Won't Be Caged

Writers: Avery
Date Posted: 4th February 2015

Characters: Talwynn
Description: Talwynn wrestles with her feelings about D'kere and relationships.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 10, day 22 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: D'kere
Notes: late because of LIA

Talwynn sat on the chair in her weyr, looking up and the ceiling and
fiddling with the worn piece of riding strap she held in her hands.
She really should have gone to the evening meal a candlemark ago,
because now there would be nothing but scraps. But she hadn't wanted
to go out and see others, to risk having to interact with anyone. Not
while she was feeling so out of sorts.

This kind of asocial retreat had been more common since her last
flight, and had turned into nearly entire hermitness over the last two
days. Riveth was distressed by her rider's lack of social interaction.
She liked Kenirath and she remembered from half-flashes of her rider's
memory that seeing the bronzerider usually helped her rider.

}:You were supposed to see Kenirath's yesterday,:{ Riveth reminded.
}:Are you going to see him today?:{

**I know,** the greenrider thought back. But she made no move to get
up or do anything. **But I'm not going to go.**

Riveth whuffed and shuffled on her ledge, turning so her tail faced
outward and so that she could awkwardly poke her nose into the room.
}:Why don't you want to see him?:{

Talwynn briefly considered throwing the strap at her green - couldn't
her lifemate tell she didn't want to talk about this subject? But even
as she thought that, she felt a pulse of love and reassurance go down
their bond, and couldn't hold her anger for long. Her lifemate was
concerned for her, not trying to make her feel worse.

She settled for scratching her nails down the leather as she tried to
figure out how to explain her feelings to her dragon. **It's
complicated.**

}:Why? You like being around him.:{

**Yes, and that - scares me. It makes me feel bad.** She shifted
focus, bit the side of the fingernails on her right hand to get rid of
a piece of sticking-up skin, drawing blood as she did so. **Yes,** she
thought back.

}:Nice things are nice. Things that make you feel not-nice are bad.:
How can a nice thing be a bad thing?:{ The green's query interrupted
her train of thought.

**I told you it was complicated. Rider feelings are more difficult
than dragon feelings. Just because I like being around him doesn't
mean I should like it. Sometimes dangerous things feel good,** Talwynn
tried to explain.

She didn't know how to put the curling sense of fear and reluctance
into words that her lifemate could understand. Maybe it was just too
complicated to explain to a dragon. They had simple feelings, even if
powerful ones. People didn't. They got all mixed up about things.

Like how she was mixed up about D'kere. She liked being around him for
several reasons.

The biggest reason she'd first begun to spend so much time with him
was that he treated her like any other greenrider, more or less. Oh,
he helped make accommodations for her disability - gave her massages,
helped her with her cane - but he didn't treat her like a fragile,
breakable doll, providing over-solicitous offers of aid as if she was
a complete invalid. Or like a hideous monster, which granted wasn't
something that the other dragonriders did, because shards knew there
were people more marred than just hands and legs. The holdbred
candidates and visiting traders would often be visibly appalled, and
that didn't help her self-confidence. But D'kere had never acted like
she was fragile or grotesque.

And he'd certainly been a good partner. An attentive lover, always up
for going on a trip somewhere. She thought she could share a sense of
adventure with him, that they could be active together, not have her
bound down to the weyr by inabilities.

}:Nothing about that sounds bad,:{ her green interjected.

Maybe that was the problem. It was so good being with him that it had
to be wrong. There was clearly some kind of catch she was missing.

It wasn't like she'd seen many good relationships. She'd seen many
that fell apart. Sometimes people poisoned the relationship by being
bitter about their unhappiness but not breaking up, like her own
family. Other times one person would care more than the other, become
smotheringly needy and demand so much time and attention. Or one would
be distant and cold, getting away with whatever they could outside of
the relationship while paying just enough lip service to maintain it.
And yet others would fake it for flights, as she'd seen happen to her
own clutchmate.

Because of the negative examples she'd seen growing up, Talwynn had
always imaged that relationships were chains that bound one up. They
took away freedom and choice, making you have to constrain your
actions to coddle the inadequacies of your partner. So she'd frozen up
when it seemed like D'kere was going to do that in the recent drama
over the flight. Hadn't that been possessiveness and trying to make
her change her ways?

She'd stomped out of that thinking he was being possessive, worried he
was trying to leash her up and be a trophy greenrider, there when he
wanted her and complacent the rest of the time. (Not that she would
make a good trophy - too ugly and bratty, she thought with a flash of
dark humor.)

She'd felt smothered by the unexpected reveal that he'd been
considering them serious, when she'd been trying so hard to keep
things not serious. Good when they're there, but not a choking demand
on time. He was a busy man as Weyrlingmaster's Second, she'd thought
that he would have been fine keeping everything on the level of just
good fun. Realizing that that wasn't true had terrified her.

Of _course_ she was scared of liking D'kere. She was afraid he was
going to take away everything she'd built back up since her accident.
Her independence had been hard won. After the accident took it away,
she'd had to re-learn so many things, needed so much assistance for
basics. Being able to live in her own weyr, get her own meals, take
care of her own dragon, and go on trips without supervision...she
cherished it all the more for having lost it before. And if she
thought relationships were a threat, no wonder she'd quailed from him.
She hated being vulnerable, and she'd always seen relationships as
making you vulnerable to another person. Her independence was too
important, and nothing would take that away from her again.

}:He can't take it away from you,:{ her lifemate reminded her.

Riveth was right. D'kere had always seemed fine with her as an
independent person. He'd kept her secret about extra practicing, even
when he probably should have reported it. He had given her extra help
during the blackout when she'd genuinely needed it, and she hadn't
felt smothered at the time. He hadn't ever acted like she repulsed
him. And he'd been pretty respectful about letting her do things for
herself the rest of the time.

That was the opposite of harming.

}:Sometimes it's easier to fly alongside another dragon. The air from
their wings helps yours,:{ the green said. }:Maybe you should let
yourself fly beside him for awhile.:{

Maybe Riveth was right. She could give it a try. Maybe being in a
relationship would be a benefit, not a trap. She could leave if it
turned out to be a problem. But it wasn't fair to him to run away
because she was scared, without at least giving it a try. Talwynn
might be afraid of being vulnerable, might jealously guard her
independence - but she wasn't a coward, and she wouldn't let fear keep
her from trying something new.

**Tell Kenirath I'll see his rider tomorrow,** she decided, and felt
Riveth's spirits lift.

Last updated on the February 10th 2015

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Won't Be Caged