Post Stringfall

Writers: Eimi, Dana
Date Posted: 1st August 2005

Characters: Traelyn, U'kaiah
Description: U'kaiah and Traelyn talk about parenthood and all the fear that comes with it
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 7, day 15 of Turn 3
Notes: Follows "Stringfall"

U'kaiah was almost sad that they're "String Fighting" day was over as he collapsed back onto the sofa. He was happy that Trae had come, and even more happy that she had stayed. When the boy's fostermother came to collect the boy the bronzerider wished the time hadn't flown by so fast.

"How come you never told me you had a son?" she asked with a smile when she, too, had collapsed onto the couch.

The bronzerider shrugged. "It just never came up, I guess."

"He's adorable, U'kaiah." She looked up at him. "He looks a lot like you, you know."

"Really? Do you think so?" He asked surprised. "I know his hair and his eyes are mine. And that little wrinkle of his forehead is mine. But I always thought he took after his mother."

She shook her head. "He has you written all over him." Then the look in her eyes turned teasing. "And he acts like you too."

"Yes, I think that boy will be quite the charmer." He slipped an arm around her shoulders and laughed. "He sure had _you_ wrapped around his finger."

"Let's just say I have a soft spot for young ones," she grinned, curling her legs up onto the couch as she leaned against him. "And that spot is _very_ soft."

"You know I have been accused of being a young one still." One particular goldrider came to mind. "But seriously, Trae, why don't you have children of your own yet, then?"

She shrugged a shoulder and looked down. "It hasn't been the right time yet to have them." She paused. "And it doesn't feel _right_ for me to have any..."

"Stop right there." U'kaiah said as he pulled her closer. "How can you say that it is not right? There is nothing more right or more natural."

"Yet." She nestled against him, bringing her knees up so they rested lightly on his thighs. "It doesn't feel right _yet_."

"Just so long as you know that there is nothing wrong with a goldrider having a child. And there is nothing wrong with a goldrider _loving_ their child." U'kaiah surprised himself by the strength of conviction in his words. He felt a bit of a twinge deep inside that he thought was long gone. Could it be, even as a grown man, he could not forget?

Hearing the change in his tone, Trae looked up at him, her expression thoughtful. "I know, U'kaiah... I know that."

"Good." He said as he brought the top of her head closer and kissed it gently. "Because the way you acted with Kaiafel this morning, I could tell you were born to be a mother."

She chuckled at that before gently rubbing her cheek against him. "Oh, you could tell, could you?"

"Yes," he said, feeling the small ache in his heart soothed by her affectionate touch. "I am learning how to be a father, but you seem to already know how to relate to children."

She smiled. "He adores you, U'kaiah. I could tell by just looking at him that you aren't learning how to be a Papa," again, she rubbed her cheek against him, "you _are_ one."

"No Trae, I... I don't know what I'm doing." He shook his head slowly. "For the first five turns of his life I barely even saw the boy. I didn't tell you about him because... well, frankly, I'm not used to even _thinking_ about him. I don't know how to be a father. I..."

Traelyn pulled back just a little so she could look at him properly. "But you are making that effort," she told him quietly after a moment. "I don't care how long it took you to start making it, but you are, right now. That's what's important." She gave him a small smile. "And by the look on Kaiafel's face, I think you have a pretty sharding good idea of how to be a Papa."

"I can play, Trae. But I can play with any child. It's just... It's too easy. There must be something more that I should be doing. I just don't know. I never had a father. I don't know what they are supposed to do. But it's got to be something more than just playing." U'kaiah could feel the tension in his body as he finally put into words what he had been afriad of since he started spending so much time with his son, since the death of Jiyavala's child. Somewhere, deep inside, he felt very... _inadequate_.

"You're right...it is more than just playing." She thought of her own father. He hadn't just played with her, though that had been a big part of it when she was just a little girl. Gently she took hold of his other hand in both of hers and soothingly began tracing the lines on his palm to his wrist. "But I think that what you're looking for will come in time."

"I'm sorry Trae," U'kaiah said as he watched her fingers move along his hand. "We were having such a fun time this morning and I'm just ruining it. I shouldn't talk about such things."

"Oh yes you should. You can always talk to me, you know. I listen."

"I know." He whispered. For a moment he was quiet and lost in his own thoughts. How does one _learn_ to be a father with no one to compare themself to? What could U'kaiah do for his son more than what he was already doing? And one question burned, and a small smile curled at his lips as he pictured Kaiafel sitting on his chair, with his father's old riding boots on his feet and some old straps tied around him - What could he do to help raise the boy to be a man? The task suddenly felt overwhelming.

U'kaiah took his arm from around Trae's neck and moved his hand out of her grasp. He wrapped his arms around her waist and laid his head down on her shoulder. "I just didn't know I would _care_ about the boy so much."

She nodded, wrapping one arm around him while her other hand reached up into his hair, her fingers gently threading through the dark strands. "It's good that you _do_ care."

Somewhere in the back of the bronzerider's mind he chided himself the unmanly display of neediness. But his heart also told him that he did need _something_. He felt his eyes close as her fingers moved through his hair and his arms wrapped tightly around her. His mind traveled to another goldrider. A goldrider whose face he did not know, but he imagined she looked something like him. He wondered if she would have felt so soft and comforting.

Trae continued to stroke his hair, sensing that he needed comfort. And she was glad she could give him what he needed. Lightly she rubbed her cheek slowly against the top of his head, silently wondering at him.

The simple movement drove the thoughts of that goldrider from U'kaiah's head and his eyes slowly opened. His faceless mother was not there. Trae was there. It seemed she was always there.

Slowly, his arms still looped around her, he pulled his head off her shoulder to look at the goldrider in his arms. He looked at her dark eyes, her blonde hair... A picture began to form in his mind of a little girl with his curly black hair, her dark eyes, and a sprinkling of freckles around her beautiful little nose. It was such a pretty picture, and a tender smile lit his face and eyes as he looked into Trae's eyes. Yes, he decided, they would be Trae's eyes.

She gazed up at him, her hands moving down to his arms and she smiled gently back. "You're okay?" Her voice was very soft.

He nodded. Yes, he was okay. Somehow, Trae always made everything okay. "I think you will make an excellent mother someday, love."

"I hope you're right," Traelyn smiled.

"You should know by now that I am always right." He gave her another affectionate squeeze and kissed her forehead. What would he ever do without Trae?

"Not _always_," she told him with a teasing grin.

Last updated on the September 8th 2005

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Post Stringfall