyn, Birigundi
Description: Nia tries to offer her condolences, but it only ends in another fight
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 9, day 5 of Turn 4

Birigundi

Nialyn was grateful that she had been allowed to leave work early that afternoon. The rumors that had been flying through the lower caverns all sharding day had been tough to handle--especially since they concerned Birigundi...again. It had been hard keeping a stoic expression of indifference when four of the girls at their designated table for clean-up were whispering about how Rigella finally "cracked her shell" and how awful it was that she had to be taken away to the mindhealer hall.

Another girl paused at their table once she heard who they were talking about, setting her tray of dirty dishes down to briefly join in the gossip-fest. She'd told the rest of them that she'd seen Birigundi (for who didn't know about his involvement in all of this?) in the hall and how he looked "different"--not at all like the sexy, carefree guy he'd been before. He hadn't even seen _her_ as he passed, even though she was certainly not a stranger to him.

It had taken all of Nialyn's self control not to snarl at the self-absorbed bitch. "What do you expect?" she had wanted to shout. "He has been through more pain than you can comprehend! Of course he's not going to _notice_ you! Of course he looks 'different'!" But she hadn't said a word. She had just kept her head down and mouth shut, eyes focused on her task at hand. It wasn't up to her to defend Biri. Not anymore.

With a deep sigh, she opened the door to Lyndi's fostermother's--and paused once she saw who was there, playing with her daughter on the floor.

Lyndi held onto Birigundi's fingers and pulled herself up on her two legs.
She was not quite ready to walk just yet - the balance was still not there - but she loved the look of the world from a standing position and had taken to grabbing onto whatever she could hold and pulling herself up.

"Look at you, all tall and proud," her papa grinned proudly. "You're my beautiful girl, aren't you? Yes you are!" He laughed along with her as she giggled.

Nialyn bit her lower lip as she watched them--and suddenly felt an overwhelming desire to turn around and walk right back out. Shards, she wasn't ready for a confrontation yet. Her fingers curled tighter around the edge of the door, torn between staying and coming back later...when he wouldn't be here. She should have remembered that he tended to see Lyndi when she was at her fostermother's--Faranth knew he never came to her weyr anymore to see her. Shells, she should have remembered.

Lyndi had already seen her, though, and felt the urge for a snack. Sitting back down she reached her chubby little arms out to her mother, and whimpered slightly in the hope she'd be held. Birigundi followed her eyes to the door and saw Nia there. Just the sight of her standing there silently made something in his chest tighten. There was something painful in the way she held back from him now. That was why he visited Lyndi here and not at her weyr. The awkwardness was agonizing. Slowly he stood to his feet. "Sorry, I didn't realize you'd be off early today."

"It wasn't planned." Shards. Summoning her courage, Nialyn forced her fingers to uncurl from the door and, taking a deep breath to steady herself, came further into the room.

"Oh, well, I just got here, really," and he didn't want to leave Lyndi so soon. "What if I took her with me for a while? I could bring her back to you later." It was only fair, after all. He never got to spend real time with her. Not since Nia had kicked him out of her life.

She hesitated as she knelt beside Lyndi, eying him. A part of her, the maternal side of her, was fiercely protective of her daughter and protested, wanting to take her home straightaway. But the other part of her admonished her maternal side to remember what he had been through these past couple months and that maybe it would be a good thing for him to spend time with Lyndi. Torn, she looked down at her daughter and ran her fingers through her soft hair. "To your weyr?"

"Maybe. Or for a walk somewhere. I don't know," Biri shrugged as he sat back down on the floor. He hadn't thought that far.

Shards, if only..... But no. They couldn't spend time with Lyndi together. She was foolish to even think it. Things would never be how they were. And if she opened herself to him now, she'd only get hurt again. He wouldn't change, and she wouldn't stop wanting what he wouldn't give her. But she still cared for him, deeply, which made this all the more unbearable. "I heard about Rigella," she heard herself saying quietly, glancing up at him. "And...I wanted to say that I'm sorry."

He didn't look at her as he pulled Lyndi into his lap. "Sorry?" Deep down he knew what she meant, but he couldn't help but hope that she was actually saying she was sorry about _them_. That she was sorry she hadn't been more understanding of his situation, that she misunderstood his intentions when he didn't tell her about Rigella. He hoped she was reaching out to him, trying to say that she was sorry that this distance had grown between them these last months and that she had been avoiding him, even to the point of not bringing Lyndi to see him at the Hatching. Biri didn't want her pity, he just wanted things back the way they were. Was that really too much to hope for?

"I know she is your friend."

Birigundi couldn't help his bitter snort. His 'friend'? He knew what she really meant. If she had believed him when he had said that he and Rigella had only ever been friends, she wouldn't have broken off their relationship over her. "You know Nia, the only thing worse than pity is false pity."

Her brow creased as she lifted her head. "I'm not being false."

"You hated Rigella." And she had hated their baby too. "You're not sorry. You got what you wanted."

"What I _wanted_?" her voice rose as she stared at him in disbelief. "I would never wish what has happened on anyone! Not ever."

She was right. He knew she was right. She was just too good a person to wish that. And yet that aggravated him even more. "Well, you sure didn't want me to have her in my life, now did you. And now she's gone, and the baby's gone. That's what you wanted."

"Not this way!" Frustrated anger had crept into her voice. This was what she got for expressing her condolences. _This_ is what trying got her. "Never this way. And you _know_ that, Birigundi. Stop trying to make me out to be a heartless girl, because I'm not!"

That also was true. At yet that kind-hearted girl had managed to break his heart quite effectively. If only he could be heartless, perhaps it would hurt less. "I don't want to have this conversation in front of Lyndi." He didn't want to have it at all.

She snorted, angrily rising to her feet. "You started it." All she had done was tell him she was sorry. And she was. But she didn't have to sit here and take this from him in front of her daughter. Shells, she had been right not to defend him to those sharding girls in the dining hall. The effort would have probably blown up in her face--like this. "Lyndi and I should be leaving now."

"And so now just because you're angry you're going to deny me a chance to spend time with my daughter?" he asked icily, still holding the child on his lap though she was beginning to catch onto the tension filling the room and whimpered quietly. "You may not be heartless but you are certainly acting petty."

"Petty? _Petty_?" Furious, she glared down at him. "You accuse me of being sharding _happy_ about what has happened in your life--which is _not_ true. Then you say this is what I wanted, when you know very well that I'd never wish what happened on any living soul. If anyone's being petty, it's you. Not to mention cruel. This is why--" **I avoid you. I have to.** But she couldn't finish the thought aloud and she pressed her lips together, determined not to show how hurt she was. Better to show anger than hurt. She knew that now.

The baby was outright crying now. "Shardit, Nia, keep your voice down." He pressed his daughter to his shoulder and rubbed her back soothingly. "It's ok, baby girl. Don't cry. Everything's all right."

Her eyes were like chips of ice. "Give her to me."

Birigundi's were hard as stone. "I have a right to see my daughter, and you are early. You can wait."

Pride wouldn't let her back down, and fury made her say things she hadn't wanted to say. "You can see her tomorrow. I'm here, she needs to be fed, and I _don't_ want you coming to my weyr to bring her back."

He was not going to give up a moment of his precious time with Lyndi just because Nia decided she wanted to through a fit. "Then you go sit in a corner and just wait there. I have another half-candlemark with her."

Nialyn lifted her chin. She would not stay in the same room with him. She would not! "Then I'll come back after your half-candlemark is over,"
she snarled quietly before turning on her heel to escape through the door, eyes finally stinging with the grief of what they had lost.

Last updated on the April 9th 2008

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What They Had Lost