I'm Sorry

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 12th October 2006

Characters: Traelyn, U'kaiah
Description: Traelyn goes to Dragonsfall Weyr, and apologizes to U'kaiah
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 13, day 23 of Turn 3

After staying the night in B'ram's arms, going back to her own weyr the next morning and plunking herself down in her chair, vowing not to move even an inch until she came to some sort of conclusion about how she could handle herself and this situation, Traelyn had finally planned it all out.
She'd figured out exactly what she was going to say to U'kaiah once she saw him. She'd thought about how to phrase her words, the right tones to use, the right expressions. The _last_ thing she needed was to go to Dragonsfall not knowing what the scorched shell to say, and screwing it all up even more.

But as they looked at each other now from across his weyr, she couldn't remember a single, carefully-planned word, tone or look. Not a one. Her heart fluttered frantically in her chest as their eyes met, and she desperately searched for something to fill the void of silence. Anything.

But still nothing came.

His eyes were guarded, expression hurt--and that alone hurt her, even though Traelyn knew she certainly deserved it, and more. The thought made her wince inwardly, and she resisted the urge to cross her arms protectively over her chest. But before she could bring herself to drop his gaze, she noticed that there was a flicker of hope there too--not rejection.

**Just think how things could have been different... if you just could have told _him_ you were sorry...** B'ram was right.

"U'kaiah..." Shoving her lingering pride and that sharding inkling of fear away, Traelyn took a step forward. "Shards, I'm so sorry."

The bronzerider nodded as he folded his arms across his chest, his eyes falling to look down at the floor, his forehead creased in thought. She had come. He knew she would. And if she hadn't... he would have gone to her anyway. Shards, he'd been miserable the last month knowing there was _this_ wherry dung between them. It was the same old argument, just a different woman. And he was so sick of it. He was so sick of having to defend himself. "You know, those things you said about me?" he said quietly, still not looking up at her. "It's not true. I'm not like that."

"I know..."

"I don't bed any woman who comes my way, Trae. There are a lot of men in this Weyr who would sink to pretty low tricks to bed a girl, and I have never, _never_ done that. I have never taken advantage of a woman, or screwed her just because I had no one better. I may have had my share of women, but I am not shallow."

"I know you're not," she murmured, coming closer. "I know." Shards...

"I mean, yeah, I have a reputation," he continued. "But so sharding what?
I may have earned my reputation, but I never did anything wrong. Why shouldn't I sleep with women? No one owns me, and I shouldn't have to explain myself to _anyone_, not even you! I _did_nothing_wrong_."

"I _know_, U'kaiah." Her hands went around his, needing to touch him--needing to reassure him that she _did_ understand. "You don't have to explain yourself to me. I know... And I'm not here for any explanation." She waited until he looked down into her eyes, then murmured quietly, "I'm not Jaela."

The comment blindsided him. "I know. Jaela's... She's gone. She's...
But you wouldn't have said that if you didn't believe it, Trae. You _know_ me."

"I don't believe you're like that. I don't, because you're right--I _do_
know you." Traelyn dropped her gaze. Shards, this was hard. "I'm sorry I hurt you. When I think back to what I said..." She shook her head. Her words had been terrible.

"Then why?"

She hesitated, glancing up at him.

His hurt shown in his eyes as he reached out to cradle her face in his hands. "You were the one I always could trust to understand me. Just tell me, what did I do?"

"It wasn't you, U'kaiah. It was me." She swallowed. "I'm a foolish woman. Foolish and hot-headed...a dangerous combination." She lightly touched his wrist. "I wanted to see you...but I shouldn't have said those things."

"No. You shouldn't have." He sighed as he let go of her and walked over to his sofa and flopped back on it. "Shards, Trae. I _know_ Jaela is gone, but... Why do I worry so much that I am being some kind of disappointment to her?"

"Sometimes the memory of someone important to you can be just as powerful as if they're standing right in front of you," Traelyn replied quietly, coming over to ease back onto the cushion beside him. "The memory can be so strong and so vivid...it's like they're actually there, watching and listening."

"And disapproving of everything you do. Shards," he breathed as he leaned his head back against the cushions. "I don't know why I let her bother me so."

"You cared about her," she murmured, looking over at him. "You wanted her good opinion because you cared."

"I just... Shards, I wish she just could have seen me the way you always did, you know? You always treated me like I was more than my reputation.
It took her so long to see past it..." All that wasted time...

Traelyn didn't know what she could say to that. Shards, any words wouldn't seem right. Instead she gently reached out, tentatively seeking his hand. **Forgive her, U'kaiah. And forgive yourself...**

His fingers linked with hers as he let out a long sigh. U'kaiah wished he could just sink into the cushions and hide away. He was so tired of it all. "I can't keep living like this, Trae. I have to forget her. But I don't _want_ to forget her. Shells, I am just... so messed up."

She shook her head, moving closer. What advice could she give him when she was suffering through the same thing? Closing her eyes, she curled an arm around his body, tucking her knees into his lap. Maybe words couldn't help her--or him--but a touch... A touch could soothe what words couldn't. Words were harsh sometimes, and they brought about more questions that demanded more, nearly-impossible answers. But through a simple touch, things could be understood, thoughts abandoned for something concrete...something far sweeter. She rubbed her cheek against his shoulder.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, resting his head against hers and just melting into the comfort she offered. Shards he had missed her these last few sevendays. She could make him feel... safe. They sat in silence several minutes before he broke it. "You know, I think Jaela was jealous of you. Of _us_."

Traelyn looked down at their entwined fingers, surprised. "Jealous?" she asked quietly. It was hard for her mind to grasp the idea that the Weyrwoman who had held a sort of contempt for her then-Second could be jealous of anything that Traelyn had...or shared in.

U'kaiah nodded, stroking her fingers with his. "I think so. She always called you my 'bosom buddy'. And then after your Flight at Dolphin Cove I returned to her, and she asked why you would care about me so much that you would forget your dragon and follow me there. She asked if I was sure of which goldrider I really wanted. I think she might have wondered if I wasn't a little in love with you, and you with me."

Traelyn went still for several heartbeats, watching as his fingers caressed hers...watching as her thumb moved down his hand, tracing the lines of his palm. "Do you think she's right?"

Her question caught him off guard. "Do I think..." He leaned back just a little to look down at her. "I told her I knew which goldrider I wanted. It wasn't a lie." The bronzerider knew that wasn't exactly an answer, but shards... What was he supposed to say to that?

Closing her eyes, she nodded, fingers drifting from his to rest comfortably on his arm.

"I can see why she'd think that, though, you know," he said quietly, watching her fingers tighten around his forearm. "She and I could never have been this affectionate so easily. She was always so guarded, so afraid to let people in too close. You were never like that. With you it's always been... natural."

And almost since the very beginning, Traelyn remembered. Even when they'd just been acquaintances, there had been an easy affection between them.
"I'm not as...reserved as most goldriders."

He leaned back against her. "You're not as reserved as most women I've known, Trae. It's just so easy to... to care about you, I guess."

She smiled a little. "Despite my screw-ups?"

U'kaiah turned to kiss her forehead softly. "Yes, love. Despite your screw-ups."

"I'm sorry," she whispered again, rubbing her cheek against him, skin against skin. The more she said it, the lighter the weight on her shoulders seemed to become. Shards...it took up so much energy to be frustrated. To be angry and hurt. To keep the words "I'm sorry" in for so long... And she wondered when the last time had been when she'd apologized to someone--anyone--important to her...and had meant it.

Last updated on the October 16th 2006

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