A Loss

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 18th August 2007

Characters: Nialyn, Birigundi
Description: Nia delivers the portrait, but there is no happy ending to their fight
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 5, day 4 of Turn 4
Notes: Follows "What She Wanted To Do"

Birigundi

Birigundi had been cleaning the tread of his favorite running shoes when
he heard the soft knock on his door. Who would be knocking at this time?
He tied their laces together and hung them on a hook to dry before opening
the door. "Nia," he whispered, surprised to find her there. His heart
froze and melted in the space of an instant. Shards, it was so good to
see her. But had she come to lay into him again? If she had, he deserved
it. He realized that now.

She fidgeted with the cloth protecting the portrait as she looked up at
him. Shards...what could she say? What could he say? Maybe it had been
a mistake to come... No. The look in his eyes told her differently. Her
lips parted slightly, as if she was going to say something, but no sound
came out. And why was she nervous? Shards, he was the one who had done
wrong...who had hurt her. She had no need to feel guilty...especially
since she had come here first--and was trying. Grasping onto that
thought, she found her strength and managed a soft, "Hi, Biri."

Shards she looked so... embarrassed. Why should she feel embarrassed? If
anyone aught to feel that way it was him. And he did. Birigundi did feel
embarrassed and completely ashamed of himself. He had acted shamefully
towards her, and not just about the greenrider. There was more that she
didn't know. More that he should have told her long ago. "I'm so sorry,
Nia," he whispered. "I was so wrong to do that to you."

She had to admit that she was a little taken aback by his apology. She
hadn't been expecting it so soon...especially since they hadn't been
speaking to one another for so long. Knowing that her surprise showed in
her face, she quickly dropped her eyes. "It....shards, Biri, it hurt."

"I know." He reached out to take her hand and gently pulled her through
the door. "But there's something I have to tell you that will hurt you
more."

Her eyes snapped up to his, confused. "What?"

He lead her towards the sofa, sitting down on the cushion and pulling her
down beside him. "Please Nia, just listen to me. Just listen, ok?"

Fear crept inside of her, and she forced her fingers to release the
now-forgotten portrait to the floor. "What?" Her tone was more demanding
now than questioning, rough with her sudden, almost painful anxiety. The
look in his eyes scared her.

Biri could feel his throat constrict even as he tried to swallow. Shards,
the look in her eye hurt. He wished he could take it all back, that he
could keep the secret that he had hidden for her for so long. But she had
to know. And now was the best time to tell her. He couldn't mend their
relationship just to rip it to shreds again. Neither one of them could
take it. Taking a deep breath he began. "I have a friend named Rigella.
She's a candidate here. Some months ago her father died. It sent her
into a depression and she almost killed herself. I was trying to be a
good friend and help her get through it all. One night she asked me to..
help her forget everything. She asked me to sleep with her and I did. A
couple times. But she didn't mean more than a friend to me. I was just
trying to help. But I got her pregnant."

While he spoke, her breathing became shallow as she realized her worst
fear was coming true. "Pregnant?" Her tone was quiet, distant, almost
disbelieving. And how she wanted to disbelieve him!

He nodded, not wanting to look her in the eye. "I didn't tell you at
first because you were pregnant at the time, and I didn't want to upset
you. I thought I could tell you after our baby was born, but then when
Lyndi came along, I thought you needed a little time to settle in before I
told you. And then... Well, I was too cowardly to tell you. Things were
going so well between us, I didn't want to hurt you, or hurt what we have.
I should have told you. I should have told you right away, and I feel so
bad now that I didn't. I just... You mean so much to me. I didn't want
to risk it."

"You're full of sharding dung!" Anger had now replaced that distant
feeling, and it burned through her, shoving her hurt and pain to the
surface....and hiding her fear. "You didn't want to _hurt_ me? That's a
sharding excuse! You hit it on the head the first time--you're a coward."
She rose to her feet, pacing away, needing to put distance between them
as her mind whirled with thoughts and images: Rigella, pregnant with his
child; Rigella, holding his hand to her stomach so he could feel the baby
kick; Rigella doing everything that _she_, Nialyn, had done with Biri when
she'd been pregnant with Lyndi: picking out baby clothes, a cradle, toys,
soft blankets.... Tears pricked her eyes. In her mind, the image of
Rigella replaced her at Biri's side. There was nothing to hold her above
the horde of women he bedded now. Nothing! "How far along is she?" she
demanded. "How many sharding months did you wait to finally tell me that
your time with me an Lyndi will be even _more_ limited than it already is?
How long?"

"It's not like that, Nia!" He followed her off the couch, afraid to touch
her but wanting so much to hold her, to reassure her, to reassure himself.
"We didn't plan this. Shards, she even tried to lose the baby /between/!
It's not the same! You and Lyndi mean everything to me!"

"No we don't! If we did, you--" Nialyn cut herself short, knowing exactly
where that argument would go if they followed it. Blinking back the tears
that threatened, she moved away from him. "How long?"

"Please, Nia," his whispered, reaching out to her, wishing she could just
give him some sign that it was going to be ok, though he knew he didn't
deserve it. "I just didn't want to hurt you. I'm so sorry. I should
have told you before. I didn't want to hurt you." **I didn't want to
lose you...**

**Liar.** "She must be pretty sharding far along since you're not
answering my question. How long til the due date, Biri? A month? A few
sevendays? Are you only telling me now because I was going to find out
sooner rather than later? That your time is sharding running out?"

Birigundi winced slightly at the icy tone in her voice. Shards, how right
she was. "Sevendays."

Her laugh was humorless. "Congratulations, then."

"Please, Nia. Please." Biri wasn't above begging. Not when his heart
was clenched in a vice of fear that she really would never forgive him for
this. "This doesn't have to change anything. It doesn't change how I
feel about you. I swear it doesn't change a thing."

"It changes everything!"

He shook his head emphatically. "Not for me, it doesn't. You're the one
I want."

"You sure got that point across really well," was the bitter, sarcastic
reply. "After treating me like you did, after not coming to me--I had to
sharding come to _you_--and after not telling me for months that you're
having a child with another girl? Oh yes, I can really see the sincerity."

"It happened _months_ ago!" Why was she being so sharding difficult?! It
wasn't like he had promised her anything! It wasn't like he had done
anything wrong! Shards, he had been trying to protect her! Why couldn't
she see that? Why couldn't she even give him the slightest bit of
understanding? "Let's not do this. I never wanted a fight."

"We can't always get what we want." Her glazed eyes pierced his. "I
learned that already."

He looked away, not able to hold the intensity of her accusing glare.
"I'm sorry, Nia. I didn't do it to hurt you."

"No, you did it because you can never say no to an offer of sex. Never.
Not even when the girl who's sharding offering is suicidal and should be
seeing a _mindhealer_ instead." It was appalling, and the very thought
made all of that anger roiling inside of her boil over again. And the
thought of
that girl claiming something of Biri that should have been hers,
_Nialyn's_, alone.... Shards, it hurt so much. The tears that she had
been keeping at bay finally slid down her cheeks as she turned away from
him and headed towards the door. Nialyn didn't know what she could do
now. All she knew was that she had to get away from him. Far away.

"Nia, I was just trying to _help_ her. Nia! Please!" Biri winced as she
slammed the door behind her. He took a deep breath as it felt like the
room was closing in on him. She was gone. **Faranth's name... I lost
her...**

Last updated on the September 2nd 2007

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A Loss